My Garden

I wish

2010-09-17T19:48:00.002-06:00

Its been awhile
I can still hear your voice
I can still see your smile
I can still see your eyes
I wish you were here
I wish there was a way to see you
I wish there was a way to reach you
I wish
Now to let go
Now to let is rest
Now to relax
Now...

Forgotten words

2010-01-19T20:48:00.002-06:00

I was checking through my e-mail and got some comments from this old blog I used to keep. It has been so long since I wrote anything on here. I am thinking I should use it as a way to push me to do some creative writing again. I had set that aside for awhile...and I know I need that part of me in order to offset the stress...so here is to new beginnings again...lol...not that anyone reads this anymore...but ya know...it will give me an excuse to write...

Operation

2008-10-22T20:16:00.002-06:00

I had an operation this summer, and found out that my condition affects my ability to have children. It would seem that my son is a miracle. I have been told that they have corrected the problem. I saw many doctors and had many tests and finally gave up before. The common reaction was "take birth-control," from some specialists...that will fix things. I did not want the complications of taking medication that I felt would be useless. In the end, I had the operation and found out that the only thing that could have helped me was the operation.

It convinced me more and more that medication or chemicals get prescribed, and that there are probably many people who live with things that are never treated. I mean treatment that will really heal them, mis-diagnosed, and even medicine that is entirely unnecessary. The only thing that I could do was do what I was doing until they were willing to operate (4 years later). It was a long road, but I am glad its over now.

non typical

2008-10-04T19:29:00.002-06:00

A non typical moment...

I was at a friends for a Birthday party...our children are playmates.
I helped with the occasion, and when all was said and done and there was myself her and another mom left I only lasted 20 minutes with the female chatter. I was tired...not sure why that I can't seem to keep up with it...anyway her husband was watching Iron Man and the kids were in the living room. I moved in there to join them and we ended up talking politics...lol...and then I relaxed...I must be odd...her friend got ready to go home and we were all together then...and I still ended up talking more politics...and now that I look back she ended up reading the flyers while we did...I tried to steer the convo back to something more inclusive...but at the end of the day it is so hard for me to do women's chatter...funny...at least I thought...good thing somehow we are still friends...I guess you like me or you don't...maybe children are a universal glue...lol

Silence

2008-09-22T23:03:00.001-06:00

Sometimes its the silence that is the loudest answer...
I missed it once, perhaps this time I need to take it as part of the decision to come...
I am uncertain...

Celebrity Collage by MyHeritage

2008-08-29T10:50:00.001-06:00

http://www.myheritage.com/collage

MyHeritage: Celebrity Collage - Familytree - Ancestors

A Different World

2008-07-03T20:30:00.001-06:00

Its different, this generation seems to need something different than the one I grew up around. My families friends we might not see for ages, or seemingly lose touch, or just not talk on the phone unless it was to say Merry Christmas if even that. It was ok, and that is how I understood it, and you just took the time to catch up when you could, or when you were driving through have coffee, or if you were having a road trip then you tried to stop through for the night in order to spend some quality time looking at pictures and playing the remember when stories through and through. It was like an adventure and it was great...but somehow this generation is different, and they seem to want something different, and you owe someone something or losing touch was a crime. We need to enjoy the art of visiting again. I don't mind if you move away and then we catch up in small ways, it is like a new treasure chest of stories that gets to be opened up and that is wonderful to me.

Choices

2008-05-15T20:16:00.001-06:00

Its been awhile since I saw your smile

Its been awhile since I heard you laugh

Its been awhile since I had more than a moment to listen to you

Its been awhile, and there is nothing better than listening,

laughing, enjoying

There is no "what ifs" there is no "I wonder" there is no

"should have"

There is I am glad that I was there, there is I know life

happens, there is sometimes that is just the way it is

The truth is, the only way for regret is if I choose not to live,

love, laugh and play

I choose to remember, I choose to keep the things that

felt so good a part of me, and I choose to care

Choices are not easy at times, but the only way to move

forward is to know where you have been and to know that

there is a path forward and to walk there

Its like the sunrise and sunset, at first you wait for

something to happen and enjoy the beauty as it fills the day

with strength and light

In the end you know that even when something ends there

is something beautiful there too

As something ends if we can find the sunset's beauty in it,

then it may be easier to find the next sunrise and the

strength in the light of another day

Choices, they are what changes the tide in our lives, but

How many of us realize the strength of them?

April 17-2008, Just A Memory

2008-04-21T12:22:00.001-06:00

I saw the shadows in your eyes and thought about where they lead
I heard the gentleness in your voice and knew that there was more to you than the whispers I heard in my heart
I read the letters in your heart, and remember who you are
It was the color that life has cloaked you with that seems so vibrant to me
It is the shades that have helped carve into you that keep my dreams full of memories
At the brink of the dawn is where the songs seem to cradle my heart with yours
Its at the end of the sunset that the feeling that envelopes me is quiet words
Forgetting is not something so easy to do
How can one forget, How can one put away, moments that keep us connected and remind us we are only human

Knowing my place in the world

2008-03-17T13:08:00.002-06:00

Lately, I have had the opportunity to think about how I fit, in the grand scheme of things once again.
The first thing that I realize is that I do know where I fit and know my place in the world
I do understand, what I do, and that I am here for a reason
I don't know where all the i's will be dotted or the t's will be crossed, but the one thing that I know is how I fit

I am often called a leader, but that is not what I do, I am the supporting structure if I can use that analogy

I look at things from a broad perspective and I help make the ends meet
My role is to help, and that is what I do best
I do many things that may look like I direct, but at the end of the day it is more of a place to help aid and guide making the ends meet

My place is behind the scenes, and my place is a place of support
I know this is where my greatest strength is and where I am able to do the most good

The hands to help, even though my hands are too small to do it all, they are just big enough to enlarge someone else's territory...as someone once put it

I don't mind what I do, and I really love to see others succeed

I know that along the way that gets muddied, but when the smoke clears as it were, the success that I see is the success that comes when all hands are working together for the good that is needed.

My hands are too small, and my back cannot carry the world, but in some small part, my place in this world is a joint, or a brace, or a support beam that is who I am...
I am "A Quiet Thunder"...which is funny, because my supervisor told me last week that I have alot of "Thunder", and I said that I don't have much, but he insisted I had alot...I whispered to his wife that my native name is "A Quiet Thunder," that made her laugh, and somehow your name is recognized even though it is never declared...

Yet, I know my place in this world, and it is as "A Quiet Thunder," because the quiet things that I do have affect that is heard by many...not as a leader, but ultimately as one who supports those who do lead...

True Dat

2008-02-19T13:23:00.002-06:00

Such a common thing to hear...at least...as a comment made to me..."there was just never anyone like you." Its a compliment when it is said...but sometimes it is said in such an exact way that I wonder if the last one told the new one...lol...just jokes...but its so familiar...I guess I just don't see myself as that unique...cause aren't we all

Digital Camera

2008-02-13T13:48:00.003-06:00

So, I have been waiting to buy a digital camera...because the quality of the pictures could not compare to the one that I have right now.

I broke down and bought my first one day, it is just a starter camera, and really it will help save a bit of money because David loves to take pictures, but sometimes I don't want a picture of his favorite cartoon that is playing on Treehouse...lol

So, ya know...just so I can keep encouraging his little creativity and save a bit on these pictures...I broke down and got my first one...yeah...anyway...not that exciting...but fun for me and my lil man...

Alcohol, Addictions and Etc...More than just challenges...need for action

2008-01-31T18:12:00.000-06:00

Date Story Submitted: Thursday, January 31, 2008

Freezing death of two girls shines light on Sask. reserve in disarray

REGINA - The freezing deaths of two young girls has shone a harsh light on a "bankrupt" Saskatchewan reserve with a litany of social problems and a leadership at war with itself.

"I think we are going to need some help," Chief Robert Whitehead of the Yellow Quill First Nation said in a telephone interview Thursday. "The situation we are in, it's a sad situation."

As police continued to investigate the deaths of three-year-old Kaydance Pauchay and her one-year-old sister Santana in a snowy field early Tuesday morning, politicians, the community and its leaders were looking at the problems behind the tragedy.

The need for action was a common thread - what to do was more elusive.

Problems such as alcohol abuse, suicide, lack of housing and mould plague the community.

The band also has money troubles. In 1999 runaway deficits forced the federal government put the reserve under third-party management to maintain services for its residents. It's remained there since.

"Basically we are a bankrupt community," Whitehead said.

Adding to the issues is an internal power struggle between the chief and band councillors that both sides say is "toxic."

Whitehead said he was confronted Thursday by council members who are angry that the chief has been so publicly vocal about the reserve's problem in the wake of the girls' deaths.

"When you have an opposition in council, what they go around doing is, while I'm out there working trying to do this and trying to do that, trying to set something up for the people, my opposition has all the time in the world to be going around spreading gossip on the reserve," Whitehead said. "What do they have to hide?"

But band councillor Donna Poorman blames the chief for the problems, saying the situation has reach a point where the council isn't even meeting regularly anymore.

"He's just basically trying to run the reserve on his own forgetting about the rest of us leaders," Poorman said. "It's just not working."

Poorman said many of the problems on the reserve relate to drugs and alcohol and a cycle of abuse that stems from residential schools.

Faced with increasing suicide rates, the band recently tried to move ahead with a bylaw banning alcohol on the reserve, but the proper paperwork was never filed with the federal government.

Alcohol is said to be at the centre of this week's tragedy.

Police say they believe the girls' father, Christopher Pauchay, 25, left his home with the children in the wee hours of Tuesday morning when wind chills were in the -50C range.

He managed to make it to a neighbour's house suffering from frostbite and hypothermia. The two girls were found in the field wearing only T-shirts and diapers. Family members say Pauchay was drinking that night.

Whitehead said Thursday that he would still like to move ahead with the alcohol ban.

But federal Indian Affairs Minister Chuck Strahl expressed doubt that such a ban would solve all the problems.

"It's very complex. Sometimes these communities have a multitude of issues they're dealing with. So just passing a bylaw doesn't make the world all right," Strahl said.

"It's

On The Wagon

2008-01-28T23:14:00.001-06:00

"On The Wagon," I was at work with all of my co-workers after a big meeting we had, I left before things got worse (most were getting pretty drunk). I noticed that a few took note of that when I left. I didn't think anything of it at the time. Today though, someone asked "How long have you been on the wagon?" of one of the ones who had been there that night, and then added that the other person I had noticed watch me that night also had been on the wagon since that night also. Sometimes I think drinking is more about peer pressure, than about wanting to drink. I feel good knowing that a small thing can help someone else have a little courage to do something too. It 's nice, and am glad that my decision to never drink can be a help instead of just something to get annoyed or upset about.

Some other things have happened too, some co-workers said that they have started to read Christian books and they had never done that before, and I can't and won't take credit for all of that, but I do know it is the same as the drinking, sometimes courage increases when you know you have support (others around who believe too).

It was nice to know...at a time when I feel so tired...been a busy time again...and some hard transitions for my son...still far from being over, and its not easy...a little light...but even a little light counts...

"Comfort, Memory Food!"

2008-01-06T15:45:00.000-06:00

"Comfort, Memory Food" I think I have a new phrase "Comfort, Memory Food"...lol...this Christmas it has been over a year since my mom and my Kokum have passed away, and in the moments during this season my emotions were triggered by missing them, and the way that I chose to act out that missing them was wanting the food that they used to make for us on special occasions...my mom used to make tapioca when we were little and my Kokum used to make rice pudding...I know it may sound corny, but we all have our comfort food, but for a moment I indulged in the "Comfort, Memory Food," that they used to prepare for us...it makes for a nice warm memory and moment, if you allow it to...I know for some they indulge because they are hurting, but for me, it was just to remember the tender loving care that they used to take to make something that they used to take the time to make for us...

Anyway, Happy Holidays to everyone, and for the moments that you build with your children, remember that they really do count, and they come back for them in the future in ways that may feel very special.

"Comfort, Memory Food!"....mmm...lol...Yeah...I think I like that...

Time Has Wings...

2008-01-03T22:33:00.000-06:00

Time is something that suddenly has wings the speed your life up with intensity
It is like a breath that suddenly goes by you, because you may feel it but you do not always see it pass by

I blinked and the weeks sped by and the moments pass too quickly

I look at my son and in the fall he will start Kindergarten...time has gone by too fast...my little boy is growing up sooooo, quickly...

I need a way to make time stand still, perhaps I will get an idea or two....lol

Be Right There...!

2007-12-02T22:13:00.000-06:00

I woke up this morning watching the sunrise and waiting for the day once again
The movements of the day were like waves of the sea, and sometimes they crashed over the memories and moments that have always been
I laid down tonight watching the sunset wondering how long it will be until the waves of your life and mine will mark the same land again The days have come and gone and my mind moves on, but every once in a while I remember, and wonder where you have been

Friends are like waves of the sea that mark the shore of your life and when the sea rolls out of reach and the shore changes the land of your life changes
I will be right here always, I will continue right here always, I will be your friend always, and I will remember always
The treasure of the sea, the treasure of life, the treasure of tomorrow are friends who make there mark in your life, for a lifetime
A lifetime of knowing, a lifetime of acknowledging, a lifetime of being a part of someone other than ourselves
Its the small things that we do that mark the shores of others lives, its the simple things we do that writes on their hearts, and its the gentle moments that carry us through to another tomorrow.
So, until the daybreak comes, until the sunset and the sunrise brings that day when the waves of our lives mark the same shore again...I will be right here...and remain your friend.

Safety

2007-11-07T10:52:00.001-06:00

Its a funny thing...when the world gets hooked on something...(ie. a chat site, or etc.)...the tool becomes the one in control I think...there is a site that I sent a notice to people I know that has been verified as un secure and has had identity theft happen there...too high an incidence...I actually used the site, and felt uncomfortable myself...personal privacy...seemed non-existent...so I de-activated the account...and then found out how un secure it really was...but I found that some love the site, and insist that it is ok...but I guess that is what I have come to realize...that when the tool is in control it is hard to let go...I like my privacy though...so I will stick to what I feel good about.

Capable

2007-11-03T16:59:00.000-06:00

What makes a person fully capable? Is it experience, past success, the confidence that comes with knowing that you will not be challenged while trying to make something work? Someone said they did not feel capable to me, and I suppose my experience has been that none of these are requirements...if you fail, and learn from the mistake, you are still capable...if you desire to make something work, but still do not do it perfectly...it does not mean you are not capable...the lack of doing is what makes someone without capacity...at times and at most people learn by doing...the reality is, that sometimes no matter how many times you do something you may never be the expert, but at least you know there is a good way to go about it...anyway...I don't feel very capable today, but I know I am willing, and for that I know I have ability and capacity to move forward...

Pictures

2007-10-22T10:34:00.000-06:00

Well, I let my son take pictures, and he is pretty good for a four year old...LOL...anyway the pic of me here is one of his...he is doing good learning what the settings on a simple camera do...he loves it...especially when I develop his little adventure and he takes a look...maybe he will catch the photo bug too...what a little man

Awesome....!!!!

2007-10-17T10:40:00.000-06:00

Well, I got a confirmation today that I have my tickets for convocation, things are definitely moving very quickly. I am gonna blink and the day will be here. I guess now I can take time to enjoy the moment...Wow!

Tickets for Convocation

2007-10-15T13:41:00.000-06:00

Well, I finally found the way to request tickets on-line, and it seemed to accept my request...Glitch...I was sent an e-mail that said the deadline to request tickets was October 12, 2007...it seemed funny to me because the Administrative Office said that they would not even be mailing out the official letters to confirm convocation until this same date... anyway all in all I did what I could and we will see what happens...Oh Well....

Convocation

2007-10-13T14:43:00.000-06:00

Convocation is October 27 and I am uncertain of how much of it I will be able to be part of ...I am in the middle of a busy time...not sure how this will work... guess I better see how this works.

Watching Foreign Movies

2007-10-06T14:58:00.000-06:00

I have to say that foreign movies are my favorite...they always have a strange mix of reality, fantasy, humor and sadness...there are times when I think I need all of these things...it just seems comforting at times...I feel closer to this place also, it seems so strange to be caught up in the world around me...it helps me to slow down...I am uncertain why, but to each their own...eh?

Found a Home

2007-10-02T10:17:00.000-06:00

Wow! I have found a home and what a relief, now just the logistics of transitioning and moving. I will be moved for certain by November 20, 2007, but maybe sooner.

Well, it just feels good!

Finding a Home

2007-09-29T15:23:00.000-06:00

So, now the renovating is done...and what I had hoped to take a little over a week took almost 3 weeks. I have to admit although I spent every moment possible on this reno it just could not have gotten done any faster unless someone was hired to do it and work on it all day long for a good length of time.

All in all is was a good learning experience, and now I am going to have to find a place to live too. I had a place lined up, but found out the neighbors were not very good for children...so of course I didn't bother with that. I am back at square one with that...I made some financial adjustments hoping to get into affordable housing, but that fell apart too...now I need the money I let go of, but...there is nothing I can do to change that either...

So, in the long haul, I am getting used to some financial constraints, and need to find a place to live...I can't wait to find a place and relieve this weight I feel inside...

Here we go again, just more transitions...oh well...

Renovating

2007-09-06T13:48:00.000-06:00

My friend and I are painting the condo I am living in, as it is going to be sold. I never thought that the things that we are doing to renovate were going to be so simple, but the salesperson at the paint store was so helpful that things seemed like it was going to be manageable. I actually have to give most of the credit to my friend who has been such a big help and I don't think I would have been able to get through this week without him.

A big shout out to my friend, "Perhaps," he is the best friend ever! Ha Ha Ha...Anyway, keeping busy and hoping to find a place to live soon too.

Applying to Graduate

2007-08-30T20:10:00.000-06:00

So, here I am I have this in the back of my head to apply for my grad since I found out about passing my last class. It has been so busy and today was the first day that I have had a moment to do anything for my self, and just my luck the deadline to apply to graduate is tomorrow, WOW!...so needless to say I made a good effort to get it in today, under the wire...Woo Hoo!

Anyway, What luck Eh!

Relief in Spades

2007-08-20T22:26:00.000-06:00

So, I wrote my last final for my degree, and I just found out "I pass"...my official grade will come later, but for now the relief I feel can be tied up in one phrase "relief in spades."

I feel so set free emotionally, and so set free physically, and so set free with regards to my time and life in general. I had such plans and have such plans for the time I can now invest with everything even more for my son, and the time I can now invest in me...I can finally work on me, and healing me, and my world as it were.

This summer and all of its challenges and all of its frustration has come to a close and this part of my life is at its sunset, and I am not sad, but I am ecstatic to be able to move on and have this done. I have projects that have been put on hold and things to do for my son that I can now pour my energy into, and not to forget I can spend some time just investing in healing my own physical body more, and restoring my soul.

Sounds like a mouthful, or future full, but at this point, I see a new morning, a new horizon, and a new and better day, and right now that I have had at least 4 nights of good rest between me and the end of this long hard road I have taken a good breath, and feel like I can take the moment it actually takes to take that breath in slowly and really enjoy taking a good breath of air in and enjoy how my lungs feel...what a difference!

I can't captivate how I feel in words, but it is so good...and maybe that is how I should just state it simply...it is just so good.

Good Words for a Tired Soul...

2007-08-18T20:45:00.000-06:00

A Church goer wrote a letter to the editor of a newspaper and complained that it made no sense to go to church every Sunday. "I've gone for 30 years now," he wrote, "and in that time I have heard something like 3,000 sermons. But for the
life of me, I can't remember a single one of them. So, I think I'm wasting my time and the pastors are wasting theirs by giving sermons at all."

This started a real controversy in the "Letters to the Editor" column, much to the delight of the editor. It went on for weeks until someone wrote this clincher:

"I've been married for 30 years now. In that time my wife has cooked some 32,000 meals. But, for the life of me, I cannot recall the entire menu for a single one of those meals. But I do know this. They all nourished me and gave me the strength I needed to do my work. If my wife had not given me these meals, I would be physically dead today. Likewise, if I had not gone to church for nourishment, I would be spiritually dead today!"

When you are DOWN to nothing.... God is UP to something!

Faith sees the invisible, believes the incredible and receives the impossible!

Thank God for our physical AND our spiritual nourishment!"

All right, now that you're done reading, send it on!

I think everyone should read this! "When Satan is knocking at your door, simply say, "Jesus, could you get that for me?"

Protocol for Children's Birthdays

2007-07-30T11:19:00.000-06:00

So, I was calling a few of the parents of my son's friends. Along the way I talked to a friend during this and they mentioned that "you will probably only invite the 4 year olds anyway right?"

I had not thought of that, since my son gets along with a wide range of children in the age group category. I actually just wrote down the names of the kids that he mentioned that he wanted there without thinking about how old they were.

Is there some unspoken protocol out there that says that you stick to your child's age group when planning a children's Birthday party? That was the question in my mind, and of course there must be somewhere, but I said to my friend that I had already invited the children that my son named and that did not mean they were 4 years old...

Actually, it doesn't matter to me and I know it does not matter to my son, so I guess we are outide of protocol on this one...I guess I just never knew and never thought there were expectations of anyone.

Doesn't matter though, I will be glad to welcome any of his friends who wish to celebrate with them even if they are not 4 years old.

Actually, he even has adults that he treasures and they are coming too, hummmmm, but I think they are not a part of the children's age protocol thing...at least I am not aware of it...

Funny thing, I think this is where my world (kinship society) and the mainstream just collide, and I choose not to follow the mainstream...

Anyway, it was interesting...

Smoovey Moves

2007-07-27T13:59:00.000-06:00

Here is my son...just a dancing away, and having a blast, and he says "Mommy, Mommy, I have smoovey moves, and continues to do his little...smoovey move." I just about lost it I laughed so hard.

I wish I had taped him, it was such a great sight too see...

I luv my bundle of joy!

God Tells Me Not To Eat

2007-07-25T20:32:00.000-06:00

So, I think it is humanity even when we are young to try to alude to the fact that God would be the one to tell us we are to do something or direct us, when in reality it is just us trying to convince ourselves or others that it is divne that we should do something.

So, here is my son today and anounces to me when I said that he needs to eat supper, "God Tells Me Not To Eat." He laughed and ran away, and I had to laugh, and then scold him and let him know that he should not tell me that in that way. It was a joke, and I had the small thought about it, and shook my head.

Little boys and their rationality, they are a treasure.
LOL

Birthday...

2007-07-23T20:59:00.000-06:00

Well, my son's Birthday is coming up quickly, and I still haven't decided on how we are going to do this. LOL...I dunno, I guess the first thing is that I am narrowing down who he wants there. I know that he wants to see his Uncle Mushom and Auntie Kokum, but for the rest of it...I am semi prepared as I have all the gifts and accessories.

I guess I will sort the final details this weekend...my bad...this summer has just flown by...

Oh Well,

Research

2007-07-12T08:57:00.000-06:00

I had to go to the University Bookstore yesterday to see if I could get a book, but alas it was not there...but I took another little adventure instead...which is my ritual when I end up there.

I went to look at the children's books, crafts, and other fun things they seem to stock. I picked up a puzzle for my son and some First Nations story books for him. It was great I get to read to my son and buy some books in order to research what is already out in the market for First Nations Children's books at the same time.

I sat down to read them all last night, and by the end I was so relaxed that I actually just wanted to go to bed. Isn't that the way a bedtime story should feel I thought to myself. A nice little story that makes you feel like you are relaxed and whole.

Anyway, food for thought...I will look around some more, and with my meanderings I will be able to read my son a few wonderful stories too...

Cree Prophecy

2007-07-10T16:41:00.000-06:00

When all the trees have been cut down,

when all the animals have been hunted,

when all the waters are polluted,

when all the air is unsafe to breathe,

only then will you discover you cannot eat money.

Cree Prophecy

Little Ones today and Little Men tomorrow

2007-07-08T09:45:00.000-06:00

I was reading my son a devotional for kids, and the simple lesson was that sometimes people do things they should not do, and we can't do anything about it, but what we can do is to choose to play with someone safer.

It was quite a simple lesson, and I liked it. As adults we choose the same thing, if someone is not good for us in our lives and they just get us in trouble we can choose to be with someone else who will make more positive impacts in our lives.

It is a small lesson now, but my 3 year old will be a 10 year old and my 10 year old will be a 14 and 16 year old when these choices become alot harder. It is easier for him to learn how making better choices now, than to suddenly only learn that for the first time when he is older. It is just like the lesson that what you put inside emotionally is what you will be emotionally.

My son doesn't know how to make those choices right now for himself about inputing things emotionally so that he will be a better little man, so that is my job as a parent to watch what is a positive for him and a negative. He reacts differently to different things because of his life experiences. It is sad that a three year old has already major experiences that impact him this deeply, but it does because of divorce. He is alright, but there are things that bother him that don't bother other kids just because of it. He will never watch Shrek because of it, and not entirely because of the cartoon itself but because of Shrek 3 really.

I had asked friends about the movie, but you know other kids don't go through the same thing as your own so you can't always know...but now I do...so I know better.

If I let him watch whatever and didn't care and never had any boundaries on what went into him I would end up with a whole load of behavioural problems. It would not just be a huge thing to deal with for me but it would also be a problem for my son, because he is not old enough to understand that what he is watching is what is causing him problems. My son would also have other issues at pre-school, which has happened from time to time, and I have done what I know how to do to help him through and make changes too. It is not anyone else's fault, but it is the environment that I allow and that environment that I have to correct after the fact at times that I have to work with, and lovingly do.

It is not a gift to our children to blame the world for their idiosyncracies, and teach them it is us against the world, because then it is a lesson that the they have a right to act poorly and to treat people poorly and that our children do not have a responsibility to be well themselves.

It is not a good lesson for success, so in my own small ways, I am glad for little stories that help me teach my son in a simple way that there are simple choices that we can make to make our lives better. To add to that it is up to me to help him make better choices and understand in small ways that if he is scared of something that he can say so, and not have to agree with anyone else just because and choose not to watch something too.

He will be a very understanding little man and a very sensitive one, and that is not bad, because he is my son and I understand that he gets some of the sensitivity from me so I have to help him manage that better too.

Life is a learning time, moment to moment to moment, and we are just the guides along the way, and the people responsible for helping to keep our little ones safe, the best we can...

Being Greatful

2007-06-29T09:53:00.000-06:00

I have a friend from work who just had her baby 6 weeks ago, and they discovered that her little girl had complications. Today, her little one has gone through a major operation, and thankfully is doing extremely well for being put through something so hard.

I have heard about so many mothers recently that have gone through such hard times with their children because of ailment. It makes you appreciate the health that your child enjoys...

Life is fragile, and it is amazing every time I think about how blessed I am that my son is well...

New to Me

2007-06-23T23:13:00.000-06:00

Well, around about May 4, 2007 my radiator blew up and my transmission cooked. I had gotten an oil change at one of those 10 minute places, and they checked my transmission fluid, and they did not put things back together properly. So, my truck would have costed $6000.00 to get fixed and I would have had to wait 3 weeks before I got it back, and I was in Calgary on a trip for work.

I was going to trade my 11 year old truck in after I was done paying for it, but to my dismay things happened. I made the decision to see if they had any used trucks that would be affordable for me to get instead. I thought if nothing else if I could not then I would rent one to get home.

I was fortunate to get a "new to me" vehicle (it is used). I have always felt that getting a used vehicle is to my advantage, because you will get it for half the price. So, that is what I did, and they refinanced what I had left on the old truck and helped me out. At the end of the day I was not dis-heartened but was glad that things worked out. My son and I were safe and things were not tragic and in the end I have a vehicle that is truly road worthy. My truck gave me some good safe years of driving, and it was unfortunate that I was not able to keep it for a couple more years. I liked that truck, but things do happen. My son misses the old truck more than I do though, he refers to it sometimes.

I had feedback from some wondering why I wasn't severely upset. I would have been truly upset if I had just bought the truck, but since it was 11 years old and seen its days and I had put so many miles on it I just felt I should let it go. If you have to put more money into the truck than its worth it is time to let go. Maybe that it a lesson for the rest of life too...LOL

Anyway, to my new sunroof, and CD Player, Tape machine and MP3 player in my truck...I don't see the need, but I guess it is standard in vehicles from this decade and someday I may even get around to using you, but for today, my son is the one who enjoys the sunroof even more than any of the adults who ride in the vehicle.

Kids and their toys...eh!

I know I have gotten a truly good deal when this truck gets to be 12 years old and I am still driving it wherever I need to be...!

Maybe I better wait to see how long my boyfriend keeps his vehicle, ...LOL

Anyway, enough analagies

Voices Passing Away

2007-06-20T22:08:00.000-06:00

We had a staff meeting today, and someone told us of two First Nation Senators who passed away. The one was very vocal about First Nations youth working hard and making their own determination to make their way in this society. He was a very strong voice to inspire the youth to help them go forward and give themselves a positive future. The other Senator was a strong pillar in her First Nation and having her voice pass away will be something that the community she is from will miss very much.

I am going to a funeral tomorrow of my adopted sister's brother who was in his 40's. He was young, and had not finished cutting his positive pathway in life. It was a life cut abruptly short.

We are not guaranteed tomorrow, so today is all we are promised. Can we take care of what we are given? Can we be trusted to use the moments we have to leave a positive legacy behind that is so strong that it is felt when we are gone?

Nutritionist and Dietician

2007-06-15T20:06:00.000-06:00

I had an appointment with a Nutritionist/Dietician, and found out that I am under-eating. It was something I don't know if I believe. Perhaps, it could be the case, but I suppose I am not the expert. I was informed that because of the way I under-eat it does not help my system.

I really don't have time to monitor the problem right now, so I am starting a program where the Nutitionist/Dietician will do that for me. Hopefully, this will help my health overall and help me to get back to my normal self again. I haven't been that for a few years now, and it is a priority for me to get back to who I am again.

It probably sounds trivial to some, but it is frustrating to me right now. I am hoping that it will also aleviate some stress that I feel because I will finally have positive help. I realize now that in order to succeed I need positive support that is genuinely there for my benefit, and without emotional punishment if I am having difficulty.

I know that I don't have to do it for anyone else but me...but right now I need to do this so that I am happy to be me again...

I don't really dwell on these things very much, because I am so driven and focussed on my son, work, and school right now. Yet, when school is done I want to be able to know that I have gotten somewhere with my health as well.

Disposable Society

2007-06-12T13:09:00.001-06:00

I caught a bit of a show that my dad was watching today when I went home to get my son his dinner.

The show was on many things, but at the end of the day the basic question I had was "How much have we allowed society to become so disposable that there is no commitment to anything anymore?"

Society in its laws, and its emotional make-up and its support systems has become one that has built a foundation around the thought formula that "Don't let anyone feel badly for what they have done and don't let them feel remorse for the choices they make."

Each time I have read reports, and every time I hear about the way that courts make decisions, just supports these factors.

If we took one giant step back and evaluated what we have done and the decisions that we prefer, and evaluate it against what REALLY happens to children, youth, and to others I think we would suddenly question the celebration that everyone lives in where people live in a society where we "Don't let anyone feel badly for what they have done and don't let them feel TRUE remorse for the choices they make."

We become adults and suddenly what we lived through, becomes not so bad, because for some they pick up the baggage that parents left behind and passed on to the next generation who is us.

We at some point in our lives vowed that we would give something better to our children for their legacy, but at the end of the day as a society get caught up with, "Don't let anyone feel badly for what they have done and don't let them feel TRUE remore for the choices they make."

So, where does the cycle end? It ends with a choice knowing that it is ok to feel badly enough about bad choices and feel enough remorse to make a change that moves us this next generation away from the traps of the past and TRULY give our children a chance without abuse, addictions, and all of the negative things that caused us pain as children.

If society was not allowed to dispose of things so easily and had to face things instead, what would that look like?

What legacy would this create for those who count the most, our children who don't have a voice, because at the end of the day it is our children who have to truly endure our choices...

Personality Test

2007-06-11T19:21:00.000-06:00

I took a test, and this was my evaluation, I think it was pretty close to who I feel I am:

Risk Averse (X), High Energy (A), Optimistic (O), Seeks Predictability (P)
The X in this profile is a very important factor and should usually, but not always, be a match. This person takes it slower in love, but is generally an intense kind of person. This means that even though this is a Type A kind of person, they are unlikely to be romantically impulsive. This person doesn't want a lot of dramatic dead-end love affairs rotating in and out of their life because of a head-over-heels number. This person wants serious relationships. Generally, this person knows what they like and is confident once they make up their mind, things have a very good chance of working out well. They want a person who has their approach to life in general, a relationship built around friends, favorite places and monogamy.

Flexible, Compromiser, Temperate, Extrovert
This person is the universal connector. They get along with just about everyone, except possibly a serious introvert, if they are an extreme extrovert. But, they will do well with almost anyone, except someone looking for a highly structured life with a dominating type who will direct the relationship. This person might enjoy someone who is a bit more intense and more dominant than them. They are flexible enough to meet the challenge! In any case, this person has the tools to be a great partner: They are not insecure in relationships, like to work with someone on creating a life together, don't get upset easily, seek intimacy and open up their heart to a partner. What's not to love? This person has to be careful to not let the occasional dominating kind of person mistake their good will for weakness.

It was an interesting test to say the least, some of the questions seemed a bit odd, but I guess every test has its querks.

Anyway, I don't know that I agree with all the assumptions, but much of it makes sense.

But that is what you get when you do tests that are prepared to be taken by so many...

Bell's Palsy

2007-06-05T13:37:00.000-06:00

WHAT IS BELL'S PALSY?
Bells palsy is a condition that causes the facial muscles to weaken or become paralyzed. It's caused by trauma to the 7th cranial nerve, and is not permanent.

My dad was experiencing stroke like symptoms since Friday, and when he finally went to the doctor and told me what is happening the doctor told him that it might be a minor stroke or Bell's Palsy. The doctor said that he hoped it was Bell's Palsy as it is minor and the damage is recoverable for most of what is suffered.

It is a virus in the brain stem, and causes the symptoms stated above. The symptoms are more extensive than the description above, and it takes anywhere from weeks to 18 months to recover.

My son was very worried when my dad had to leave for a few days awhile ago, and the extent of how much that upset him flooded back to me when the doctor said his first priority was to rule out a stroke. My son could not take something this hard at this time, but we are extremely relieved that it is something recoverable and that it is not life threatening at this time.

I made sure that my son was not aware of what was going on, as I knew that it would scare him too much. My son doesn't like the doctor or the hospital anymore as it has taken too many people that he dearly loved from him. I am still working on him to help him understand that doctors and hospitals are not just a place where your loved ones just go away forever.

My son doesn't let me go too far anymore, and I still re-assure him that I am alright and I will always be there for him. It is such a big thing for him to have to work through, and at best I don't try to make him understand, it is more about allowing him to feel what he is going through and let him know it is alright.

He is a very strong little boy, and I just want him to have some relief from things that are not a child's to have to endure. It is the reason why I help him through things the way I do, I don't expect him to be forced to understand or carry adult problems, but allow him to feel what he needs to and know that I am here when he wants to get through the emotions he needs too.

He is still able to be a child that way, and I feel he is able to have a childhood that way too.

Pre-School Graduation

2007-06-03T21:41:00.000-06:00

Well, I wasn't given very many details just a little note with a few sentences on it saying that my son would need to wear black pants, white shirt, and a black tie as he was to be paticipating in the Pre-School Graduation on June 3, 2007. So, as any good mother would I commenced the hunt to find a little black tie and a white shirt, because you just don't buy a white shirt for my son's age it just won't stay white. Anyway, so I commenced the hunt, and at first I wasn't certain I would find what I needed but alas I did. My son was sooooooo excited to pick out a couple of belts too and feel like a real little man. So in the excitement I bought him a couple of little suit jackets too, just becuase he was so enthralled with dressing up so...

It was alot of fun, I told my boyfriend about it, and I could hear how proud he was of my son too. It was a great moment.

The day was stressful for other reasons, but putting those things aside my son did so well and I am so proud of him. At two moments he could have chosen to cry, but instead he was my brave little man and listened so well and got through everything he was directed to do by his teachers.

It is moments like these that will be bitter sweet for the rest of our lives, perhaps one day the bitter part will be so little though that the sweet part will override the stressful parts.

We watched the video and the only thing that my son kept saying the whole time was "where are you in the movie mommy?" I thought he would have focussed on other things, and I kept assuring him that I was taking his picture, and right there too. I am not sure why he worries so...I am always there, perhaps it is his way of just making sure...

I thought about having someone take out picture together after it was all over but it had started to rain and I barely got a picture of my son holding his little Graduation Certificate for the year and getting him to smile for me too. Oh, well, there are other days, and we had a nice day after the rain stopped, we spent the day outside getting him to learn how to pedal his bike properly.

Freedom Writers

2007-06-01T16:52:00.001-06:00

"Freedom Writers" is based on a true story, and I just finished watching it today on my day off. It was very well done and moving. It supported what I have known about people, sometimes you have to bring the truth to them in an unappologetic way and then once you get a place to start a commitment to change can happen.

It was a real story about how the world really changes, we make a choice, make the commitment and put as I put it "feet to our prayers."

It is not just words or prayers that change the world and move this generation it is also action.

It was truly a good movie.

Rent it, and Watch it.

Listening

2007-05-31T22:14:00.000-06:00

For years now I have heard the Elders talk about what leads to healing within the communities, but time and time again I see the words land on deaf ears. I also hear empty words spoken by this generation, where they speak about wanting to change the world or create a different legacy.

How do you change the future? If you don't want to get the same results then you have to do things differently. I have heard this statement over and over and over again. The next one I have engrained in my head is that if you require nothing you will get nothing.

Today, once again, I heard the Elders get adamant and very clearly state what they walked away from "completely," in order to change the tide and to enter a time of healing for their children in order to change the generation they could influence.

It came back to things that many addicts make excuses to keep a part of their lives, and they spoke over and over and over again today. If heaven could have rumbled and thundered with their words it would have broken from their cry. They said over and over again...I changed my life, and I left drinking, smoking, drugs and other abuses behind, I changed my life, in order to change and have a life of healing for my children.

I am disliked by some because I have a zero tolerance for alcohol for my life and the life I expose my son to, and I am highly criticized for this. Yet, the cry of the Elders is not quiet in the corner, and it is not silent in their homes, it is clear and distinct...it is, this generation, MUST CHANGE THEIR LIVES. It is to SAVE OUR YOUTH and OUR CHILDREN.

We have the keys and the knowledge to give our children a better legacy, but I know too well why it takes generations to move away from these addictions. If a child is born into severe abuse and alcohol abuse and they are introduced early and on a constant basis with alcohol then they will grow up looking for a way to rationalize the use of alcohol, addictions, and other abuses.

It is hard to change, and it takes generations sometimes in order to get away from this foundation in homes. I have a friend who said that she doesn't look at her family as having a problem when they have to drink until they are blacked out, because she has grown up with it. This person was not physically abused, and grew up drinking from a young age, so the hurt that it causes has not reached the central part of who she it yet. Although, this person describes neglecting her child.

The statistics are high for children who end up in the Foster System because of neglect. So, even though she grew up thinking that the alcohol has not affected her or her life, it is just around the corner if at the wrong moment and the wrong time her child could be taken by the Foster System. I hope within my heart that it never happens, but you cannot convince someone of the pain that they may go through. I have seen so many people who don't get things until they end up with a tragedy from their choices. It is unfortunate that far too many people make excuses and rationalize the need to drink and continue with other abuses instead of remembering the nightmare that they went through because of them.

I have seen generation after generation get swept away because of what I call the "denial file." The denial is necessary, because if you can look away from the very real affects of using alcohol, and continuing with addictions then you can continue to use the things that have control over your life.

It almost had me in tears to listen to the Elders, and then watch some youth laughing at them as they made their statements that they changed because they wanted healing for this generation. The statements ended with saying I did it because I love you. It was hurtful to see them laugh, because after living a lifetime of knowing what these things do this generation as generations before live in a "denial file."

Can we really just dabble in addictions? Can we really make excuses and expect others not to pay the price? Can we remember back to our own childhood which was devastating and remember TRULY why the hurt existed? If we make excuses about it today, will that change tomorrow? If we continue to deal with life from the use of substances that cause abuse can we expect a better legacy? Do we need alcohol, other substances and abuses in order to cope? How can we say that we are who we are and disrespect our Elders? How can we say that we are honoring the truth, and we turn our backs on the TRUTH that they give us?

I hear from some, I am not beating anyone, I am not sexually abusing anyone, I am not doing drugs? All the big items that are considered taboo, but they are neglecting a child, they have no accountability, and there are no boundaries in life...So, if we are spending dollars on alcohol and addictions, but we are still not doing the major taboo items, have we made the change that is necessary to show this generation how to live a life where they have EVERYTHING good that they could have, or have we just dressed the problems down a bit, and wrapped them in different paper. Is the foundation of excuses and level of alcohol use, substance use, addictions, and other abuses at a minimum enough to be dismissed? Although, the truth is that no trauma, pain, or abuse of a child or your family should be minimized and swept under the rug...shouldn't we have a no tolerance policy for abusing the next generation and taking their lives from them before or during their development when they are in our care?

We all go through hardship, but to have this as an excuse...it is not something that should even flow through minds of caregivers. Where does real change begin? One person said it is with a 180 degree turn, which means turning away from those things that fed into the abuse and the pain that was already experienced. It is not indicitive to our people, it is indicitive to all people, to deny, and to want to keep "just a bit," of the addiction.

Yet, if we keep, "just a bit," are we listening?

So, if these are the gifts that are given, what kind of generation have we got...we have 27,000 of our own people in a Foster System and gone from our communities. 80% of the children in care in our lands are our own people. So, if I asked you How is this working for us? How are we measuring up? How is what we are doing making a difference? Have we listened to the Elders? Have we made REAL CHANGE? Yes, poverty, yes, abuse from the past, and yes poor housing...but does that give this generation an excuse when they know how they were destroyed to continue to do the same, and not make resolve to give a different legacy, but way of excuses. We can't change our neighbor, but it DOES start with us. I have zero tolerance for alcohol, I have zero tolerance for substance abuse and I have zero tolerance for physical abuse, and it is my personal choice to have it as such for what I require of myself. I can only put the protection up for my child as the law allows me to do so...I know I cannot protect him from life, but I can provide him a place of safety and a better chance to move forward with less struggles emotionally than I had because of being abused. It is my commitment. What is the commitment of this generation from ourselves to those that we love? Is it REAL change, or is it the same thing as was given to us, but just wrapped differently (minimized addictions)? WHERE IS REAL CHANGE?

I hear about groups that make people feel good, but in all of the feeling good and fuzzy peach feelings I have seen very few people come back to commit to their children. Too many fuzzy feelings, too many excuses, too many its not your fault, and too many people who choose things because they cannot put themself aside long enough to take care of the gift that God gave them, their child.

Life is too short to say to give excuses, life is too short to say I will make things up to them, life is too short when you are so busy writing your denial file that you lose your child.

Today, was a day that I never want to forget

Cloths of Heaven

2007-05-29T11:22:00.000-06:00

Cloths of Heaven
~
Had I the heavens’ embroidered cloths,Enwrought with golden and silver light,The blue and the dim and the dark clothsOf night and light and the half light,I would spread the cloths under your feet:But I, being poor, have only my dreams;I have spread my dreams under your feet;Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.
- W.B.Yeats

Two Days to Forget

2007-05-22T12:56:00.000-06:00

I have tried my best to forget two days for this year, but somehow it was inevitable that I ended up getting through them most begrudingly...some things I guess will fade with time.

May 11 is the day that my ex-husband left, and May 21 is the day that our divorce became final. I almost made it through yesterday (one year after the divorce was final) without taking note of it.

I took my son to see Shrek 3, and I had asked someone if it would be movie that he would like and they said yes, but it was not really that the content was too old...but there were two things that I didn't know about that impacted my son...the first was there were too many villains together and the scene where that happened was a bit overwhelming for him, but before that, there was a scene where the characters were sitting around and talking about their dads leaving them and how they felt about everything.

My son took this very hard, and started to cry, even at this age and everything I do to try to make him feel differently he still feels things that I cannot fix...

It was what made yesterday so hard, and why I say that we almost made it through. I wish I would have known, but that is not something that people think about I guess when they are evaluating if a movie is ok for your young one.

Anyway, it wasn't anyone's fault, but it made for a harder day for me and my son. I talked him through things and got him to think about other good things, but it will not be a movie that we ever watch again.

Two Classes Left

2007-05-18T08:42:00.000-06:00

Well, today is a good day, last night I went to my second last class for my Bachelors's Degree in Commerce. Wow, did it feel great to hear the Professor anounce that we are one third of the way through this class already, and I looked we even get a week's break in between this class. It was so good to hear things. I got my marks back and it is official I made it through last term, and Yes!, I definitely am sooooooo, close to being done.
It is so tremendous to be this close, and it feels great.

Golf

2007-05-08T20:53:00.000-06:00

So, today was the first time that I went out with staff and golfed. I actually didn't mind it for the first time, I guess I had a stigma against the game because of thihngs over the past few years. It was actually very nice today though, I was told that I was a natural, and I can shoot very straight and the ball goes where I want it to go. The comment was that I should practice if I like the game because it seems to come naturally to me. I guess I refused to try before because of some things, but it was nice to hear. It is not something that after I have played for the first time and I just want to spend all of my time doing, because as soon as we were done I just wanted to spend time with my son. I got my dad to drive my son out to the Berry Barn and we ran around there. It was when I was with my son again and we were running around that I felt sooooo very good about the day, not that the time with my co-workers wasn't good, but golf was fun for the time while I spent it with them relaxing, but definitely not a passion.

It makes me care about my friend more and more, because we are both just like that...we care about people, and that is first and foremost...
Not that golfers, and other avid sports enthusiasts care less, but I do notice that I don't really tie into anything and allow it to capture me solely...I don't see that as a bad thing either. Although, I should digress, because my son has captured me soley, hmmmm, probably just a perspective thing, now that I really think about it...I just like my friend's perspective a whole lot too...

Life eh!

Repatriation

2007-04-24T21:05:00.000-06:00

My son is finally transferred to my Reserve and I feel such a big sigh of relief, it was such a long process. After such a long time of making it happen I finally got the final document today that it was absolutely official. It is an amazing feeling, and there are no words to describe.

The only word that came to mind was repatriation, and I didn't look it up to see what it means literally, but for whatever reason the word came to mind when all of this was finally over.

Anyway, there are other things to do yet, because we want to go and see my boyfriend down south and spend time with him in the fall, but for today, this at least feels like I can take a breath instead of holding it to get this done.

After The Rain

2007-04-18T09:36:00.000-06:00

There is a song that goes talks about "After The Rain," that things will begin to begin again, heal, and be restored. It is the basis of the words, and today listening to the rain as it came down this morning felt so good, and walking outside and looking up at the sky was just like getting a hug from Heaven.

I have a wonderful friend in my life, and right now he is my best friend, and the more we talk and the more we support each other it is becoming so wonderful to know that there is someone that cares about me for who I am on the inside, and is supportive of how I honor God and lives life with the same commitment to God that I do.

It is like filling my lungs with clean air, and having the peace and strength to breath once again. It has been a stressful week and my friend is truly my best friend. Today, is a day I wish I could be off just to take some time...but perhaps I will sneak outside later on and enjoy the moment a bit more.

Feeling Safe

2007-04-16T12:39:00.000-06:00

I thought that once you get divorced the court documents provide you with some level of comfort or safety.

I have found that they do not, and that it is only a nice agreement on paper that must be strongly defended.

It was a sense of safety and some sort of resolution and peace that I hoped having things legalized would bring, but it has not. I want to feel safe, but I don't...I want to just have the right to get through school and have agreements honored but it is not happening...I want too much I guess...I want to feel safe and know that I will not lose my son, but I don't know if that is something I can trust anymore either...here is where I am at a total loss and the only thing I have is to trust God that He will help...it is a hard thing to completely let go when things like my son are closest to my very being and I don't know whether I can ever feel safe even after it has been legally supported...

I am a good mother, I love my son, and I just want the right to feel safe again...

The Speed Trust - Installment #1 - Excerpts from Stephen M.R. Covey's book

2007-04-13T15:16:00.000-06:00

Few things can help an individual more than to place responsibility on him, and to let him know that you trust him.

----Booker T. Washington

Trust is one of the most powerful forms of motivation and inspiration. People want to be trusted. In order to establish, extend, and restore trust---we first need to understand how trust works.

What is it in you that inspires the trust of others?

Trust can be thought of in terms of character----of being a good or sincere person or of having ethics or integrity. Character is absolutely foundational and essential. Trust is a function of two things: character and competence. Character includes your integrity, your motive, your intent with people. Competence includes you capabilities, your skills, your results, your track record. And both are vital.

The 5 Waves of Trust:

#1 – Self Trust: FOUNDATIONAL PRINCIPLE confidence in ourselves—in our ability to set and achieve goals, to keep commitments, to walk our talk—and also with our ability to inspire trust in others. The idea is to become, both to ourselves and to others, a person who is worthy of trust. The Key Principle is credibility, which comes from the Latin root credere, meaning “to believe.” See the “4 Cores of Credibility,” where we will look at ways to increase credibility in order to firmly establish trust with ourselves and with others. The end result of high character and high competence is credibility, judgment, and influence. The 4 Cores of Credibility are:

a. Person of Integrity—that you are honest and congruent (the same inside and out—seamless, listening to the quiet voice of conscience without extrinsic factors being needed to comply), and that you have a reputation for being truthful, that you have humility, and that you would not lie (leaving the right impression). Integrity includes:

i. Integrated-ness, which is walking your talk—being congruent inside and out---having the courage to act in accordance to values and beliefs

“To me, integrity, the root word, really has to do with the whole man, with character, with completeness and goodness.I think of a man or woman of integrity as someone who is balanced and complete, with high character.A person of principle.”—Sachs

Whoever is careless with the truth in small matters cannot be trusted with important matters. –Einstein
What Ghandi thinks, what he feels, what he says, and what he does are all the same…Mahadev Desa

In the metaphor of the tree integrity is the root, and is vital

<> ii. Humble people are more concerned about what is right than about being right, about acting on good ideas,
than having the ideas, about embracing new truth than defending outdated position, about building, about recognizing contribution. Humble people also know they do not stand alone. The opposite of humility is pride—putting ego first, above principles, above others.
<> iii. Courage to do the right thing—even when it is hard

<>Courage is the first of the human qualities because it is a quality which guarantees all the others—Churchill

<>How to increase your integrity?—The Three “ACCELLERATORS”

<>Find out How much Integrity you really Have.

Do I genuinely try to be honest in all my interactions with others?

<>Do I typically “walk my talk?”

<>Am I clear on my values? Do I feel comfortable in standing up for them?

<>Am I open to the possibility o learning new truths that may cause me to rethink issues or even redefine my values?

<>Am I able to consistently make and keep commitments to myself?

<>
Then Make and Keep Commitments to Myself
<> <>
2. Stand for Something—Stand for the Right Things

Be valued and principle based. Know what you stand for, and live by those standards.—Kodak

Openness is vital to integrity (It takes humility and courage—humility to acknowledge that there are principles out there you may not currently be aware of, and courage to follow them once you discover them)

Do I Believe that the way I see the world is totally accurate and complete—or am I honestly willing to listen to and consider new viewpoints and ideas?

Do I seriously consider differing points of view, and am I willing to be influenced by them?

Do I believe there may be principles that I have not yet discovered? Am I determined to live in harmony with them, even if it means developing new thinking patterns and habits?

Do I value—am I involved in—continual learning?

To the degree which you remain open to new ideas, possibilities, and growth, you create a trust dividend; to the degree you do not, you create a trust tax that impacts both your current and future performance.

b. Good Intent—that you’re not trying to deceive, that you don’t have any hidden agenda that would taint good faith

Ø In law, a man is guilty when he violates the rights of another: In ethics, he is guilty if he only thinks of doing so.—Kant

<> i. Straightforward motives and based on mutual benefit---when we genuinely care not only for ourselves, but
also for the people we interact with (hidden agendas destroys this; integrity and intent are matters of character)

Ø Intent matters

Ø It grows out of character
Ø While we tend to judge ourselves by our intent, we tend to judge others by their behavior
Ø We also tend to judge others’ intent based on our own paradigm and experience
Ø Our perception of intent has a huge impact on trust
Ø People often distrust us because of the conclusions they draw about what we do

Ø It is important for us to actively influence the conclusions others draw by “declaring out intent.”

Ø While our motives and agendas are deep inside in our own hearts and minds, they become visible to others through our behaviors and as we share them with others.

Ø Intent is Vital to Trust

Ø How often do I discount (or “tax”) what someone says because I am suspicious about that person’s intent?

Ø What kind of tax are we all paying because of lack of trust?

Ø What kind of tax am I paying because others question my intent?

Ø What can I do to improve and better communicate my intent?

What is Intent?

Ø “plan” or “purpose”

o Motive – your reason for doing something (It is the “why” that motivates the “what”) The motive that inspires the greatest trust is genuine caring (trust comes from believing someone cares)

o Agenda—grows out of motive. It is what you intend to do or promote because of your motive. The agenda that generally inspires the greatest trust is seeking mutual benefit—genuinely wanting what is best for everyone involved.

o Behavior – the manifestation of motive and agenda. The behavior that best creates credibility and inspires trust is acting in the best interest of others. (It is easy to say I care and I want the best for you, but it is our actual behavior that demonstrates whether or not we mean it.)

How to Improve Intent?—3 ACCELERATORS TO Improve Intent:

Ø Intent is a matter of the heart. It is something that you cannot fake—at least not for long. It can be worked on and improved.

1. Examine and Refine Your Motives (remove all rational lies, and get down to the deepest level to examine our own motives, and change what needs to be changed.) As these questions:

Ø Interaction with a child: Are my actions motivated by genuine care and love? Am I really seeking the best interests of this child? Am I humble enough to admit if I am wrong? Or am I really trying to impose my will on this child?

Ø Interaction with others: Am I sincerely listening to what the other person is saying? Am I genuinely open to the other person’s influence? Do I understand where the other person is coming from? Or am I focused on explaining my point of view, being right, or getting my way? Do I genuinely want what is best for us both? Do I really understand what constitutes a “win” for the other party? Have I clearly thought through and can I express what constitutes a “win” for me? Am I open to synergy and third alternatives? Or do I really want to “win,” regardless of what happens to the other party?

2. Declare Your Intent

Ø Declaring your intent and expressing your agenda and motives can be very powerful, particularly if your behavior is being misinterpreted or misconstrued by others. It is also valuable as a means of establishing trust in new relationships.

3. Choose Abundance

Ø Abundance means there is enough for everybody

Other ACCELERATOR QUESTIONS: Examine your current thinking by asking:

Ø When I am in the middle of a negotiation, do I really believe it’s possible to come up with a solution that will provide benefit for us both—or deep down, do I believe that the other person can gain benefit only at my expense?

Ø Do I believe that if I love other people, my own supply of love will be replenished—or diminished?

Ø Do I believe there is room for other people to see things differently than I do…and still be right?

Ø Do I believe that, whatever my economic circumstances, I can share with and benefit others?

c. Credentials are Excellent—that you do indeed have capability to do what you are called on to do

i. Ability to inspire confidence—talents, attitudes, skills, knowledge, and style (these are the means to produce results—branches of the tree that produce results)

Ø Capable people are credible, and they inspire trust—no one can effectively be given a new level of responsibility if they are not capable (even if they are honest, caring and produce some results)

Ø Need to be involved in constantly learning, growing, and developing new skills (the job does not end, and it will always require more and more of individuals)

Examine by asking yourself these questions:

Ø What capabilities do I have to make me credible and that inspire the trust and confidence in others?

Ø What experience have I had (or not had) in developing capabilities that affects the confidence I have in myself?

Ø What is my attitude and approach toward improving my current capabilities and gaining new ones?

TASKS:

One way to think about the various dimensions of capabilities is to use the acronym “TASKS.”

T alents – natural gifts

A ttitudes – our ways of seeing, as well as our ways of being

S kills – our proficiencies

K knowledge – learning, insight, understanding, and awareness

S tyle – unique approach and personality

Questions to consider:

Ø What are my unique strengths or talents? How can I better maximize the talents I have?

Ø What are my attitudes about life? About myself, my capabilities, and my opportunities to contribute? Are there more productive attitudes and paradigms I could embrace that would help me create better results?

Ø What skills do I currently have? What skills will I need in the future that I do not currently have? To what degree am I involved in constantly upgrading my skills?

Ø What areas of knowledge do I need to pursue?

Ø How effective is my current style in approaching problems and opportunities and interacting with others? Does my approach facilitate or get in the way of accomplishing what needs to be done? What can I do to improve the way in which I go about doing things?

Matching T-A-S-K-S to TASKS:

The end in mind is to develop our TASKS and to match them to the tasks at hand—to create the best possible alignment between our natural gifts, our passions, our skills, knowledge, and style and the opportunity to contribute and make a difference.

On the individual level, the problem is that many people are not into the idea of continuous improvement.

How to increase your Capabilities?

1. Run with Your Strengths (and with Your Purpose)

Ø Simply identify your strengths (whether they be Talents, Attitudes, Skills, Knowledge, or Style), and then focus on engaging, developing, and leveraging what’s distinctly yours.

2. Keep Yourself Relevant

Ø Be engaged in lifelong learning

3. Know Where You’re Going

Ø The people you lead want to know where they’re going.—Motorola

Trust Abilities:

To assess what you can work on to create the most effective improvement in your trust abilities ask these questions:

Ø To what degree do I have some degree of natural talent in the area of trust abilities? Do things such as integrity and good intent come naturally to me? Do I naturally ask for mutual benefit? Do I inherently know and do the things that inspire trust?

Ø What are my attitudes in this area? Do I recognize and respect the need for trust? Do I approach issues and try to get things done in ways that build trust?

Ø Do I have trust-building skills? Do I interact with others in ways that build trust?

Ø What knowledge and understanding do I have about establishing, growing, and restoring trust?

Ø Is my style of action and interaction one that inspires trust? Is my style one that extends trust to others?

d. Good Track Record, that you have demonstrated you are capable and effective in other situations and in the past and that you produce good results, and that there is good reason that you will do so now

i. Track Record, our performance, our getting the right things done (if we don’t do what is agreed on/promised our reputation precedes us)

Ø Results Matter! – They matter to your credibility. They matter to your ability to establish and maintain trust with others.

Ø Results are the fruit of the tree. Results are the tangible, measurable end purpose and product of the roots, trunk, and branches. The tree needs to produce what it was intended to produce—TRUST.

Ø Results help to cover shortcomings; it helps to minimize the small stuff. Yet, result will not offset integrity.

Results---Past, Present, and Future

Ø Our credibility comes not only from our past results and our present results, but also from the degree of confidence other have in our ability to produce results in the future.

Ø Bottom line, whether you are dealing with restoring trust or establishing it in the first place, it is results that will convert the cynics.

Ø The Track record goes to the degree of confidence and the degree of trust that will be extended. Track Record will project past performance on future results.

“WHAT” and “HOW”:

Ø What results am I getting?

Ø How am I getting those results? (The how can generate huge roadblocks to future results—or it can grease the skids)

Ø It is easier to get results the next time around if people trust you…if they know you’re going to give credit, to seek mutual benefit, to not place blame. They will want to engage with you, to give you information, to help you because you’ve become credible with them. They trust that you will go for results in a way that will benefit everyone involved.

Defining RESULTS:

Ø Bottom line and the connection between results and credibility

Ø Sometimes results must be defined in a different way, because results are simply not in your control—

Questions to ask:

1. I failed at a relationship/objective/etc.. But what is the result? What have I learned? Did I do my best? Am I modeling the kind of behavior I want for my children to see?

2. I had a disaster. But what new opportunities do I have as a result? Is there a better way to do things? What strengths do I have to help me rebuild?

Communicating Results:

Ø It is important to be able to appropriately communicate results to others

How to improve your RESULTS:

Three ACCELERATORS To Improve Results –

Ø Take Responsibility for Results

Ø Expect to Win – There is power in expectation

Ø Finish Strong

The first wave of trust—Self Trust—is all about credibility. It is all about developing the integrity, intent, capabilities, and results that make you believable, both to yourself and to others.

1) Do I trust myself?

2) Am I someone others can trust?

Self Trust -- What is the net result of repeated failure to make and keep commitments to ourselves? It hacks away at our self-confidence. Not only do we lose trust in our ability to make and keep commitments, we fail to project the personal strength of character that inspires trust.

Inspiring Trust – It is the little things that count, that show people who you are, so that you inspire trust in them.

The only way to build trust is to be trustworthy.

See Questionnaire: Page 50-53

I wish I could

2007-04-09T13:36:00.000-06:00

I wish there was a way that I could protect my son from the pain of being in the middle of a divorced family...at the times I think he is alright...he says small things and I can see how much it hurts him, especially when his dad cancels his visit...I try to distract my son and I never tell him that his dad has cancelled, but the time between visits is something that I cannot hide...it hurts my heart to see him and hear him when he asks me...it is the times that I can't take away the hurt...I can only distract him from it...I can't fix it...I can only redirect him from it, and try to make a better memory...I wish above all else that I could save him from the pain...but I cannot...

Travelling

2007-04-08T20:36:00.000-06:00

My son and I went on two trips this week...one for my work and one for the holiday to see family...I know on the whole he does not mind, but on the other hand my son loves home the best...don't we all...there is something about your own space, and your own bed, and your own things to be comfortable around...I get an itch to fly every once in awhile, but for now, today...home is best...

My son's stories

2007-04-02T21:31:00.000-06:00

Well, I got tired of waiting for the artwork to get started for my son's book that I wrote for him...so I made a trip to the craft store and bought scrapbook paper, stickers, and glue...it is amazing what they are making these days...I know it is not as good as a professionally done piece of art, but my son doesn't know the difference and at this point at least he will get to see what I mean in the words that I wrote in his story.

It can be very captivating to do something like this, and I started one of the pages and didn't even see the time fly by...two hours or more just vanished. It is well worth the effort, because my son loves being a part of everthing...

Teaching my son to tell story

2007-04-01T15:09:00.000-06:00

My son and I tell story every night, or whenever we are just spending some time together. He says, "tell me story about..." He usually picks an animal and adds a little boy and his mommy or some other combination in there somehow.

It is a good exercise for me, because it helps me to realize that if I lay there and concentrate enough then I can tell quite the elaborate story for my son. Other times we are just silly and I just keep asking him, then what, and he adds a little blurb enough for me to start another little chapter in the story that he wants me to tell.

We went to the craft store and I bought these foam pieces that were cut into spaceship stuff and they have a sticky back to them and I also bought some sheets of foam to stick them to. My son and I just sat there and for a good couple of hours I let him pick pieces and stick them to the pages while he created his own story. It is something that takes quite a bit of time, because we really only did 5 pages, but to my son it meant the world, because it was a story that he made.

I realize afterward too, that since they are not pages bound together that he and I can tell endless different stories with the pages that he made...it is the simple things that win the heart of your child and it is the peaceful things that help to shape their character in the most tender way.

Ritual for Motivation

2007-04-01T15:03:00.000-06:00

We all have our own ways of motivating ourselves I think especially with the things that we don't like to do. Cleaning is not a hobby that I have ever been in love with although I don't hate it either. I suppose the thing is that it is just very time consuming at a point in my life when I budget my time for everything.

So, I start doing things that will get me going, like I will do the dishes, then start the laundry, then move on to sweeping the floors, then mopping and as I get that done then I get near the bathroom and scrub every inch...don't get me wrong I am not a cleaning Nazi or anything...I just have a pattern and there are some things that just must be done and every inch must be gotten too.

Dusting, is another thing, I don't do that religiously, as it is one thing that doesn't catch my eye until I see a dust bunny somewhere I would rather not have seen it.

My one pet peeve is flyers and junk mail, I am totally obsessed with dumping them in the garbage faster than anyone can catch the darn things in the house. I find that the less I keep them around the slower dust builds up. My personal desk space could use an overhaul, but that gets cleaned out every couple of months from old research material and other odds and ends that end up on it because of school.

I probably don't even do as much as other people do to clean my home, because I don't remember the last time I actually polished my furniture (you see it is oak, and what a shame I have not pulled it apart to take some oak polish to it). It must be having the three year old, but really he is not bad. It is really a struggle when my relatives come over and they seem to bring a whirlwind inside my home, and then I spend some good times starting over again. Gotta love company though, and with that comes the whole shabang all over again.

I don't mind I have my rituals, where I do certain things during the week and then catch up on the rest on the weekend. I don't know why I even thought about it today, but for a second I thought about the ritual I have to get me started...

I suppose it is because I do other things also, just to change the tide if something unfavorable happens, and had analyzed that today too, funny eh? One thing got me analyzing some other thing...

Save the Drama

2007-03-30T10:44:00.000-06:00

Now, there is some things you just can't avoid, but I had a phone call a couple nights ago, and by the end of the call I said it on the phone and I also said it to a very close friend of mine that I don't need the drama.

If I had been at another point in my life, perhaps I would have wanted to try to see what I needed to do. At the end of the day right now though I am simply just walking away. It has been a very long two years, and I just don't have any more to feed into these kinds of things any more.

I would have to be honest and say that I cried, and wished that people would just learn to be honest and honorable instead of trying to save themselves and lie. A lie only brings destroying things into you life, and it will eventually surface as to what the truth was. Simply put, just tell the truth and you will get what you give in life.

There is nothing left for me to do...and I suppose if I hadn't been through so much I might try and help more, but perhaps this is destiny to happen at this exact moment, just so I won't.

I feel good today, I was a bit rocky yesterday morning, but I worked through it, because I had just gotten two phones calls of drama the night before (not as bad as I have expienced before, so it was really low key...if you compare it to what it could have been - thankfully, we were just two adults who realized we both needed to understand), but at the end of the day...life goes on.

Destiny of a Child

2007-03-25T20:38:00.000-06:00

My son picks up on everything around him, and he copies most everything. He copies the words people use, and the way people do things, and he does much of this copying from me as his parent. He picks up when something upsets me too, and he talks like that to try to get my attention or he tells me to talk nicely.

Children pick up everything, and I am always reminded that in order to change the destiny of my son I have to change the reality and the inputs whether verbal, emotional, or physical that I am giving to my son. His legacy will only change with my commitment to give him a solid imprint from me. If I want a different outcome for him as a legacy then I have to be better for him to learn from.

I can't be perfect, and he will see me be human, but the best things that I can do is to teach him to talk in a way that respects everyone, to treat others in a respectful way (remembering that he needs to treat people how he would also like to be treated), and to remember God is with him and knows all he does, and to honor him with everything that he does.

Life has no perfect mold, but the reality is if we don't make a conscious effort to change the inputs that gave us a legacy that caused pain, then we won't get a different reality. I require something different, because I want a different result. It is said that to do that same thing over and over again and expect a different result is insanity. It is true, and I am trying to do things differently to get a different result.

I can't do it all, but my effort is conscious.

Reality, Truth, Love, Trust and Honor...words that are easily said, but not always easily taught...everyday, little by little, and one small lesson at a time...that is how I see sowing into the life of children.

Some people believe it doesn't matter what you invest into children, because they will turn out the way they will turn out. The truth is that TRUE Character can be instilled, and once it is settled in someone it is hard to change the tide. None of us know the complete reality of who our children are, and if we add a bit of nonesense, and a bit of addiction, and a bit of this old habit, or this bad habit, and say that in the end it will do no harm...but how then do you paint the picture of your child's life. We can't all be perfect, but a conscious effort will be seen by our children and they will try to genuinely be caring people with good character.

It is a gift to raise a child to be a person who inspires trust, and who is seen as a person of character, and a person who genuinely does their best to take care of the responsibilities that they have. If we do all we can then we have given our child a true gift, because at the end of the day it will bring them success, honor, and a life of caring that will surround them. It is what I wish for my son, from a mother's heart. It is what I truly want for my son.

Easter Eggs

2007-03-19T22:02:00.001-06:00

What I learned Today?

Today I learned about Easter Eggs

And about a story that is very true

At Easter time I run and play to find Easter Eggs

But I know they mean much more

Did you know? That the Easter eggs mean new life

I spend time decorating them to make them sparkle bright

I make them look special

To take time to remember

Jesus and the gift of life He gave

So, 12 days before Easter, each day is special

Because, each day holds a story of Jesus Love

About the Easter Blessing

And the Gift of new life that Jesus Gave

So, with each day

So, with each story

So, with each egg I make

I remember, the special gift of new life

So, remember that Easter means new life

Just like an egg holds life

New life sparkles just like my Easter Eggs

New life, love, and forgiveness – that is What Easter is

Written for my son who is learning more and more every day about Jesus, and what He means…A Mother (March 19, 2007)

Good Faith

2007-03-13T22:21:00.001-06:00

Its funny how people are...I warned someone that I could not deal with the things that they were wanting me to deal with right now...I have too many things to sort out emotionally (some grief, some commitments, other things are just pressures from school to be done my classes this term, along with a whole pile of other issues).

It fell on deaf ears, and it ended badly...as I knew it would...because the agenda that was presented and the reasons for the agenda were not honest, there was a hidden agenda, and that is unfortunate.

It is irrelavant now though, and the reality is that simple conversations escalated and went from bad to worse. I just don't have any more emotionally to try to make it better right now.

I suppose me knowing that doesn't matter at all, and at least for now things have stopped. I just wanted rest for awhile, and now perhaps even if it was in a bad way, I will have a rest until June. It was not the way I had originally asked for the rest, but life goes on, and we just survive the bruises it gives.

Being understood to me means that if I ask for space to grieve and I explain in a meaningful way why then the actions should follow that I am understood. Perhaps I have the wrong understanding of being understood.

It is funny I work with many groups of people and we negotiate terms and conditions all the time in order to come to an agreement to act in good faith, and this all felt like it was just the opposite of good faith.

If the parties agree, and the agreements are constantly broken or challenged or threatened then that is not deemed good faith. It does not matter how many smiles people come to the table with or how many compliments are shared, if the action does not follow suit with what was promised or agreed to then that is seen as bad faith. We never approach a group of people by stating in writing that we make a commitment to act properly and respectfully and that we will hold up our part of the bargain, and then months later break our word as it suits us or as we see it needs to suit us to break the bargain because now we feel like it is no longer convenient for us anymore. The changing of agreements is done mutually and with all of the information necessary, and good faith stands when things are done up front. We do not inform each other that it is inconvenient for us to act in good faith anymore, therefore we will not be acting in good faith. What a destroying thing that would be if we came to the table and that was the kind of people we really were "all talk, but broke our agreements when it is convenient for us to do so."

My son is the most important part of my life, and it hurts intensely when things like this keep happening on top of what I am already sorting through emotionally.

I talked to my counsellor about it, and he said that I need to be careful not to consume me, and this is my way of shelving it. It is hard, but that is what I do on a routine basis right now, I tend to shelve things because I don't have the emotional space to work things out. I just don't want all of the boxes to fall on me. I want to be able to get through them and leave them behind one by one instead once and for all. Maybe someday, perhaps, maybe...

Anyway, back to trying to read at least a few pages a night on "The Speed of Trust"...

I just got a call from someone who was close to my mom, and we get calls quite often where people will mention her, but there are those significant calls where people were really close to her.

We just talked a little about her and cried, because we miss my mom so much...it helps to get through these times to be able to talk with those that loved her that much and just cry a bit...I loved my mom...she went through so much in her life, and never lost her smile...she was not one for many words, but the times she shared she was able to help those that were hurting...my mom and her mom (my grandma) were very alike...they went through times of extreme hardship and never broke and never lost their quiet ways or their smiles...I remember my grandmother sharing with me things that she says that she never told anyone else...I wish I was as strong as both of them...I miss them so much...I can't even put into words how this feels, I wanted to take time to remember them and not have to worry about other things as much, I have to concentrate on school, my job, and my son, but I wanted to be relieved of the other demands so that I could have the time to remember...

I thought that wasn't too much to ask...it apparently was...life will go on, and maybe someday I will have mercy to do just that have time to take time to remember...

The Speed of Trust (READ IT...a golden book)

2007-03-10T15:45:00.000-06:00

Here is my next book that I think I will force time to read, I feel compelled to read it, and the title intrigues me...

I understand deeply what this topic is, and have a hard time in this area because of being burned...

Well, here is my crack at re-building again, anyway...next steps...

No Formula to Grief

2007-02-27T21:14:00.000-06:00

Even though I found this article on grieving even I
know there is no real formula to grief One goes
through certain stages in grief, but there is no
cut and dry you will go through phase one for a
week and then phase two for two weeks and phase
three for another week.

It is just not the reality of grieving, but
losing in four areas in the last year and a
half really brings this back to me again, as
I was faced with a request from someone
when I had asked for space to grieve, but
did not get that space.

I thought in that I would have been
granted at least a four month reprieve
from having to deal with anything that
needed any extreme attention, but
I guess that is not going to happen.

Anyway, here is the article, and here
I am wishing I could have a reprieve, but
somehow knowing that
it really won't be a reality...

I needed the emotional space, and thought
that is was not too much to ask...its
too bad that going through a divorce, losing
my mother, grandmother (mother's mom)
and my adopted grandmother and having my
mom's father in the hospital is
not enough for this person to allow
me space to grieve.

It made me sadder today, I wonder when
I will deserve mercy to grieve for
my loved ones...I suppose there are those
 that don't get that mercy either,
I just wished I had that mercy...maybe
someone still believes deeply that it
it is not that person's family so it
is not that person's problem...

If someone close to you has died, you may be feeling
many different emotions. You may be sad, worried, or
scared. You might be shocked, unprepared, or confused.
You might be feeling angry, cheated, relieved, guilty,
exhausted, or just plain empty. Your emotions might be
stronger or deeper than usual or mixed together in
ways you've never experienced before.

You might also notice that your loss is affecting what
you're thinking about and how you behave. If you're
grieving, you might be having trouble concentrating,
sleeping, eating, or feeling interested in the things
you usually enjoy. You might be trying to act like you
feel OK (even if you don't) because you want to be
strong for someone else. And you may wonder if you
will ever get over losing someone who means so much to
you.

All of these emotions can be natural reactions to the
death of someone close. They're part of the process of
grieving.
What Is Grief?

Grief is the emotion people feel when they experience
a loss. There are many different types of loss, and
not all of them are related to death. A person can
also grieve over the breakup of an intimate
relationship or after a parent moves away from home.

Grief is a natural reaction to the loss of someone
important to you. Grief is also the name for the
healing process that a person goes through after
someone close has died. The grieving process takes
time, and the healing usually happens gradually.

Although everyone experiences grief when they lose
someone, grieving affects people in different ways.
How it affects you partly depends on your situation
and relationship with the person who died.

The circumstances under which a person dies can
influence grief feelings. For example, if someone has
been sick for a long time or is very old, you may have
expected that person's death. Although it doesn't
necessarily make it any easier to accept (and the
feelings of grief will still be there), some people
find that knowing someone is going to die gives them
time to prepare. And if a loved one suffered a lot
before dying, a person might even feel a sense of
relief when the death occurs. If the person who has
died is very young, though, you may feel a sense of
how terribly unfair it seems.

Losing someone suddenly can be extremely traumatic,
though, no matter how old that person is. Maybe
someone you know died unexpectedly - as a result of
violence or a car accident, for example. It can take
a long time to overcome a sudden loss because you may
feel caught off guard by the event and the intense
feelings that are associated with it.

Losing someone because he or she committed suicide can
be especially difficult to deal with. People who lose
friends or family members to suicide may feel intense
despair and sadness because they feel unable to
understand what could have led to such an extreme
action. They may even feel angry at the person - a
completely normal emotion. Or they could feel guilty
and wonder if there was something they might have done
to prevent the suicide. Sometimes, after a traumatic
loss, a person can become depressed and may need extra
help to heal.

If you've lost someone in your immediate family, such
as a parent, brother, or sister, you may feel cheated
out of time you wanted to have with that person. It
can also feel hard to express your own grief when
other family members are grieving, too. Some people
may hold back their own grief or avoid talking about
the person who died because they worry that it may
make a parent or other family member sad.

Grief can cause some people to feel guilty for no
reason. Depending on the circumstances, some people
might wonder if something they did - or didn't do -
caused the person's death. Others might think if only
they had been better people that their loved ones
might not have died. These things aren't true, of
course - but sometimes feelings and ideas like this
are just a way of trying to make sense of something
that's difficult to understand.

All of these feelings and reactions are OK - but what
can people do to get through them? How long does grief
last? Will things ever get back to normal? And how
will you go on without the person who has died?
Coping With Grief

The grieving process is very personal and individual -
each person goes through his or her grief differently.
Some people reach out for support from others and find
comfort in good memories. Others become very busy to
take their minds off the loss. Some people become
depressed and withdraw from their peers or go out of
the way to avoid the places or situations that remind
them of the person who has died. Just as people feel
grief in many different ways, they handle it
differently, too.

For some people, it may help to talk about the loss
with others. Some do this naturally and easily with
friends and family, others talk to a professional
therapist. Some people may not feel like talking about
it much at all because it's hard to find the words to
express such deep and personal emotion or they wonder
whether talking will make them feel the hurt more.
This is fine, as long you find other ways to deal with
your pain.

A few people may act out their sorrow by engaging in
dangerous or self-destructive activities. Doing things
like drinking, drugs, or cutting yourself to escape
from the reality of a loss may seem to numb the pain,
but the feeling is only temporary. The person isn't
really dealing with the pain, only masking it, which
makes all those feelings build up inside and only
prolongs the grief.

If your pain just seems to get worse, or if you feel
like hurting yourself or have suicidal thoughts, tell
someone you trust about how you feel.
What to Expect

It may feel impossible to recover after losing someone
you love. But grief does get gradually better and
become less intense as time goes by. To help get you
through the pain, it can help to know some of the
things you might expect during the grieving process.

The first few days after someone dies can be intense,
with people expressing strong emotions, perhaps crying
and comforting each other, and gathering to express
their support and condolences to the ones most
affected by the loss.

Family and friends often participate in rituals that
may be part of their religious, cultural, community,
or family traditions - such as memorial services,
wakes, or funerals. These activities can help people
get through the first days after a death and honor the
person who died. People might spend time together
talking and sharing memories about the person who
died. This may continue for days or weeks following
the loss as friends and family bring food, send cards,
or stop by to visit.

Many times, people show their emotions during this
time. But sometimes a person can be so surprised or
overwhelmed by the death that he or she doesn't show
any emotion right away - even though the loss is very
hard. For example, Joey's friends expected he'd be
really upset at his mom's funeral, so they were
surprised that he was smiling and talking with people
as if nothing had happened. When they asked him about
it, Joey said that seeing his friends at the funeral
cheered him up because it reminded him that some
things would still be the same. Joey was able to cry
and talk about how he felt when he was alone with his
dad after the funeral.

Sometimes, when the rituals associated with grieving
end, people might feel like they should be "over it"
because everything seems to have gone back to normal.
When people who are grieving first go back to their
normal activities, it might be hard to put their
hearts into everyday things. Many people go back to
doing regular things after a few days or a week. But
although they may not talk about their loss as much,
the grieving process continues.

It's natural to continue to have feelings and
questions for a while after someone dies. It's also
natural to begin to feel somewhat better. A lot
depends on how your loss affects your life. It's OK to
feel grief for days, weeks, or even longer, depending
on how close you were to the person who died.

No matter how you choose to grieve, there's no one
right way to do it. The grieving process is a gradual
one that lasts longer for some people than others.
There may be times when you worry that you'll never
enjoy life the same way again, but this is a natural
reaction after a loss.
Caring for Yourself

The loss of someone close to you can be stressful. It
can help you to cope if you take care of yourself in
certain small but important ways. Here are some that
might help:

 * Remember that grief is a normal emotion. Know
that you can (and will) heal from your grief.
 * Participate in rituals. Memorial services,
funerals, and other traditions help people get through
the first few days and honor the person who died.
 * Be with others. Even informal gatherings of
family and friends bring a sense of support and help
people not to feel so isolated in the first days and
weeks of their grief.
 * Talk about it when you can. Some people find it
helpful to tell the story of their loss or talk about
their feelings. Sometimes a person doesn't feel like
talking, and that's OK, too. No one should feel
pressured to talk.
 * Express yourself. Even if you don't feel like
talking, find ways to express your emotions and
thoughts. Start writing in a journal about the
memories you have of the person you lost and how
you're feeling since the loss. Or write a song, poem,
or tribute about the person who died. You can do this
privately or share it with others.
 * Exercise. Exercise can help your mood. It may be
hard to get motivated, so modify your usual routine if
you need to.
 * Eat right. You may feel like skipping meals or
you may not feel hungry - but your body still needs
nutritious foods.
 * Join a support group. If you think you may be
interested in attending a support group, ask an adult
or school counselor about how to become involved. The
thing to remember is that you don't have to be alone
with your feelings or your pain.
 * Let your emotions be expressed and released.
Don't stop yourself from having a good cry if you feel
one coming on. Don't worry if listening to particular
songs or doing other activities is painful because it
brings back memories of the person that you lost; this
is common. After a while, it becomes less painful.
 * Create a memorial or tribute. Plant a tree or
garden, or memorialize the person in some fitting way,
such as running in a charity run or walk (a breast
cancer race, for example) in honor of the lost loved
one.

Getting Help for Intense Grief

If your grief isn't letting up for a while after the
death of your loved one, you may want to reach out for
help. If grief has turned into depression, it's very
important to tell someone. How do you know if your
grief has been going on too long? Here are some signs:

 * You've been grieving for 4 months or more and
you aren't feeling any better.
 * You feel depressed.
 * Your grief is so intense that you feel you can't
go on with your normal activities.
 * Your grief is affecting your ability to
concentrate, sleep, eat, or socialize as you normally
do.
 * You feel you can't go on living after the loss
or you think about suicide, dying, or hurting
yourself.

It's natural for loss to cause people to think about
death to some degree. But if a loss has caused you to
think about suicide or hurting yourself in some way,
or if you feel that you can't go on living after your
loss, it's important that you tell someone right away.

Counseling with a professional therapist can help
because it allows you to talk about your loss and
express strong feelings. Many counselors specialize in
working with teens who are struggling with loss and
depression. If you'd like to talk to a therapist and
you're not sure where to begin, ask an adult or school
counselor. Your doctor may also be able to recommend
someone.
Will I Ever Get Over This?

Well-meaning friends and family might tell a grieving
person they need to "move on" after a loss.
Unfortunately, that type of advice can sometimes make
people hesitate to talk about their loss, or make
people think they're grieving wrong or too long, or
that they're not normal. Every person takes his or her
own time to heal after a loss. The way someone grieves
a particular loss and the time it takes is very
individual.

It's important for grieving people to not drop out of
life, though. If you don't like the idea of moving on,
maybe the idea of "keeping on" seems like a better
fit. Sometimes it helps to remind yourself to just
keep on doing the best you can for now. If you feel
sad, let yourself have your feelings and try not to
run away from your emotions. But also keep on doing
things you normally would such as being with friends,
caring for your pet, working out, or doing your
schoolwork.

Going forward and healing from grief doesn't mean
forgetting about the person you lost. Getting back to
enjoying your life doesn't mean you no longer miss the
person. And how long it takes until you start to feel
better isn't a measure of how much you loved the
person. With time, the loving support of family and
friends, and your own positive actions, you can find
ways to cope with even the deepest loss.

Reviewed by: D'Arcy Lyness, PhD
Date reviewed: April 2004

Toys

2007-02-24T14:50:00.000-06:00

I am now convinced that I like buying the toys more than my son loves it. I was in the store called Famous Toys, and man did my eyes light up when I saw a couple things, and my son said that the toys I picked were not for me but for him...so I must have good taste eh!... I just love buying toys that have some interaction for me and my son to do together, whether it launches, we race stuff, or anything that he can interact with me...perhaps I am addicted, but it is alot of fun.

Commitment

2007-02-19T16:43:00.000-06:00

The "commitment level of a bad date," I said this to someone once. I am on the net to stay in touch with friends and give myself a venue to safely aleviate some stress, but there are some days like today when I run across some old connections and I know they are married and find out that they are running amuck here on the net...turns my stomach and I know I am sensitive because of what happened with me, but it really ruins the moment...in general I find that people are only sorry when they get caught and not sincerely sorry for what they have done or are doing, it does tend to make me sad, because I understand the greater dynamic where there children are suffering and it is the children's hearts that cannot be mended.

It does turn my stomach on this cyber world, and I wish that in general people were more loyal, faithful, and trustworthy...at least I wish I didn't have my own bubble burst so frequently and find out that people that I know are none of the above and instead are hurting their families...sorry, just a rant...not my business, just makes me sad for their families...

Reading but not learning

2007-02-19T11:13:00.000-06:00

Reading does not mean you have learned anything...its sad to say that even though some read something that should be life changing or something that could change a life or help one understand the REALITY of a situation, but the only thing absorbed is one or two sentences that still feed the problem...I know that I am guilty of the same thing at times, and I wish that I would have the ears to hear, the eyes to see, and the heart to understand instead of being stuck in the rut...cow path of what I want to perceive, instead of allowing my heart to change and move towards what needs to be...

Put a Dog in That Fight

2007-02-17T21:31:00.000-06:00

In the last little while, the phrase putting a dog in that fight has had some meaning for me...I used to think that I was good at choosing my battles, but I know that I am not right now...yet there are times when it is obvious when not to put a dog in that fight, and the fact that I don't need to put one in or that I don't have a dog to put in that fight...funny how some small phrase sticks to you, it has passed, but somehow I guess it broke the tension by coming up with some quip or some jargon or some saying that decreasing the increase in the tension that could be there...gotta love it, choose your battles wisely...don't put a dog in that fight...unless it is a fight that is worth its weight in love...sounds funny eh!...couldn't think of anything better to say...terrible...oh well...ta ta for now

Roadmap to True Change

2007-01-26T19:45:00.000-06:00

There are very definite beliefs about the totem pole, but if I look at just the process of the totem pole...to me it means identifying a road that needs to be taken for change, and every cut of the carvers hand is drawing the map of the direction and the steps on that road to change. My personal belief is in the cross, and verse that comes to mind is writing the word on the tables of your heart. If we spent time carving these words into our lives and fulfilling them in love in order to create REAL change then we would see an absolute change in our lives. I looked up the twelve steps and made a general copy of them here, but they contain a simple plan for change that anyone could make. I believe this because it goes beyond lip service and it requires the indivdual to go beyond an apology that can be easily spoken and forgotten in the next breath.

STEP ONE: Who's boss -- them or the action that is troubling your life? (The above qualification should pretty much answer the first half of the step)…That our lives had become unmanageable, not only the action that is troubling our life -- all phases of our existence were and are unmanageable. It stands to reason that if we can't manage our lives and we are acting in a manner that is not very sane (unmanageability is not sane living) then we have to take…

STEP TWO: Come to believe that a power GREATER than ourselves, something other than us can manage our lives. A power that can bring sanity back to the way we live. Who are we to believe that WE are the greatest? When we did Step 1, we admitted that we couldn't manage our own lives. When we took Step 2, we said that someone greater than us could manage us and restore us. We needed new to have a new manager, a living, loving God.

STEP THREE: We made the decision that we needed to come under new management since our own management got us nowhere. So we turn our wills and lives over to the care of our new manager -- Jesus. He will take care of us and manage our lives since we admitted in Step 1 that our lives were unmanageable, and in Step 2, that He could restore us to a manageable state and sanity. At this point get down on your knees… and say: "Lord, I ask that You guide and direct me, and that I have decided to turn my will and life over to You. To serve You and dedicate my life to You. I ask all this in the name of Jesus Christ. I thank you Lord; I believe that if I ask this in prayer, I shall receive what I have asked for. Thank you Jesus. Amen."

Now that I have gone under new management, I believe what it says in the Big Book at the end of the Steps in How It Works:
A: I have been acting in a way that has caused constant trouble in my life, and I could not manage my own life,
B: No human power could RELIEVE the troubles that I was causing in my own life,
C: GOD COULD AND WOULD IF HE WERE SOUGHT!!!!!
Then I have to take an inventory.

STEP FOUR: Take a searching and fearless moral inventory. I must find out what I've got, what I need to get rid of, and what I need to acquire. There are 20 character defects to ask about -- the individual wrongs are not necessary to go over, just the defects that caused them. Going over the questions, I must be honest and admit my defects to myself, to one other person, and to God (where two or more are gathered in His name, there shall He be.) By admitting, the person also takes.

STEP FIVE: The inventory is of our defects, not our incidents. Here are the defects:
1 Resentment, Anger
2 Fear, Cowardice
3 Self pity
4 Self justification
5 Self importance, Egotism
6 Self condemnation, Guilt
7 Lying, Evasiveness, Dishonesty
8 Impatience
9 Hate
10 False pride, Phoniness, Denial
11 Jealousy
12 Envy
13 Laziness
14 Procrastination
15 Insincerity
16 Negative Thinking
17 Immoral thinking
18 Perfectionism, Intolerance
19 Criticizing, Loose Talk, Gossip
20 Greed

Now that you've admitted these defects, ask, "Don't you want to get rid of them?" These same defects caused your life to be unmanageable. How can you ask God to get rid of the THINGS you did in your past? YOU CAN'T!! You can ask to get rid of the defects, which caused you to act in the manner you did by taking…

STEP SIX: You were ENTIRELY ready (not almost, not just about, not partially) to have God remove ALL (not some) of these defects. He cannot remove things that have already happened. You are ready to get rid of ALL of them, even the ones that are fun. REMEMBER, YOU TURNED YOUR WILL AND LIFE OVER TO GOD IN STEP THREE. Now comes…

STEP SEVEN: On your knees you ask that these defects be removed, these shortcomings listed in your inventory… "I humbly ask you oh Lord, to remove my shortcomings and forgive me, my sins and trespasses, and ask in all humility that you will remove my defects and shortcomings because I am one of your children and I truly believe. Thank you Jesus, Amen."

STEP EIGHT: You make a list of all persons you have harmed, starting with yourself, family, friends, employers, employees, etc. If the person was involved in the occult, God's forgiveness must be asked. We discuss briefly this list, and ask if they are willing to make restitution and amends. Then restitution is made to all as soon as possible, except in certain instances where it is turned over to God. They will have done STEP NINE: by making restitution. After doing these 9 steps, your slate is wiped clean. You are reborn as it says in the Big Book on page 63, "We were reborn." II Corinthians 5:17 says, "Therefore if any man is in Christ, he is a new creature: the old things are passed away; behold, all things are made new!

STEP TEN: We continued to take personal inventory every night: did you harm anyone, have you done something wrong? Do you deserve a gold star or a black mark? You ask forgiveness honestly, and all is forgiven by the Lord -- clean slate. When you are wrong, promptly admit it. When you don't, use the inventory at night to do so. Deal with your life by the four absolutes: ABSOLUTE LOVE, ABSOLUTE HONESTY, ABSOLUTE UNSELFISHNESS, and ABSOLUTE PURITY. Did you act out of Love? Were you honest? Were you unselfish? Were your motives pure? All things must be based on these four things…

STEP ELEVEN: Prayer is talking to God -- meditation is listening to Him. Pray, go to church, read the bible, read the Big Book. Get to know the Word of God so that you will understand it when you meditate. Thy will, not mine, be done!!!!

STEP TWELVE: A spiritual awakening is THE RESULT of working, doing, and LIVING, ALL of the 12 Steps! Then you have this message to carry to others. There is no message unless you have done the first 9 Steps and are living the last three. You can't give what you don't have. You must practice these principles in ALL your affairs.

Now it is your responsibility to give this message to others as you have received it. Not changed, watered down, or how others may want it in their lives. If they want what you have, they must do what you did. It is now your legacy to hand down, AS IT WAS GIVEN TO YOU -- NO OTHER WAY!!!!

There is no easier, softer way -- this is it. This is the PROGRAM OF RECOVERY

Don't trudge the Happy Road to Recovery; walk with your head high, knowing that through you, God will help others to RECOVER as you have. May God bless and be with you.

Currently: Reading, Watching and Listening to

2007-01-25T21:54:00.000-06:00

Teach Me How To Love You, Thomas Weeks III

What A Man Wants, What A Woman Needs, Eddie Long

Between Two Worlds, By ELIZABETH MARQUARDT...http://www.betweentwoworlds.org/

Watching DVDs, by TD Jakes: Night Seasons, Held By a Nail, and Fight for the Family, The Doubting Disciple

Listening to, by Dr. Juanita Bynum Weeks and Thomas Weeks III : Pride Is Just Too Expensive, and Pride Vs The Proverbs 31 Woman

Ex-Etiquette For Parents

Parents Are Forever,
(a step by step guide to becoming successful coparents after divorce) Shirley Thomas, Ph.D.

Choice Theory

The last three are not books I have delved into yet, but they seemed interesting and may have bits that are needful. A time to build a foundation that is not of sand and a building that is not made of glass.

Truth

2007-01-25T17:49:00.001-06:00

You can't convince a man of truth or reality who is drunk on his own decision ...the only truth that he is willing to see is the truth that he perceives.

http://www.betweentwoworlds.org/

Choice Theory

2007-01-07T17:46:00.001-06:00

Choice Theory- states that all we do is behave, that almost all behavior is chosen, and that we are driven by our genes to satisfy five basic needs: survival, love and belonging, power, freedom and fun. In practice, the most important need is love and belonging, as closeness and connectedness with the people we care about is a requisite for satisfying all of the needs. Choice Theory (and the Seven Caring Habits) is offered to replace external control psychology (and the Seven Deadly Habits), the present psychology of almost all the people in the world. Unfortunately, this forcing, punishing psychology is destructive to relationships. When used in a relationship it will always destroy the ability of one or both to find satisfaction in that relationship, and will result in people becoming disconnected from those with whom they want to be connected. Disconnectedness is the source of almost all human problems, such as what is called mental illness, drug addiction, violence, crime, school failure, spousal and child abuse, to mention a few.

Seven Caring Habits:

Supporting
Encouraging
Listening
Accepting
Trusting
Respecting
Negotiating differences

Seven Deadly Habits:

Criticizing
Blaming
Complaining
Nagging
Threatening
Punishing
Bribing or rewarding to control

The Ten Axioms of Choice Theory:

1. The only person whose behavior we can control is our own.
2. All we can give another person is information.
3. All long-lasting psychological problems are relationship problems.
4. The problem relationship is always part of our present life.
5. What happened in the past has everything to do with what we are today, but we can only satisfy our basic needs right now and plan to continue satisfying them in the future.
6. We can only satisfy our needs by satisfying the pictures in our Quality World.
7. All we do is behave.
8. All behavior is Total Behavior and is made up of four components: acting, thinking, feeling and physiology.
9. All Total Behavior is chosen, but we only have direct control over the acting and thinking components. We can only control our feeling and physiology indirectly through how we choose to act and think.
10. All Total Behavior is designated by verbs and named by the part that is the most recognizable.

Being able to Be in the Moment - Aging

2007-01-05T17:21:00.000-06:00

I was reading for one of my classes and I was reading an article about Death and Dying. It was an article that was assigned because of something that I had to respond to on the demographics of our aging society. The following statement was included in the article,

"The elderly have possiblities in the future, they have their realities in the past--the deeds done, the loved ones loved, and, last but not least, the sufferings they have gone through with courage and dignity. In a word, they have already brought in the harvest of their lives and now may, as it has been said in the Book of Job, come to their graves, "like a shock of corn cometh in his season. (Generations 15, 7-10 (Fall 1990) Viktor Frankl pg. 421-429)"

I also read another statement included that inferred that the length of life is not what is important, but "the richnesss of the respective life."

I like the first statement because to me it really supported my view of life...if I am able to look back at what I have gone through and know that I have done so with a sense of knowing that I was able to live a life that I can feel good about then I know that no matter how long I had or have it was all good. How many of us think about life from the view that we are not just getting old, we are not just losing time, but we are building something...but what have we built? Perhaps, that is the more serious thing to think about.

Amongst all of the readings another thought that came out was one that said if you live your life fully knowing that this is the best chance that you have with the choices that you make and take the time to "really" understand the magnitude and reality of what your choices will create then you will have a life will little regret. Regret comes from a person's choices that they did not fully appreciate before they made them and then when the fullness of what those choices gave birth to came to being or created was fully realized, regret was then born. The thought was by these thinkers and the advice of them were to "live knowing the full balance of your choice," and at that point fulling realizing what would be the outcome and you will be less likely to regret what happens.

It is true, and I see a lot of people caught up in despair and depression, because they refuse to count the cost as it were, and then they live a life that they really don't want.

It is hard sometimes to take the time to weigh and balance all of the costs, but it is easier when you are not the only one who will pay for your choices.

It was a good set of articles.

Learning

2007-01-02T15:47:00.000-06:00

I was thinking through some situations over the past few weeks, and the thought that came to me was, "sometimes the only way something is learned is through grief."

I know that is not the thing that anyone wants to hear, but through observing many situations over the last few months it just seems to be true.

Huge Arctic ice break discovered

2007-01-01T09:56:00.000-06:00

Arctic landscape, Canada (Image: Science Photo Library)
Ellesmere island is about 800km (500 miles) from the North Pole
Scientists have discovered that an enormous ice shelf broke off an island in the Canadian Arctic last year, in what could be sign of global warming.

It is said to be the largest break in 25 years, casting an ice floe with an area of 66 sq km (25 square miles).

It occurred in August 2005 but was only recently detected on satellite images.

The chunk of ice bigger than Manhattan could wreak havoc if it moves into oil drilling regions and shipping lanes next summer, scientists warned.

For something that large to move that quickly is quite amazing
Luke Copland, University of Ottawa

"The Arctic is all frozen up for the winter and it's stuck in the sea ice about 50km (30 miles) off the coast," said Luke Copland, an assistant professor at the University of Ottawa.

"The risk is that next summer, as that sea ice melts, this large ice island can then move itself around off the coast and one potential path for it is to make its way westward toward the Beaufort Sea where there is lots of oil and gas exploration, oil rigs and shipping."

'Quite amazing'

The ice break was initially undetected due to the remoteness of the northern coast of Ellesmere island, which is about 800km (500 miles) from the North Pole.

Satellite images showed the 15km (9mile) crack, then the ice floating about 1km (0.6 miles) from the coast within about an hour, said Mr Copland, a specialist in glaciers and ice masses.

"You could stand at one edge and not see the other side, and for something that large to move that quickly is quite amazing," he said.

Mr Copland said a combination of low accumulations of sea ice around the edges of the ice mass, as well as the Arctic's warmest temperatures on record, contributed to the break.

The region was 3C (5.4F) above average in the summer of 2005, he said.

Ice shelves in Canada's far north have shrunk by as much as 90% since 1906.

"It's hard to tie one event to climate change, but when you look at the longer-term trend, the bigger picture, we've lost a lot of ice shelves on northern Ellesmere in the past century.

"This is that continuing and this is the biggest one in the last 25 years," he said.

Accessed on the World Wide Web on January 1, 2007:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/6218333.stm?ls

Making the Grade...

2006-12-26T22:01:00.000-06:00

This has been a very hard semester in University, and I just received my last breath of air on December 22, 2006. I received one of the grades I had not gotten from my classes. I passed, and my lungs filled up and I felt a great weight lift from off of my shoulders. It has been a long few months and being able to get through my classes is something I can't explain to anyone, it is so relieving...it is truly by God's mercy that I have come this far...

Passing...

2006-12-22T23:43:00.000-06:00

I was on my way back from an out of town trip when I called a friend. The call was the delivery of bad news. A friend of mine in was pregnant with her third child, and she was in labor at twenty one weeks. The doctors told her and her husband that they would not do any life saving measures for babies unless they were twenty four weeks, because the baby will not have lungs developed enough to sustain life (in short that was part of what I was told and some of what I was told later).

Although, unexpectedly as I walked into the ward at the hospital I had a sudden rush of memories and feelings wash over me. Yet, I would not have been anywhere else at that moment. I did what I had learned to do which was to box up my reactions, and set them on the shelf and be where I knew I should be. It was unexpected, because I didn't expect to be washed through and through at that moment with old memories, perhaps it was the weariness I felt in my physical body that had me succumb to the feelings a bit. I don't know, but it was a trigger I didn't expect.

My friend and her husband, delivered a baby boy that same night not long after I left her side. My friend and her husband held and dressed their son and gave him a name. I got a call late the next night letting me know that they would be having a funeral and could I please come. It was one of the hardest funerals and experiences I have been through lately. I saw in the eyes of this father someone who was so in love with this baby even though he had never held it. At the graveside a broken heart inside this man who was asked to lower his child into the cold winter earth. My friend and her husband were grieving equally in their own ways, but this is the first time I have ever seen a man who was so deeply connected to his child and who was the kind of father that I have not seen in such a long time.

I have other family friends in B.C. that I would say are like this couple, but they are much older and have raised more than one generation. It was the first time that I had seen the heart of a man on this earth exhibit the very heart that I know that God has towards us in such deep tenderness. It is not a moment where you wish was connected to seeing something like that, because these things are devastating and no one should have to know this pain.

I stood by the grave with everyone else as my friend and her family, which were as many could come on such short notice. We were a small crowd, but there was many tears by everyone when my friend's husband lowered his own baby into the ground. God's heartbeat is inside this man, and I know that it will be shared with his children now and any that will come later. My friend and her family are a treasure, and even though they sorrow now they will be comforted by God and His angels through this tough time.

I am look at my son again today, and know that he is a miracle. All babies are miracles, and it is a treasure that God gives. I love my treasure, and I realize how much of a miracle of life he really is once again.

In Heaven with Jesus

2006-12-16T11:24:00.000-06:00

My son said the other day, "Kokum is in the hospital?" I said to him, quietly and as gently as I could, "Kokum is in Heaven with Jesus." He has repeated his question every day to me for the last 3-4 days and every time I tell him the same thing and then I ask him if he is ok, and he always answers me that he is. My mom was here with me until two weeks before she was gone, and I have changed her room into a partial play room for my son. He still says it is "Kokum's room." I know that the question is just a way of him checking out what things will be like, and now he asks to hear stories about Jesus. I know that he is wondering about Jesus, since I have told him that Kokum is with Jesus.

It comforts my son to know that Kokum is with someone that will take care of her. He asked a couple of times if Kokum was still not feeling better, and I told him Kokum is with Jesus and she is all better. He is looking for a way to know that his Kokum is ok. I know that and the first day he started to be very insistent about Kokum was hard, because up until then I have not allowed myself to feel very deeply yet. I can still feel myself holding back and not letting things get very far, but right now there is much to do...

We will go see my Uncle and Aunt over the holidays, and he has decided to call them Uncle Moshum and Auntie Kokum. I know that going forward that it is the way that he is dealing with things and I believe it is best, because at least he then sees that even though Kokum is not here and she is with Jesus that there are still those around us that can be a support regardless.

My angel, I think at the end of the day, his questions are helping me, and acknowleding what he needs helps reinforce it inside of me too.

Thank you God...

2006-12-15T22:08:00.000-06:00

David is learning to pray, I bought him a cartoon series where the kids pray throughout the life lessons taught. He has picked up the simple prayer that was incorporated in the cartoon. It is wonderful to have him want to start praying by using this prayer and then make it his very own.

Thank you God as this day end (or begins) for my family and my friends. Thank you...and then he personalizes the prayer, which sometimes I have to giggle, but then he gets after me (but he sounds soooooo sweet)...

My treasure, my son, my angel...

Engrafted Word

2006-12-11T00:22:00.000-06:00

I was watching a message today, and the preacher was talking about the engrafted word that is able to save your souls. He made the statement that in order for you to receive a graft you could not do the surgery yourself, and that it hurts and it itches as a sign of healing. The word must be engrafted by someone other than yourself, so it must be engrafted by God or by a man of God, and those that receive it must receive it through meekness. It is true, because you cannot receive it with an arrogant attitude, because there would be no way for you to effectively receive it if you did not fully believe (your body be able to accept the graft without rejecting it) if you did not believe that you needed it.

I was tempted to do an absolute quote from this sermon, perhaps when I have time I will. I have heard this before, but it made deeper sense this time and even more so than it ever has before.