I wish

Its been awhile
I can still hear your voice
I can still see your smile
I can still see your eyes
I wish you were here
I wish there was a way to see you
I wish there was a way to reach you
I wish
Now to let go
Now to let is rest
Now to relax
Now...

Forgotten words

I was checking through my e-mail and got some comments from this old blog I used to keep. It has been so long since I wrote anything on here. I am thinking I should use it as a way to push me to do some creative writing again. I had set that aside for awhile...and I know I need that part of me in order to offset the stress...so here is to new beginnings again...lol...not that anyone reads this anymore...but ya know...it will give me an excuse to write...

Operation

I had an operation this summer, and found out that my condition affects my ability to have children. It would seem that my son is a miracle. I have been told that they have corrected the problem. I saw many doctors and had many tests and finally gave up before. The common reaction was "take birth-control," from some specialists...that will fix things. I did not want the complications of taking medication that I felt would be useless. In the end, I had the operation and found out that the only thing that could have helped me was the operation.

It convinced me more and more that medication or chemicals get prescribed, and that there are probably many people who live with things that are never treated. I mean treatment that will really heal them, mis-diagnosed, and even medicine that is entirely unnecessary. The only thing that I could do was do what I was doing until they were willing to operate (4 years later). It was a long road, but I am glad its over now.

non typical

A non typical moment...

I was at a friends for a Birthday party...our children are playmates.
I helped with the occasion, and when all was said and done and there was myself her and another mom left I only lasted 20 minutes with the female chatter. I was tired...not sure why that I can't seem to keep up with it...anyway her husband was watching Iron Man and the kids were in the living room. I moved in there to join them and we ended up talking politics...lol...and then I relaxed...I must be odd...her friend got ready to go home and we were all together then...and I still ended up talking more politics...and now that I look back she ended up reading the flyers while we did...I tried to steer the convo back to something more inclusive...but at the end of the day it is so hard for me to do women's chatter...funny...at least I thought...good thing somehow we are still friends...I guess you like me or you don't...maybe children are a universal glue...lol

Silence

Sometimes its the silence that is the loudest answer...
I missed it once, perhaps this time I need to take it as part of the decision to come...
I am uncertain...

Celebrity Collage by MyHeritage

http://www.myheritage.com/collage

MyHeritage: Celebrity Collage - Familytree - Ancestors

A Different World

Its different, this generation seems to need something different than the one I grew up around. My families friends we might not see for ages, or seemingly lose touch, or just not talk on the phone unless it was to say Merry Christmas if even that. It was ok, and that is how I understood it, and you just took the time to catch up when you could, or when you were driving through have coffee, or if you were having a road trip then you tried to stop through for the night in order to spend some quality time looking at pictures and playing the remember when stories through and through. It was like an adventure and it was great...but somehow this generation is different, and they seem to want something different, and you owe someone something or losing touch was a crime. We need to enjoy the art of visiting again. I don't mind if you move away and then we catch up in small ways, it is like a new treasure chest of stories that gets to be opened up and that is wonderful to me.

Choices

Its been awhile since I saw your smile

Its been awhile since I heard you laugh

Its been awhile since I had more than a moment to listen to you

Its been awhile, and there is nothing better than listening,

laughing, enjoying

There is no "what ifs" there is no "I wonder" there is no

"should have"

There is I am glad that I was there, there is I know life

happens, there is sometimes that is just the way it is

The truth is, the only way for regret is if I choose not to live,

love, laugh and play

I choose to remember, I choose to keep the things that

felt so good a part of me, and I choose to care

Choices are not easy at times, but the only way to move

forward is to know where you have been and to know that

there is a path forward and to walk there

Its like the sunrise and sunset, at first you wait for

something to happen and enjoy the beauty as it fills the day

with strength and light

In the end you know that even when something ends there

is something beautiful there too

As something ends if we can find the sunset's beauty in it,

then it may be easier to find the next sunrise and the

strength in the light of another day

Choices, they are what changes the tide in our lives, but

How many of us realize the strength of them?

April 17-2008, Just A Memory

I saw the shadows in your eyes and thought about where they lead
I heard the gentleness in your voice and knew that there was more to you than the whispers I heard in my heart
I read the letters in your heart, and remember who you are
It was the color that life has cloaked you with that seems so vibrant to me
It is the shades that have helped carve into you that keep my dreams full of memories
At the brink of the dawn is where the songs seem to cradle my heart with yours
Its at the end of the sunset that the feeling that envelopes me is quiet words
Forgetting is not something so easy to do
How can one forget, How can one put away, moments that keep us connected and remind us we are only human

Knowing my place in the world

Lately, I have had the opportunity to think about how I fit, in the grand scheme of things once again.
The first thing that I realize is that I do know where I fit and know my place in the world
I do understand, what I do, and that I am here for a reason
I don't know where all the i's will be dotted or the t's will be crossed, but the one thing that I know is how I fit

I am often called a leader, but that is not what I do, I am the supporting structure if I can use that analogy

I look at things from a broad perspective and I help make the ends meet
My role is to help, and that is what I do best
I do many things that may look like I direct, but at the end of the day it is more of a place to help aid and guide making the ends meet

My place is behind the scenes, and my place is a place of support
I know this is where my greatest strength is and where I am able to do the most good

The hands to help, even though my hands are too small to do it all, they are just big enough to enlarge someone else's territory...as someone once put it

I don't mind what I do, and I really love to see others succeed

I know that along the way that gets muddied, but when the smoke clears as it were, the success that I see is the success that comes when all hands are working together for the good that is needed.

My hands are too small, and my back cannot carry the world, but in some small part, my place in this world is a joint, or a brace, or a support beam that is who I am...
I am "A Quiet Thunder"...which is funny, because my supervisor told me last week that I have alot of "Thunder", and I said that I don't have much, but he insisted I had alot...I whispered to his wife that my native name is "A Quiet Thunder," that made her laugh, and somehow your name is recognized even though it is never declared...

Yet, I know my place in this world, and it is as "A Quiet Thunder," because the quiet things that I do have affect that is heard by many...not as a leader, but ultimately as one who supports those who do lead...

True Dat

Such a common thing to hear...at least...as a comment made to me..."there was just never anyone like you." Its a compliment when it is said...but sometimes it is said in such an exact way that I wonder if the last one told the new one...lol...just jokes...but its so familiar...I guess I just don't see myself as that unique...cause aren't we all

Digital Camera

So, I have been waiting to buy a digital camera...because the quality of the pictures could not compare to the one that I have right now.

I broke down and bought my first one day, it is just a starter camera, and really it will help save a bit of money because David loves to take pictures, but sometimes I don't want a picture of his favorite cartoon that is playing on Treehouse...lol

So, ya know...just so I can keep encouraging his little creativity and save a bit on these pictures...I broke down and got my first one...yeah...anyway...not that exciting...but fun for me and my lil man...

Alcohol, Addictions and Etc...More than just challenges...need for action

Date Story Submitted: Thursday, January 31, 2008

Freezing death of two girls shines light on Sask. reserve in disarray

REGINA - The freezing deaths of two young girls has shone a harsh light on a "bankrupt" Saskatchewan reserve with a litany of social problems and a leadership at war with itself.

"I think we are going to need some help," Chief Robert Whitehead of the Yellow Quill First Nation said in a telephone interview Thursday. "The situation we are in, it's a sad situation."

As police continued to investigate the deaths of three-year-old Kaydance Pauchay and her one-year-old sister Santana in a snowy field early Tuesday morning, politicians, the community and its leaders were looking at the problems behind the tragedy.

The need for action was a common thread - what to do was more elusive.

Problems such as alcohol abuse, suicide, lack of housing and mould plague the community.

The band also has money troubles. In 1999 runaway deficits forced the federal government put the reserve under third-party management to maintain services for its residents. It's remained there since.

"Basically we are a bankrupt community," Whitehead said.

Adding to the issues is an internal power struggle between the chief and band councillors that both sides say is "toxic."

Whitehead said he was confronted Thursday by council members who are angry that the chief has been so publicly vocal about the reserve's problem in the wake of the girls' deaths.

"When you have an opposition in council, what they go around doing is, while I'm out there working trying to do this and trying to do that, trying to set something up for the people, my opposition has all the time in the world to be going around spreading gossip on the reserve," Whitehead said. "What do they have to hide?"

But band councillor Donna Poorman blames the chief for the problems, saying the situation has reach a point where the council isn't even meeting regularly anymore.

"He's just basically trying to run the reserve on his own forgetting about the rest of us leaders," Poorman said. "It's just not working."

Poorman said many of the problems on the reserve relate to drugs and alcohol and a cycle of abuse that stems from residential schools.

Faced with increasing suicide rates, the band recently tried to move ahead with a bylaw banning alcohol on the reserve, but the proper paperwork was never filed with the federal government.

Alcohol is said to be at the centre of this week's tragedy.

Police say they believe the girls' father, Christopher Pauchay, 25, left his home with the children in the wee hours of Tuesday morning when wind chills were in the -50C range.

He managed to make it to a neighbour's house suffering from frostbite and hypothermia. The two girls were found in the field wearing only T-shirts and diapers. Family members say Pauchay was drinking that night.

Whitehead said Thursday that he would still like to move ahead with the alcohol ban.

But federal Indian Affairs Minister Chuck Strahl expressed doubt that such a ban would solve all the problems.

"It's very complex. Sometimes these communities have a multitude of issues they're dealing with. So just passing a bylaw doesn't make the world all right," Strahl said.

"It's

On The Wagon

"On The Wagon," I was at work with all of my co-workers after a big meeting we had, I left before things got worse (most were getting pretty drunk). I noticed that a few took note of that when I left. I didn't think anything of it at the time. Today though, someone asked "How long have you been on the wagon?" of one of the ones who had been there that night, and then added that the other person I had noticed watch me that night also had been on the wagon since that night also. Sometimes I think drinking is more about peer pressure, than about wanting to drink. I feel good knowing that a small thing can help someone else have a little courage to do something too. It 's nice, and am glad that my decision to never drink can be a help instead of just something to get annoyed or upset about.

Some other things have happened too, some co-workers said that they have started to read Christian books and they had never done that before, and I can't and won't take credit for all of that, but I do know it is the same as the drinking, sometimes courage increases when you know you have support (others around who believe too).

It was nice to know...at a time when I feel so tired...been a busy time again...and some hard transitions for my son...still far from being over, and its not easy...a little light...but even a little light counts...

"Comfort, Memory Food!"

"Comfort, Memory Food" I think I have a new phrase "Comfort, Memory Food"...lol...this Christmas it has been over a year since my mom and my Kokum have passed away, and in the moments during this season my emotions were triggered by missing them, and the way that I chose to act out that missing them was wanting the food that they used to make for us on special occasions...my mom used to make tapioca when we were little and my Kokum used to make rice pudding...I know it may sound corny, but we all have our comfort food, but for a moment I indulged in the "Comfort, Memory Food," that they used to prepare for us...it makes for a nice warm memory and moment, if you allow it to...I know for some they indulge because they are hurting, but for me, it was just to remember the tender loving care that they used to take to make something that they used to take the time to make for us...

Anyway, Happy Holidays to everyone, and for the moments that you build with your children, remember that they really do count, and they come back for them in the future in ways that may feel very special.

"Comfort, Memory Food!"....mmm...lol...Yeah...I think I like that...

Time Has Wings...

Time is something that suddenly has wings the speed your life up with intensity
It is like a breath that suddenly goes by you, because you may feel it but you do not always see it pass by

I blinked and the weeks sped by and the moments pass too quickly

I look at my son and in the fall he will start Kindergarten...time has gone by too fast...my little boy is growing up sooooo, quickly...

I need a way to make time stand still, perhaps I will get an idea or two....lol

Be Right There...!

I woke up this morning watching the sunrise and waiting for the day once again The movements of the day were like waves of the sea, and sometimes they crashed over the memories and moments that have always been I laid down tonight watching the sunset wondering how long it will be until the waves of your life and mine will mark the same land again The days have come and gone and my mind moves on, but every once in a while I remember, and wonder where you have been

Friends are like waves of the sea that mark the shore of your life and when the sea rolls out of reach and the shore changes the land of your life changes I will be right here always, I will continue right here always, I will be your friend always, and I will remember always The treasure of the sea, the treasure of life, the treasure of tomorrow are friends who make there mark in your life, for a lifetime A lifetime of knowing, a lifetime of acknowledging, a lifetime of being a part of someone other than ourselves Its the small things that we do that mark the shores of others lives, its the simple things we do that writes on their hearts, and its the gentle moments that carry us through to another tomorrow. So, until the daybreak comes, until the sunset and the sunrise brings that day when the waves of our lives mark the same shore again...I will be right here...and remain your friend.

Safety

Its a funny thing...when the world gets hooked on something...(ie. a chat site, or etc.)...the tool becomes the one in control I think...there is a site that I sent a notice to people I know that has been verified as un secure and has had identity theft happen there...too high an incidence...I actually used the site, and felt uncomfortable myself...personal privacy...seemed non-existent...so I de-activated the account...and then found out how un secure it really was...but I found that some love the site, and insist that it is ok...but I guess that is what I have come to realize...that when the tool is in control it is hard to let go...I like my privacy though...so I will stick to what I feel good about.

Capable

What makes a person fully capable? Is it experience, past success, the confidence that comes with knowing that you will not be challenged while trying to make something work? Someone said they did not feel capable to me, and I suppose my experience has been that none of these are requirements...if you fail, and learn from the mistake, you are still capable...if you desire to make something work, but still do not do it perfectly...it does not mean you are not capable...the lack of doing is what makes someone without capacity...at times and at most people learn by doing...the reality is, that sometimes no matter how many times you do something you may never be the expert, but at least you know there is a good way to go about it...anyway...I don't feel very capable today, but I know I am willing, and for that I know I have ability and capacity to move forward...

Pictures

Well, I let my son take pictures, and he is pretty good for a four year old...LOL...anyway the pic of me here is one of his...he is doing good learning what the settings on a simple camera do...he loves it...especially when I develop his little adventure and he takes a look...maybe he will catch the photo bug too...what a little man

Awesome....!!!!

Well, I got a confirmation today that I have my tickets for convocation, things are definitely moving very quickly. I am gonna blink and the day will be here. I guess now I can take time to enjoy the moment...Wow!