Repatriation

My son is finally transferred to my Reserve and I feel such a big sigh of relief, it was such a long process. After such a long time of making it happen I finally got the final document today that it was absolutely official. It is an amazing feeling, and there are no words to describe.

The only word that came to mind was repatriation, and I didn't look it up to see what it means literally, but for whatever reason the word came to mind when all of this was finally over.

Anyway, there are other things to do yet, because we want to go and see my boyfriend down south and spend time with him in the fall, but for today, this at least feels like I can take a breath instead of holding it to get this done.

After The Rain

There is a song that goes talks about "After The Rain," that things will begin to begin again, heal, and be restored. It is the basis of the words, and today listening to the rain as it came down this morning felt so good, and walking outside and looking up at the sky was just like getting a hug from Heaven.

I have a wonderful friend in my life, and right now he is my best friend, and the more we talk and the more we support each other it is becoming so wonderful to know that there is someone that cares about me for who I am on the inside, and is supportive of how I honor God and lives life with the same commitment to God that I do.

It is like filling my lungs with clean air, and having the peace and strength to breath once again. It has been a stressful week and my friend is truly my best friend. Today, is a day I wish I could be off just to take some time...but perhaps I will sneak outside later on and enjoy the moment a bit more.

Feeling Safe

I thought that once you get divorced the court documents provide you with some level of comfort or safety.

I have found that they do not, and that it is only a nice agreement on paper that must be strongly defended.

It was a sense of safety and some sort of resolution and peace that I hoped having things legalized would bring, but it has not. I want to feel safe, but I don't...I want to just have the right to get through school and have agreements honored but it is not happening...I want too much I guess...I want to feel safe and know that I will not lose my son, but I don't know if that is something I can trust anymore either...here is where I am at a total loss and the only thing I have is to trust God that He will help...it is a hard thing to completely let go when things like my son are closest to my very being and I don't know whether I can ever feel safe even after it has been legally supported...

I am a good mother, I love my son, and I just want the right to feel safe again...

The Speed Trust - Installment #1 - Excerpts from Stephen M.R. Covey's book

Few things can help an individual more than to place responsibility on him, and to let him know that you trust him.

----Booker T. Washington

Trust is one of the most powerful forms of motivation and inspiration. People want to be trusted. In order to establish, extend, and restore trust---we first need to understand how trust works.

What is it in you that inspires the trust of others?

Trust can be thought of in terms of character----of being a good or sincere person or of having ethics or integrity. Character is absolutely foundational and essential. Trust is a function of two things: character and competence. Character includes your integrity, your motive, your intent with people. Competence includes you capabilities, your skills, your results, your track record. And both are vital.

The 5 Waves of Trust:

#1 – Self Trust: FOUNDATIONAL PRINCIPLE confidence in ourselves—in our ability to set and achieve goals, to keep commitments, to walk our talk—and also with our ability to inspire trust in others. The idea is to become, both to ourselves and to others, a person who is worthy of trust. The Key Principle is credibility, which comes from the Latin root credere, meaning “to believe.” See the “4 Cores of Credibility,” where we will look at ways to increase credibility in order to firmly establish trust with ourselves and with others. The end result of high character and high competence is credibility, judgment, and influence. The 4 Cores of Credibility are:

a. Person of Integrity—that you are honest and congruent (the same inside and out—seamless, listening to the quiet voice of conscience without extrinsic factors being needed to comply), and that you have a reputation for being truthful, that you have humility, and that you would not lie (leaving the right impression). Integrity includes:

i. Integrated-ness, which is walking your talk—being congruent inside and out---having the courage to act in accordance to values and beliefs

• “To me, integrity, the root word, really has to do with the whole man, with character, with completeness and goodness.I think of a man or woman of integrity as someone who is balanced and complete, with high character.A person of principle.”—Sachs

• Whoever is careless with the truth in small matters cannot be trusted with important matters. –Einstein
• What Ghandi thinks, what he feels, what he says, and what he does are all the same…Mahadev Desa

• In the metaphor of the tree integrity is the root, and is vital

<> ii. Humble people are more concerned about what is right than about being right, about acting on good ideas,
than having the ideas, about embracing new truth than defending outdated position, about building, about recognizing contribution. Humble people also know they do not stand alone. The opposite of humility is pride—putting ego first, above principles, above others.
<> iii. Courage to do the right thing—even when it is hard

• <>Courage is the first of the human qualities because it is a quality which guarantees all the others—Churchill

<>How to increase your integrity?—The Three “ACCELLERATORS”

1. <>Find out How much Integrity you really Have.

• Do I genuinely try to be honest in all my interactions with others?
  

• <>Do I typically “walk my talk?”

<>

• <>Am I clear on my values? Do I feel comfortable in standing up for them?

<>

• <>Am I open to the possibility o learning new truths that may cause me to rethink issues or even redefine my values?

<>

• <>Am I able to consistently make and keep commitments to myself?

<>
Then Make and Keep Commitments to Myself
<> <>
2. Stand for Something—Stand for the Right Things

• Be valued and principle based. Know what you stand for, and live by those standards.—Kodak

<>To Believe in Something and not to live it, is dishonest—Ghandi
3. Be Open

• Openness is vital to integrity (It takes humility and courage—humility to acknowledge that there are principles out there you may not currently be aware of, and courage to follow them once you discover them)

• Do I Believe that the way I see the world is totally accurate and complete—or am I honestly willing to listen to and consider new viewpoints and ideas?

• Do I seriously consider differing points of view, and am I willing to be influenced by them?

• Do I believe there may be principles that I have not yet discovered? Am I determined to live in harmony with them, even if it means developing new thinking patterns and habits?

• Do I value—am I involved in—continual learning?

To the degree which you remain open to new ideas, possibilities, and growth, you create a trust dividend; to the degree you do not, you create a trust tax that impacts both your current and future performance.

b. Good Intent—that you’re not trying to deceive, that you don’t have any hidden agenda that would taint good faith

Ø In law, a man is guilty when he violates the rights of another: In ethics, he is guilty if he only thinks of doing so.—Kant

<> i. Straightforward motives and based on mutual benefit---when we genuinely care not only for ourselves, but
also for the people we interact with (hidden agendas destroys this; integrity and intent are matters of character)

Ø Intent matters

• Ø It grows out of character
• Ø While we tend to judge ourselves by our intent, we tend to judge others by their behavior
• Ø We also tend to judge others’ intent based on our own paradigm and experience
• Ø Our perception of intent has a huge impact on trust
• Ø People often distrust us because of the conclusions they draw about what we do

• Ø It is important for us to actively influence the conclusions others draw by “declaring out intent.”

• Ø While our motives and agendas are deep inside in our own hearts and minds, they become visible to others through our behaviors and as we share them with others.

• Ø Intent is Vital to Trust

• Ø How often do I discount (or “tax”) what someone says because I am suspicious about that person’s intent?

• Ø What kind of tax are we all paying because of lack of trust?

• Ø What kind of tax am I paying because others question my intent?

• Ø What can I do to improve and better communicate my intent?

What is Intent?

• Ø “plan” or “purpose”

• o Motive – your reason for doing something (It is the “why” that motivates the “what”) The motive that inspires the greatest trust is genuine caring (trust comes from believing someone cares)

• o Agenda—grows out of motive. It is what you intend to do or promote because of your motive. The agenda that generally inspires the greatest trust is seeking mutual benefit—genuinely wanting what is best for everyone involved.

• o Behavior – the manifestation of motive and agenda. The behavior that best creates credibility and inspires trust is acting in the best interest of others. (It is easy to say I care and I want the best for you, but it is our actual behavior that demonstrates whether or not we mean it.)

How to Improve Intent?—3 ACCELERATORS TO Improve Intent:

• Ø Intent is a matter of the heart. It is something that you cannot fake—at least not for long. It can be worked on and improved.

• 1. Examine and Refine Your Motives (remove all rational lies, and get down to the deepest level to examine our own motives, and change what needs to be changed.) As these questions:

• Ø Interaction with a child: Are my actions motivated by genuine care and love? Am I really seeking the best interests of this child? Am I humble enough to admit if I am wrong? Or am I really trying to impose my will on this child?

• Ø Interaction with others: Am I sincerely listening to what the other person is saying? Am I genuinely open to the other person’s influence? Do I understand where the other person is coming from? Or am I focused on explaining my point of view, being right, or getting my way? Do I genuinely want what is best for us both? Do I really understand what constitutes a “win” for the other party? Have I clearly thought through and can I express what constitutes a “win” for me? Am I open to synergy and third alternatives? Or do I really want to “win,” regardless of what happens to the other party?

• 2. Declare Your Intent

• Ø Declaring your intent and expressing your agenda and motives can be very powerful, particularly if your behavior is being misinterpreted or misconstrued by others. It is also valuable as a means of establishing trust in new relationships.

• 3. Choose Abundance

• Ø Abundance means there is enough for everybody

• Other ACCELERATOR QUESTIONS: Examine your current thinking by asking:

• Ø When I am in the middle of a negotiation, do I really believe it’s possible to come up with a solution that will provide benefit for us both—or deep down, do I believe that the other person can gain benefit only at my expense?

• Ø Do I believe that if I love other people, my own supply of love will be replenished—or diminished?

• Ø Do I believe there is room for other people to see things differently than I do…and still be right?

• Ø Do I believe that, whatever my economic circumstances, I can share with and benefit others?

• c. Credentials are Excellent—that you do indeed have capability to do what you are called on to do

i. Ability to inspire confidence—talents, attitudes, skills, knowledge, and style (these are the means to produce results—branches of the tree that produce results)

• Ø Capable people are credible, and they inspire trust—no one can effectively be given a new level of responsibility if they are not capable (even if they are honest, caring and produce some results)

• Ø Need to be involved in constantly learning, growing, and developing new skills (the job does not end, and it will always require more and more of individuals)

• Examine by asking yourself these questions:

• Ø What capabilities do I have to make me credible and that inspire the trust and confidence in others?

• Ø What experience have I had (or not had) in developing capabilities that affects the confidence I have in myself?

• Ø What is my attitude and approach toward improving my current capabilities and gaining new ones?

TASKS:

One way to think about the various dimensions of capabilities is to use the acronym “TASKS.”

T alents – natural gifts

A ttitudes – our ways of seeing, as well as our ways of being

S kills – our proficiencies

K knowledge – learning, insight, understanding, and awareness

S tyle – unique approach and personality

Questions to consider:

• Ø What are my unique strengths or talents? How can I better maximize the talents I have?

• Ø What are my attitudes about life? About myself, my capabilities, and my opportunities to contribute? Are there more productive attitudes and paradigms I could embrace that would help me create better results?

• Ø What skills do I currently have? What skills will I need in the future that I do not currently have? To what degree am I involved in constantly upgrading my skills?

• Ø What areas of knowledge do I need to pursue?

• Ø How effective is my current style in approaching problems and opportunities and interacting with others? Does my approach facilitate or get in the way of accomplishing what needs to be done? What can I do to improve the way in which I go about doing things?

Matching T-A-S-K-S to TASKS:

The end in mind is to develop our TASKS and to match them to the tasks at hand—to create the best possible alignment between our natural gifts, our passions, our skills, knowledge, and style and the opportunity to contribute and make a difference.

On the individual level, the problem is that many people are not into the idea of continuous improvement.

• How to increase your Capabilities?

• 1. Run with Your Strengths (and with Your Purpose)

• Ø Simply identify your strengths (whether they be Talents, Attitudes, Skills, Knowledge, or Style), and then focus on engaging, developing, and leveraging what’s distinctly yours.

• 2. Keep Yourself Relevant

• Ø Be engaged in lifelong learning

• 3. Know Where You’re Going

• Ø The people you lead want to know where they’re going.—Motorola

Trust Abilities:

1. To assess what you can work on to create the most effective improvement in your trust abilities ask these questions:

• Ø To what degree do I have some degree of natural talent in the area of trust abilities? Do things such as integrity and good intent come naturally to me? Do I naturally ask for mutual benefit? Do I inherently know and do the things that inspire trust?

• Ø What are my attitudes in this area? Do I recognize and respect the need for trust? Do I approach issues and try to get things done in ways that build trust?

• Ø Do I have trust-building skills? Do I interact with others in ways that build trust?

• Ø What knowledge and understanding do I have about establishing, growing, and restoring trust?

• Ø Is my style of action and interaction one that inspires trust? Is my style one that extends trust to others?

• d. Good Track Record, that you have demonstrated you are capable and effective in other situations and in the past and that you produce good results, and that there is good reason that you will do so now

i. Track Record, our performance, our getting the right things done (if we don’t do what is agreed on/promised our reputation precedes us)

• Ø Results Matter! – They matter to your credibility. They matter to your ability to establish and maintain trust with others.

• Ø Results are the fruit of the tree. Results are the tangible, measurable end purpose and product of the roots, trunk, and branches. The tree needs to produce what it was intended to produce—TRUST.

• Ø Results help to cover shortcomings; it helps to minimize the small stuff. Yet, result will not offset integrity.

Results---Past, Present, and Future

• Ø Our credibility comes not only from our past results and our present results, but also from the degree of confidence other have in our ability to produce results in the future.

• Ø Bottom line, whether you are dealing with restoring trust or establishing it in the first place, it is results that will convert the cynics.

• Ø The Track record goes to the degree of confidence and the degree of trust that will be extended. Track Record will project past performance on future results.

• “WHAT” and “HOW”:

• Ø What results am I getting?

• Ø How am I getting those results? (The how can generate huge roadblocks to future results—or it can grease the skids)

• Ø It is easier to get results the next time around if people trust you…if they know you’re going to give credit, to seek mutual benefit, to not place blame. They will want to engage with you, to give you information, to help you because you’ve become credible with them. They trust that you will go for results in a way that will benefit everyone involved.

• Defining RESULTS:

• Ø Bottom line and the connection between results and credibility

• Ø Sometimes results must be defined in a different way, because results are simply not in your control—

• Questions to ask:

• 1. I failed at a relationship/objective/etc.. But what is the result? What have I learned? Did I do my best? Am I modeling the kind of behavior I want for my children to see?

• 2. I had a disaster. But what new opportunities do I have as a result? Is there a better way to do things? What strengths do I have to help me rebuild?

• Communicating Results:

• Ø It is important to be able to appropriately communicate results to others

• How to improve your RESULTS:

• Three ACCELERATORS To Improve Results –

• Ø Take Responsibility for Results

• Ø Expect to Win – There is power in expectation

• Ø Finish Strong

The first wave of trust—Self Trust—is all about credibility. It is all about developing the integrity, intent, capabilities, and results that make you believable, both to yourself and to others.

1) Do I trust myself?

2) Am I someone others can trust?

Self Trust -- What is the net result of repeated failure to make and keep commitments to ourselves? It hacks away at our self-confidence. Not only do we lose trust in our ability to make and keep commitments, we fail to project the personal strength of character that inspires trust.

Inspiring Trust – It is the little things that count, that show people who you are, so that you inspire trust in them.

The only way to build trust is to be trustworthy.

See Questionnaire: Page 50-53

I wish I could

I wish there was a way that I could protect my son from the pain of being in the middle of a divorced family...at the times I think he is alright...he says small things and I can see how much it hurts him, especially when his dad cancels his visit...I try to distract my son and I never tell him that his dad has cancelled, but the time between visits is something that I cannot hide...it hurts my heart to see him and hear him when he asks me...it is the times that I can't take away the hurt...I can only distract him from it...I can't fix it...I can only redirect him from it, and try to make a better memory...I wish above all else that I could save him from the pain...but I cannot...

Travelling

My son and I went on two trips this week...one for my work and one for the holiday to see family...I know on the whole he does not mind, but on the other hand my son loves home the best...don't we all...there is something about your own space, and your own bed, and your own things to be comfortable around...I get an itch to fly every once in awhile, but for now, today...home is best...

My son's stories

Well, I got tired of waiting for the artwork to get started for my son's book that I wrote for him...so I made a trip to the craft store and bought scrapbook paper, stickers, and glue...it is amazing what they are making these days...I know it is not as good as a professionally done piece of art, but my son doesn't know the difference and at this point at least he will get to see what I mean in the words that I wrote in his story.

It can be very captivating to do something like this, and I started one of the pages and didn't even see the time fly by...two hours or more just vanished. It is well worth the effort, because my son loves being a part of everthing...

Teaching my son to tell story

My son and I tell story every night, or whenever we are just spending some time together. He says, "tell me story about..." He usually picks an animal and adds a little boy and his mommy or some other combination in there somehow.

It is a good exercise for me, because it helps me to realize that if I lay there and concentrate enough then I can tell quite the elaborate story for my son. Other times we are just silly and I just keep asking him, then what, and he adds a little blurb enough for me to start another little chapter in the story that he wants me to tell.

We went to the craft store and I bought these foam pieces that were cut into spaceship stuff and they have a sticky back to them and I also bought some sheets of foam to stick them to. My son and I just sat there and for a good couple of hours I let him pick pieces and stick them to the pages while he created his own story. It is something that takes quite a bit of time, because we really only did 5 pages, but to my son it meant the world, because it was a story that he made.

I realize afterward too, that since they are not pages bound together that he and I can tell endless different stories with the pages that he made...it is the simple things that win the heart of your child and it is the peaceful things that help to shape their character in the most tender way.

Ritual for Motivation

We all have our own ways of motivating ourselves I think especially with the things that we don't like to do. Cleaning is not a hobby that I have ever been in love with although I don't hate it either. I suppose the thing is that it is just very time consuming at a point in my life when I budget my time for everything.

So, I start doing things that will get me going, like I will do the dishes, then start the laundry, then move on to sweeping the floors, then mopping and as I get that done then I get near the bathroom and scrub every inch...don't get me wrong I am not a cleaning Nazi or anything...I just have a pattern and there are some things that just must be done and every inch must be gotten too.

Dusting, is another thing, I don't do that religiously, as it is one thing that doesn't catch my eye until I see a dust bunny somewhere I would rather not have seen it.

My one pet peeve is flyers and junk mail, I am totally obsessed with dumping them in the garbage faster than anyone can catch the darn things in the house. I find that the less I keep them around the slower dust builds up. My personal desk space could use an overhaul, but that gets cleaned out every couple of months from old research material and other odds and ends that end up on it because of school.

I probably don't even do as much as other people do to clean my home, because I don't remember the last time I actually polished my furniture (you see it is oak, and what a shame I have not pulled it apart to take some oak polish to it). It must be having the three year old, but really he is not bad. It is really a struggle when my relatives come over and they seem to bring a whirlwind inside my home, and then I spend some good times starting over again. Gotta love company though, and with that comes the whole shabang all over again.

I don't mind I have my rituals, where I do certain things during the week and then catch up on the rest on the weekend. I don't know why I even thought about it today, but for a second I thought about the ritual I have to get me started...

I suppose it is because I do other things also, just to change the tide if something unfavorable happens, and had analyzed that today too, funny eh? One thing got me analyzing some other thing...