Good Faith

Its funny how people are...I warned someone that I could not deal with the things that they were wanting me to deal with right now...I have too many things to sort out emotionally (some grief, some commitments, other things are just pressures from school to be done my classes this term, along with a whole pile of other issues).

It fell on deaf ears, and it ended badly...as I knew it would...because the agenda that was presented and the reasons for the agenda were not honest, there was a hidden agenda, and that is unfortunate.

It is irrelavant now though, and the reality is that simple conversations escalated and went from bad to worse. I just don't have any more emotionally to try to make it better right now.

I suppose me knowing that doesn't matter at all, and at least for now things have stopped. I just wanted rest for awhile, and now perhaps even if it was in a bad way, I will have a rest until June. It was not the way I had originally asked for the rest, but life goes on, and we just survive the bruises it gives.

Being understood to me means that if I ask for space to grieve and I explain in a meaningful way why then the actions should follow that I am understood. Perhaps I have the wrong understanding of being understood.

It is funny I work with many groups of people and we negotiate terms and conditions all the time in order to come to an agreement to act in good faith, and this all felt like it was just the opposite of good faith.

If the parties agree, and the agreements are constantly broken or challenged or threatened then that is not deemed good faith. It does not matter how many smiles people come to the table with or how many compliments are shared, if the action does not follow suit with what was promised or agreed to then that is seen as bad faith. We never approach a group of people by stating in writing that we make a commitment to act properly and respectfully and that we will hold up our part of the bargain, and then months later break our word as it suits us or as we see it needs to suit us to break the bargain because now we feel like it is no longer convenient for us anymore. The changing of agreements is done mutually and with all of the information necessary, and good faith stands when things are done up front. We do not inform each other that it is inconvenient for us to act in good faith anymore, therefore we will not be acting in good faith. What a destroying thing that would be if we came to the table and that was the kind of people we really were "all talk, but broke our agreements when it is convenient for us to do so."

My son is the most important part of my life, and it hurts intensely when things like this keep happening on top of what I am already sorting through emotionally.

I talked to my counsellor about it, and he said that I need to be careful not to consume me, and this is my way of shelving it. It is hard, but that is what I do on a routine basis right now, I tend to shelve things because I don't have the emotional space to work things out. I just don't want all of the boxes to fall on me. I want to be able to get through them and leave them behind one by one instead once and for all. Maybe someday, perhaps, maybe...

Anyway, back to trying to read at least a few pages a night on "The Speed of Trust"...

I just got a call from someone who was close to my mom, and we get calls quite often where people will mention her, but there are those significant calls where people were really close to her.

We just talked a little about her and cried, because we miss my mom so much...it helps to get through these times to be able to talk with those that loved her that much and just cry a bit...I loved my mom...she went through so much in her life, and never lost her smile...she was not one for many words, but the times she shared she was able to help those that were hurting...my mom and her mom (my grandma) were very alike...they went through times of extreme hardship and never broke and never lost their quiet ways or their smiles...I remember my grandmother sharing with me things that she says that she never told anyone else...I wish I was as strong as both of them...I miss them so much...I can't even put into words how this feels, I wanted to take time to remember them and not have to worry about other things as much, I have to concentrate on school, my job, and my son, but I wanted to be relieved of the other demands so that I could have the time to remember...

I thought that wasn't too much to ask...it apparently was...life will go on, and maybe someday I will have mercy to do just that have time to take time to remember...