No Formula to Grief

Even though I found this article on grieving even I
know there is no real formula to grief One goes
through certain stages in grief, but there is no
cut and dry you will go through phase one for a
week and then phase two for two weeks and phase
three for another week.

It is just not the reality of grieving, but
losing in four areas in the last year and a
half really brings this back to me again, as
I was faced with a request from someone
when I had asked for space to grieve, but
did not get that space.

I thought in that I would have been
granted at least a four month reprieve
from having to deal with anything that
needed any extreme attention, but
I guess that is not going to happen.

Anyway, here is the article, and here
I am wishing I could have a reprieve, but
somehow knowing that
it really won't be a reality...

I needed the emotional space, and thought
that is was not too much to ask...its
too bad that going through a divorce, losing
my mother, grandmother (mother's mom)
and my adopted grandmother and having my
mom's father in the hospital is
not enough for this person to allow
me space to grieve.

It made me sadder today, I wonder when
I will deserve mercy to grieve for
my loved ones...I suppose there are those
 that don't get that mercy either,
I just wished I had that mercy...maybe
someone still believes deeply that it
it is not that person's family so it
is not that person's problem...

If someone close to you has died, you may be feeling
many different emotions. You may be sad, worried, or
scared. You might be shocked, unprepared, or confused.
You might be feeling angry, cheated, relieved, guilty,
exhausted, or just plain empty. Your emotions might be
stronger or deeper than usual or mixed together in
ways you've never experienced before.

You might also notice that your loss is affecting what
you're thinking about and how you behave. If you're
grieving, you might be having trouble concentrating,
sleeping, eating, or feeling interested in the things
you usually enjoy. You might be trying to act like you
feel OK (even if you don't) because you want to be
strong for someone else. And you may wonder if you
will ever get over losing someone who means so much to
you.

All of these emotions can be natural reactions to the
death of someone close. They're part of the process of
grieving.
What Is Grief?

Grief is the emotion people feel when they experience
a loss. There are many different types of loss, and
not all of them are related to death. A person can
also grieve over the breakup of an intimate
relationship or after a parent moves away from home.

Grief is a natural reaction to the loss of someone
important to you. Grief is also the name for the
healing process that a person goes through after
someone close has died. The grieving process takes
time, and the healing usually happens gradually.

Although everyone experiences grief when they lose
someone, grieving affects people in different ways.
How it affects you partly depends on your situation
and relationship with the person who died.

The circumstances under which a person dies can
influence grief feelings. For example, if someone has
been sick for a long time or is very old, you may have
expected that person's death. Although it doesn't
necessarily make it any easier to accept (and the
feelings of grief will still be there), some people
find that knowing someone is going to die gives them
time to prepare. And if a loved one suffered a lot
before dying, a person might even feel a sense of
relief when the death occurs. If the person who has
died is very young, though, you may feel a sense of
how terribly unfair it seems.

Losing someone suddenly can be extremely traumatic,
though, no matter how old that person is. Maybe
someone you know died unexpectedly - as a result of
violence or a car accident, for example. It can take
a long time to overcome a sudden loss because you may
feel caught off guard by the event and the intense
feelings that are associated with it.

Losing someone because he or she committed suicide can
be especially difficult to deal with. People who lose
friends or family members to suicide may feel intense
despair and sadness because they feel unable to
understand what could have led to such an extreme
action. They may even feel angry at the person - a
completely normal emotion. Or they could feel guilty
and wonder if there was something they might have done
to prevent the suicide. Sometimes, after a traumatic
loss, a person can become depressed and may need extra
help to heal.

If you've lost someone in your immediate family, such
as a parent, brother, or sister, you may feel cheated
out of time you wanted to have with that person. It
can also feel hard to express your own grief when
other family members are grieving, too. Some people
may hold back their own grief or avoid talking about
the person who died because they worry that it may
make a parent or other family member sad.

Grief can cause some people to feel guilty for no
reason. Depending on the circumstances, some people
might wonder if something they did - or didn't do -
caused the person's death. Others might think if only
they had been better people that their loved ones
might not have died. These things aren't true, of
course - but sometimes feelings and ideas like this
are just a way of trying to make sense of something
that's difficult to understand.

All of these feelings and reactions are OK - but what
can people do to get through them? How long does grief
last? Will things ever get back to normal? And how
will you go on without the person who has died?
Coping With Grief

The grieving process is very personal and individual -
each person goes through his or her grief differently.
Some people reach out for support from others and find
comfort in good memories. Others become very busy to
take their minds off the loss. Some people become
depressed and withdraw from their peers or go out of
the way to avoid the places or situations that remind
them of the person who has died. Just as people feel
grief in many different ways, they handle it
differently, too.

For some people, it may help to talk about the loss
with others. Some do this naturally and easily with
friends and family, others talk to a professional
therapist. Some people may not feel like talking about
it much at all because it's hard to find the words to
express such deep and personal emotion or they wonder
whether talking will make them feel the hurt more.
This is fine, as long you find other ways to deal with
your pain.

A few people may act out their sorrow by engaging in
dangerous or self-destructive activities. Doing things
like drinking, drugs, or cutting yourself to escape
from the reality of a loss may seem to numb the pain,
but the feeling is only temporary. The person isn't
really dealing with the pain, only masking it, which
makes all those feelings build up inside and only
prolongs the grief.

If your pain just seems to get worse, or if you feel
like hurting yourself or have suicidal thoughts, tell
someone you trust about how you feel.
What to Expect

It may feel impossible to recover after losing someone
you love. But grief does get gradually better and
become less intense as time goes by. To help get you
through the pain, it can help to know some of the
things you might expect during the grieving process.

The first few days after someone dies can be intense,
with people expressing strong emotions, perhaps crying
and comforting each other, and gathering to express
their support and condolences to the ones most
affected by the loss.

Family and friends often participate in rituals that
may be part of their religious, cultural, community,
or family traditions - such as memorial services,
wakes, or funerals. These activities can help people
get through the first days after a death and honor the
person who died. People might spend time together
talking and sharing memories about the person who
died. This may continue for days or weeks following
the loss as friends and family bring food, send cards,
or stop by to visit.

Many times, people show their emotions during this
time. But sometimes a person can be so surprised or
overwhelmed by the death that he or she doesn't show
any emotion right away - even though the loss is very
hard. For example, Joey's friends expected he'd be
really upset at his mom's funeral, so they were
surprised that he was smiling and talking with people
as if nothing had happened. When they asked him about
it, Joey said that seeing his friends at the funeral
cheered him up because it reminded him that some
things would still be the same. Joey was able to cry
and talk about how he felt when he was alone with his
dad after the funeral.

Sometimes, when the rituals associated with grieving
end, people might feel like they should be "over it"
because everything seems to have gone back to normal.
When people who are grieving first go back to their
normal activities, it might be hard to put their
hearts into everyday things. Many people go back to
doing regular things after a few days or a week. But
although they may not talk about their loss as much,
the grieving process continues.

It's natural to continue to have feelings and
questions for a while after someone dies. It's also
natural to begin to feel somewhat better. A lot
depends on how your loss affects your life. It's OK to
feel grief for days, weeks, or even longer, depending
on how close you were to the person who died.

No matter how you choose to grieve, there's no one
right way to do it. The grieving process is a gradual
one that lasts longer for some people than others.
There may be times when you worry that you'll never
enjoy life the same way again, but this is a natural
reaction after a loss.
Caring for Yourself

The loss of someone close to you can be stressful. It
can help you to cope if you take care of yourself in
certain small but important ways. Here are some that
might help:

 * Remember that grief is a normal emotion. Know
that you can (and will) heal from your grief.
 * Participate in rituals. Memorial services,
funerals, and other traditions help people get through
the first few days and honor the person who died.
 * Be with others. Even informal gatherings of
family and friends bring a sense of support and help
people not to feel so isolated in the first days and
weeks of their grief.
 * Talk about it when you can. Some people find it
helpful to tell the story of their loss or talk about
their feelings. Sometimes a person doesn't feel like
talking, and that's OK, too. No one should feel
pressured to talk.
 * Express yourself. Even if you don't feel like
talking, find ways to express your emotions and
thoughts. Start writing in a journal about the
memories you have of the person you lost and how
you're feeling since the loss. Or write a song, poem,
or tribute about the person who died. You can do this
privately or share it with others.
 * Exercise. Exercise can help your mood. It may be
hard to get motivated, so modify your usual routine if
you need to.
 * Eat right. You may feel like skipping meals or
you may not feel hungry - but your body still needs
nutritious foods.
 * Join a support group. If you think you may be
interested in attending a support group, ask an adult
or school counselor about how to become involved. The
thing to remember is that you don't have to be alone
with your feelings or your pain.
 * Let your emotions be expressed and released.
Don't stop yourself from having a good cry if you feel
one coming on. Don't worry if listening to particular
songs or doing other activities is painful because it
brings back memories of the person that you lost; this
is common. After a while, it becomes less painful.
 * Create a memorial or tribute. Plant a tree or
garden, or memorialize the person in some fitting way,
such as running in a charity run or walk (a breast
cancer race, for example) in honor of the lost loved
one.

Getting Help for Intense Grief

If your grief isn't letting up for a while after the
death of your loved one, you may want to reach out for
help. If grief has turned into depression, it's very
important to tell someone. How do you know if your
grief has been going on too long? Here are some signs:

 * You've been grieving for 4 months or more and
you aren't feeling any better.
 * You feel depressed.
 * Your grief is so intense that you feel you can't
go on with your normal activities.
 * Your grief is affecting your ability to
concentrate, sleep, eat, or socialize as you normally
do.
 * You feel you can't go on living after the loss
or you think about suicide, dying, or hurting
yourself.

It's natural for loss to cause people to think about
death to some degree. But if a loss has caused you to
think about suicide or hurting yourself in some way,
or if you feel that you can't go on living after your
loss, it's important that you tell someone right away.

Counseling with a professional therapist can help
because it allows you to talk about your loss and
express strong feelings. Many counselors specialize in
working with teens who are struggling with loss and
depression. If you'd like to talk to a therapist and
you're not sure where to begin, ask an adult or school
counselor. Your doctor may also be able to recommend
someone.
Will I Ever Get Over This?

Well-meaning friends and family might tell a grieving
person they need to "move on" after a loss.
Unfortunately, that type of advice can sometimes make
people hesitate to talk about their loss, or make
people think they're grieving wrong or too long, or
that they're not normal. Every person takes his or her
own time to heal after a loss. The way someone grieves
a particular loss and the time it takes is very
individual.

It's important for grieving people to not drop out of
life, though. If you don't like the idea of moving on,
maybe the idea of "keeping on" seems like a better
fit. Sometimes it helps to remind yourself to just
keep on doing the best you can for now. If you feel
sad, let yourself have your feelings and try not to
run away from your emotions. But also keep on doing
things you normally would such as being with friends,
caring for your pet, working out, or doing your
schoolwork.

Going forward and healing from grief doesn't mean
forgetting about the person you lost. Getting back to
enjoying your life doesn't mean you no longer miss the
person. And how long it takes until you start to feel
better isn't a measure of how much you loved the
person. With time, the loving support of family and
friends, and your own positive actions, you can find
ways to cope with even the deepest loss.

Reviewed by: D'Arcy Lyness, PhD
Date reviewed: April 2004