Save the Drama

Now, there is some things you just can't avoid, but I had a phone call a couple nights ago, and by the end of the call I said it on the phone and I also said it to a very close friend of mine that I don't need the drama.

If I had been at another point in my life, perhaps I would have wanted to try to see what I needed to do. At the end of the day right now though I am simply just walking away. It has been a very long two years, and I just don't have any more to feed into these kinds of things any more.

I would have to be honest and say that I cried, and wished that people would just learn to be honest and honorable instead of trying to save themselves and lie. A lie only brings destroying things into you life, and it will eventually surface as to what the truth was. Simply put, just tell the truth and you will get what you give in life.

There is nothing left for me to do...and I suppose if I hadn't been through so much I might try and help more, but perhaps this is destiny to happen at this exact moment, just so I won't.

I feel good today, I was a bit rocky yesterday morning, but I worked through it, because I had just gotten two phones calls of drama the night before (not as bad as I have expienced before, so it was really low key...if you compare it to what it could have been - thankfully, we were just two adults who realized we both needed to understand), but at the end of the day...life goes on.

Destiny of a Child

My son picks up on everything around him, and he copies most everything. He copies the words people use, and the way people do things, and he does much of this copying from me as his parent. He picks up when something upsets me too, and he talks like that to try to get my attention or he tells me to talk nicely.

Children pick up everything, and I am always reminded that in order to change the destiny of my son I have to change the reality and the inputs whether verbal, emotional, or physical that I am giving to my son. His legacy will only change with my commitment to give him a solid imprint from me. If I want a different outcome for him as a legacy then I have to be better for him to learn from.

I can't be perfect, and he will see me be human, but the best things that I can do is to teach him to talk in a way that respects everyone, to treat others in a respectful way (remembering that he needs to treat people how he would also like to be treated), and to remember God is with him and knows all he does, and to honor him with everything that he does.

Life has no perfect mold, but the reality is if we don't make a conscious effort to change the inputs that gave us a legacy that caused pain, then we won't get a different reality. I require something different, because I want a different result. It is said that to do that same thing over and over again and expect a different result is insanity. It is true, and I am trying to do things differently to get a different result.

I can't do it all, but my effort is conscious.

Reality, Truth, Love, Trust and Honor...words that are easily said, but not always easily taught...everyday, little by little, and one small lesson at a time...that is how I see sowing into the life of children.

Some people believe it doesn't matter what you invest into children, because they will turn out the way they will turn out. The truth is that TRUE Character can be instilled, and once it is settled in someone it is hard to change the tide. None of us know the complete reality of who our children are, and if we add a bit of nonesense, and a bit of addiction, and a bit of this old habit, or this bad habit, and say that in the end it will do no harm...but how then do you paint the picture of your child's life. We can't all be perfect, but a conscious effort will be seen by our children and they will try to genuinely be caring people with good character.

It is a gift to raise a child to be a person who inspires trust, and who is seen as a person of character, and a person who genuinely does their best to take care of the responsibilities that they have. If we do all we can then we have given our child a true gift, because at the end of the day it will bring them success, honor, and a life of caring that will surround them. It is what I wish for my son, from a mother's heart. It is what I truly want for my son.

Easter Eggs

What I learned Today?

Today I learned about Easter Eggs

And about a story that is very true

At Easter time I run and play to find Easter Eggs

But I know they mean much more

Did you know? That the Easter eggs mean new life

I spend time decorating them to make them sparkle bright

I make them look special

To take time to remember

Jesus and the gift of life He gave

So, 12 days before Easter, each day is special

Because, each day holds a story of Jesus Love

About the Easter Blessing

And the Gift of new life that Jesus Gave

So, with each day

So, with each story

So, with each egg I make

I remember, the special gift of new life

So, remember that Easter means new life

Just like an egg holds life

New life sparkles just like my Easter Eggs

New life, love, and forgiveness – that is What Easter is

Written for my son who is learning more and more every day about Jesus, and what He means…A Mother (March 19, 2007)

Good Faith

Its funny how people are...I warned someone that I could not deal with the things that they were wanting me to deal with right now...I have too many things to sort out emotionally (some grief, some commitments, other things are just pressures from school to be done my classes this term, along with a whole pile of other issues).

It fell on deaf ears, and it ended badly...as I knew it would...because the agenda that was presented and the reasons for the agenda were not honest, there was a hidden agenda, and that is unfortunate.

It is irrelavant now though, and the reality is that simple conversations escalated and went from bad to worse. I just don't have any more emotionally to try to make it better right now.

I suppose me knowing that doesn't matter at all, and at least for now things have stopped. I just wanted rest for awhile, and now perhaps even if it was in a bad way, I will have a rest until June. It was not the way I had originally asked for the rest, but life goes on, and we just survive the bruises it gives.

Being understood to me means that if I ask for space to grieve and I explain in a meaningful way why then the actions should follow that I am understood. Perhaps I have the wrong understanding of being understood.

It is funny I work with many groups of people and we negotiate terms and conditions all the time in order to come to an agreement to act in good faith, and this all felt like it was just the opposite of good faith.

If the parties agree, and the agreements are constantly broken or challenged or threatened then that is not deemed good faith. It does not matter how many smiles people come to the table with or how many compliments are shared, if the action does not follow suit with what was promised or agreed to then that is seen as bad faith. We never approach a group of people by stating in writing that we make a commitment to act properly and respectfully and that we will hold up our part of the bargain, and then months later break our word as it suits us or as we see it needs to suit us to break the bargain because now we feel like it is no longer convenient for us anymore. The changing of agreements is done mutually and with all of the information necessary, and good faith stands when things are done up front. We do not inform each other that it is inconvenient for us to act in good faith anymore, therefore we will not be acting in good faith. What a destroying thing that would be if we came to the table and that was the kind of people we really were "all talk, but broke our agreements when it is convenient for us to do so."

My son is the most important part of my life, and it hurts intensely when things like this keep happening on top of what I am already sorting through emotionally.

I talked to my counsellor about it, and he said that I need to be careful not to consume me, and this is my way of shelving it. It is hard, but that is what I do on a routine basis right now, I tend to shelve things because I don't have the emotional space to work things out. I just don't want all of the boxes to fall on me. I want to be able to get through them and leave them behind one by one instead once and for all. Maybe someday, perhaps, maybe...

Anyway, back to trying to read at least a few pages a night on "The Speed of Trust"...

I just got a call from someone who was close to my mom, and we get calls quite often where people will mention her, but there are those significant calls where people were really close to her.

We just talked a little about her and cried, because we miss my mom so much...it helps to get through these times to be able to talk with those that loved her that much and just cry a bit...I loved my mom...she went through so much in her life, and never lost her smile...she was not one for many words, but the times she shared she was able to help those that were hurting...my mom and her mom (my grandma) were very alike...they went through times of extreme hardship and never broke and never lost their quiet ways or their smiles...I remember my grandmother sharing with me things that she says that she never told anyone else...I wish I was as strong as both of them...I miss them so much...I can't even put into words how this feels, I wanted to take time to remember them and not have to worry about other things as much, I have to concentrate on school, my job, and my son, but I wanted to be relieved of the other demands so that I could have the time to remember...

I thought that wasn't too much to ask...it apparently was...life will go on, and maybe someday I will have mercy to do just that have time to take time to remember...

The Speed of Trust (READ IT...a golden book)

Here is my next book that I think I will force time to read, I feel compelled to read it, and the title intrigues me...

I understand deeply what this topic is, and have a hard time in this area because of being burned...

Well, here is my crack at re-building again, anyway...next steps...

Other Reading...

Well, I have picked up a plethera of books...well maybe not a plethera, but a few anyway...

I just got my latest purchase in the mail called The 7 habits of Highly Effective Families.

I also bought a pre-curser book to this one, I think it was called 7 habits of Highly effective people...

Anyway, at some point, I am going to be able to delve into these...My boyfriend is coming this summer and it would be nice to have some of this read and be able to feel a little more normal again before he gets here.

Reading is great it is the implementation that is hard, in emotional life...

Anyway, off to the races again...

No Formula to Grief

Even though I found this article on grieving even I
know there is no real formula to grief One goes
through certain stages in grief, but there is no
cut and dry you will go through phase one for a
week and then phase two for two weeks and phase
three for another week.

It is just not the reality of grieving, but
losing in four areas in the last year and a
half really brings this back to me again, as
I was faced with a request from someone
when I had asked for space to grieve, but
did not get that space.

I thought in that I would have been
granted at least a four month reprieve
from having to deal with anything that
needed any extreme attention, but
I guess that is not going to happen.

Anyway, here is the article, and here
I am wishing I could have a reprieve, but
somehow knowing that
it really won't be a reality...

I needed the emotional space, and thought
that is was not too much to ask...its
too bad that going through a divorce, losing
my mother, grandmother (mother's mom)
and my adopted grandmother and having my
mom's father in the hospital is
not enough for this person to allow
me space to grieve.

It made me sadder today, I wonder when
I will deserve mercy to grieve for
my loved ones...I suppose there are those
 that don't get that mercy either,
I just wished I had that mercy...maybe
someone still believes deeply that it
it is not that person's family so it
is not that person's problem...

If someone close to you has died, you may be feeling
many different emotions. You may be sad, worried, or
scared. You might be shocked, unprepared, or confused.
You might be feeling angry, cheated, relieved, guilty,
exhausted, or just plain empty. Your emotions might be
stronger or deeper than usual or mixed together in
ways you've never experienced before.

You might also notice that your loss is affecting what
you're thinking about and how you behave. If you're
grieving, you might be having trouble concentrating,
sleeping, eating, or feeling interested in the things
you usually enjoy. You might be trying to act like you
feel OK (even if you don't) because you want to be
strong for someone else. And you may wonder if you
will ever get over losing someone who means so much to
you.

All of these emotions can be natural reactions to the
death of someone close. They're part of the process of
grieving.
What Is Grief?

Grief is the emotion people feel when they experience
a loss. There are many different types of loss, and
not all of them are related to death. A person can
also grieve over the breakup of an intimate
relationship or after a parent moves away from home.

Grief is a natural reaction to the loss of someone
important to you. Grief is also the name for the
healing process that a person goes through after
someone close has died. The grieving process takes
time, and the healing usually happens gradually.

Although everyone experiences grief when they lose
someone, grieving affects people in different ways.
How it affects you partly depends on your situation
and relationship with the person who died.

The circumstances under which a person dies can
influence grief feelings. For example, if someone has
been sick for a long time or is very old, you may have
expected that person's death. Although it doesn't
necessarily make it any easier to accept (and the
feelings of grief will still be there), some people
find that knowing someone is going to die gives them
time to prepare. And if a loved one suffered a lot
before dying, a person might even feel a sense of
relief when the death occurs. If the person who has
died is very young, though, you may feel a sense of
how terribly unfair it seems.

Losing someone suddenly can be extremely traumatic,
though, no matter how old that person is. Maybe
someone you know died unexpectedly - as a result of
violence or a car accident, for example. It can take
a long time to overcome a sudden loss because you may
feel caught off guard by the event and the intense
feelings that are associated with it.

Losing someone because he or she committed suicide can
be especially difficult to deal with. People who lose
friends or family members to suicide may feel intense
despair and sadness because they feel unable to
understand what could have led to such an extreme
action. They may even feel angry at the person - a
completely normal emotion. Or they could feel guilty
and wonder if there was something they might have done
to prevent the suicide. Sometimes, after a traumatic
loss, a person can become depressed and may need extra
help to heal.

If you've lost someone in your immediate family, such
as a parent, brother, or sister, you may feel cheated
out of time you wanted to have with that person. It
can also feel hard to express your own grief when
other family members are grieving, too. Some people
may hold back their own grief or avoid talking about
the person who died because they worry that it may
make a parent or other family member sad.

Grief can cause some people to feel guilty for no
reason. Depending on the circumstances, some people
might wonder if something they did - or didn't do -
caused the person's death. Others might think if only
they had been better people that their loved ones
might not have died. These things aren't true, of
course - but sometimes feelings and ideas like this
are just a way of trying to make sense of something
that's difficult to understand.

All of these feelings and reactions are OK - but what
can people do to get through them? How long does grief
last? Will things ever get back to normal? And how
will you go on without the person who has died?
Coping With Grief

The grieving process is very personal and individual -
each person goes through his or her grief differently.
Some people reach out for support from others and find
comfort in good memories. Others become very busy to
take their minds off the loss. Some people become
depressed and withdraw from their peers or go out of
the way to avoid the places or situations that remind
them of the person who has died. Just as people feel
grief in many different ways, they handle it
differently, too.

For some people, it may help to talk about the loss
with others. Some do this naturally and easily with
friends and family, others talk to a professional
therapist. Some people may not feel like talking about
it much at all because it's hard to find the words to
express such deep and personal emotion or they wonder
whether talking will make them feel the hurt more.
This is fine, as long you find other ways to deal with
your pain.

A few people may act out their sorrow by engaging in
dangerous or self-destructive activities. Doing things
like drinking, drugs, or cutting yourself to escape
from the reality of a loss may seem to numb the pain,
but the feeling is only temporary. The person isn't
really dealing with the pain, only masking it, which
makes all those feelings build up inside and only
prolongs the grief.

If your pain just seems to get worse, or if you feel
like hurting yourself or have suicidal thoughts, tell
someone you trust about how you feel.
What to Expect

It may feel impossible to recover after losing someone
you love. But grief does get gradually better and
become less intense as time goes by. To help get you
through the pain, it can help to know some of the
things you might expect during the grieving process.

The first few days after someone dies can be intense,
with people expressing strong emotions, perhaps crying
and comforting each other, and gathering to express
their support and condolences to the ones most
affected by the loss.

Family and friends often participate in rituals that
may be part of their religious, cultural, community,
or family traditions - such as memorial services,
wakes, or funerals. These activities can help people
get through the first days after a death and honor the
person who died. People might spend time together
talking and sharing memories about the person who
died. This may continue for days or weeks following
the loss as friends and family bring food, send cards,
or stop by to visit.

Many times, people show their emotions during this
time. But sometimes a person can be so surprised or
overwhelmed by the death that he or she doesn't show
any emotion right away - even though the loss is very
hard. For example, Joey's friends expected he'd be
really upset at his mom's funeral, so they were
surprised that he was smiling and talking with people
as if nothing had happened. When they asked him about
it, Joey said that seeing his friends at the funeral
cheered him up because it reminded him that some
things would still be the same. Joey was able to cry
and talk about how he felt when he was alone with his
dad after the funeral.

Sometimes, when the rituals associated with grieving
end, people might feel like they should be "over it"
because everything seems to have gone back to normal.
When people who are grieving first go back to their
normal activities, it might be hard to put their
hearts into everyday things. Many people go back to
doing regular things after a few days or a week. But
although they may not talk about their loss as much,
the grieving process continues.

It's natural to continue to have feelings and
questions for a while after someone dies. It's also
natural to begin to feel somewhat better. A lot
depends on how your loss affects your life. It's OK to
feel grief for days, weeks, or even longer, depending
on how close you were to the person who died.

No matter how you choose to grieve, there's no one
right way to do it. The grieving process is a gradual
one that lasts longer for some people than others.
There may be times when you worry that you'll never
enjoy life the same way again, but this is a natural
reaction after a loss.
Caring for Yourself

The loss of someone close to you can be stressful. It
can help you to cope if you take care of yourself in
certain small but important ways. Here are some that
might help:

 * Remember that grief is a normal emotion. Know
that you can (and will) heal from your grief.
 * Participate in rituals. Memorial services,
funerals, and other traditions help people get through
the first few days and honor the person who died.
 * Be with others. Even informal gatherings of
family and friends bring a sense of support and help
people not to feel so isolated in the first days and
weeks of their grief.
 * Talk about it when you can. Some people find it
helpful to tell the story of their loss or talk about
their feelings. Sometimes a person doesn't feel like
talking, and that's OK, too. No one should feel
pressured to talk.
 * Express yourself. Even if you don't feel like
talking, find ways to express your emotions and
thoughts. Start writing in a journal about the
memories you have of the person you lost and how
you're feeling since the loss. Or write a song, poem,
or tribute about the person who died. You can do this
privately or share it with others.
 * Exercise. Exercise can help your mood. It may be
hard to get motivated, so modify your usual routine if
you need to.
 * Eat right. You may feel like skipping meals or
you may not feel hungry - but your body still needs
nutritious foods.
 * Join a support group. If you think you may be
interested in attending a support group, ask an adult
or school counselor about how to become involved. The
thing to remember is that you don't have to be alone
with your feelings or your pain.
 * Let your emotions be expressed and released.
Don't stop yourself from having a good cry if you feel
one coming on. Don't worry if listening to particular
songs or doing other activities is painful because it
brings back memories of the person that you lost; this
is common. After a while, it becomes less painful.
 * Create a memorial or tribute. Plant a tree or
garden, or memorialize the person in some fitting way,
such as running in a charity run or walk (a breast
cancer race, for example) in honor of the lost loved
one.

Getting Help for Intense Grief

If your grief isn't letting up for a while after the
death of your loved one, you may want to reach out for
help. If grief has turned into depression, it's very
important to tell someone. How do you know if your
grief has been going on too long? Here are some signs:

 * You've been grieving for 4 months or more and
you aren't feeling any better.
 * You feel depressed.
 * Your grief is so intense that you feel you can't
go on with your normal activities.
 * Your grief is affecting your ability to
concentrate, sleep, eat, or socialize as you normally
do.
 * You feel you can't go on living after the loss
or you think about suicide, dying, or hurting
yourself.

It's natural for loss to cause people to think about
death to some degree. But if a loss has caused you to
think about suicide or hurting yourself in some way,
or if you feel that you can't go on living after your
loss, it's important that you tell someone right away.

Counseling with a professional therapist can help
because it allows you to talk about your loss and
express strong feelings. Many counselors specialize in
working with teens who are struggling with loss and
depression. If you'd like to talk to a therapist and
you're not sure where to begin, ask an adult or school
counselor. Your doctor may also be able to recommend
someone.
Will I Ever Get Over This?

Well-meaning friends and family might tell a grieving
person they need to "move on" after a loss.
Unfortunately, that type of advice can sometimes make
people hesitate to talk about their loss, or make
people think they're grieving wrong or too long, or
that they're not normal. Every person takes his or her
own time to heal after a loss. The way someone grieves
a particular loss and the time it takes is very
individual.

It's important for grieving people to not drop out of
life, though. If you don't like the idea of moving on,
maybe the idea of "keeping on" seems like a better
fit. Sometimes it helps to remind yourself to just
keep on doing the best you can for now. If you feel
sad, let yourself have your feelings and try not to
run away from your emotions. But also keep on doing
things you normally would such as being with friends,
caring for your pet, working out, or doing your
schoolwork.

Going forward and healing from grief doesn't mean
forgetting about the person you lost. Getting back to
enjoying your life doesn't mean you no longer miss the
person. And how long it takes until you start to feel
better isn't a measure of how much you loved the
person. With time, the loving support of family and
friends, and your own positive actions, you can find
ways to cope with even the deepest loss.

Reviewed by: D'Arcy Lyness, PhD
Date reviewed: April 2004

Toys

I am now convinced that I like buying the toys more than my son loves it. I was in the store called Famous Toys, and man did my eyes light up when I saw a couple things, and my son said that the toys I picked were not for me but for him...so I must have good taste eh!... I just love buying toys that have some interaction for me and my son to do together, whether it launches, we race stuff, or anything that he can interact with me...perhaps I am addicted, but it is alot of fun.

Commitment

The "commitment level of a bad date," I said this to someone once. I am on the net to stay in touch with friends and give myself a venue to safely aleviate some stress, but there are some days like today when I run across some old connections and I know they are married and find out that they are running amuck here on the net...turns my stomach and I know I am sensitive because of what happened with me, but it really ruins the moment...in general I find that people are only sorry when they get caught and not sincerely sorry for what they have done or are doing, it does tend to make me sad, because I understand the greater dynamic where there children are suffering and it is the children's hearts that cannot be mended.

It does turn my stomach on this cyber world, and I wish that in general people were more loyal, faithful, and trustworthy...at least I wish I didn't have my own bubble burst so frequently and find out that people that I know are none of the above and instead are hurting their families...sorry, just a rant...not my business, just makes me sad for their families...

Reading but not learning

Reading does not mean you have learned anything...its sad to say that even though some read something that should be life changing or something that could change a life or help one understand the REALITY of a situation, but the only thing absorbed is one or two sentences that still feed the problem...I know that I am guilty of the same thing at times, and I wish that I would have the ears to hear, the eyes to see, and the heart to understand instead of being stuck in the rut...cow path of what I want to perceive, instead of allowing my heart to change and move towards what needs to be...

Put a Dog in That Fight

In the last little while, the phrase putting a dog in that fight has had some meaning for me...I used to think that I was good at choosing my battles, but I know that I am not right now...yet there are times when it is obvious when not to put a dog in that fight, and the fact that I don't need to put one in or that I don't have a dog to put in that fight...funny how some small phrase sticks to you, it has passed, but somehow I guess it broke the tension by coming up with some quip or some jargon or some saying that decreasing the increase in the tension that could be there...gotta love it, choose your battles wisely...don't put a dog in that fight...unless it is a fight that is worth its weight in love...sounds funny eh!...couldn't think of anything better to say...terrible...oh well...ta ta for now

Roadmap to True Change

There are very definite beliefs about the totem pole, but if I look at just the process of the totem pole...to me it means identifying a road that needs to be taken for change, and every cut of the carvers hand is drawing the map of the direction and the steps on that road to change. My personal belief is in the cross, and verse that comes to mind is writing the word on the tables of your heart. If we spent time carving these words into our lives and fulfilling them in love in order to create REAL change then we would see an absolute change in our lives. I looked up the twelve steps and made a general copy of them here, but they contain a simple plan for change that anyone could make. I believe this because it goes beyond lip service and it requires the indivdual to go beyond an apology that can be easily spoken and forgotten in the next breath.


STEP ONE: Who's boss -- them or the action that is troubling your life? (The above qualification should pretty much answer the first half of the step)…That our lives had become unmanageable, not only the action that is troubling our life -- all phases of our existence were and are unmanageable. It stands to reason that if we can't manage our lives and we are acting in a manner that is not very sane (unmanageability is not sane living) then we have to take…

STEP TWO: Come to believe that a power GREATER than ourselves, something other than us can manage our lives. A power that can bring sanity back to the way we live. Who are we to believe that WE are the greatest? When we did Step 1, we admitted that we couldn't manage our own lives. When we took Step 2, we said that someone greater than us could manage us and restore us. We needed new to have a new manager, a living, loving God.

STEP THREE: We made the decision that we needed to come under new management since our own management got us nowhere. So we turn our wills and lives over to the care of our new manager -- Jesus. He will take care of us and manage our lives since we admitted in Step 1 that our lives were unmanageable, and in Step 2, that He could restore us to a manageable state and sanity. At this point get down on your knees… and say: "Lord, I ask that You guide and direct me, and that I have decided to turn my will and life over to You. To serve You and dedicate my life to You. I ask all this in the name of Jesus Christ. I thank you Lord; I believe that if I ask this in prayer, I shall receive what I have asked for. Thank you Jesus. Amen."

Now that I have gone under new management, I believe what it says in the Big Book at the end of the Steps in How It Works:
A: I have been acting in a way that has caused constant trouble in my life, and I could not manage my own life,
B: No human power could RELIEVE the troubles that I was causing in my own life,
C: GOD COULD AND WOULD IF HE WERE SOUGHT!!!!!
Then I have to take an inventory.

STEP FOUR: Take a searching and fearless moral inventory. I must find out what I've got, what I need to get rid of, and what I need to acquire. There are 20 character defects to ask about -- the individual wrongs are not necessary to go over, just the defects that caused them. Going over the questions, I must be honest and admit my defects to myself, to one other person, and to God (where two or more are gathered in His name, there shall He be.) By admitting, the person also takes.

STEP FIVE: The inventory is of our defects, not our incidents. Here are the defects:
1 Resentment, Anger
2 Fear, Cowardice
3 Self pity
4 Self justification
5 Self importance, Egotism
6 Self condemnation, Guilt
7 Lying, Evasiveness, Dishonesty
8 Impatience
9 Hate
10 False pride, Phoniness, Denial
11 Jealousy
12 Envy
13 Laziness
14 Procrastination
15 Insincerity
16 Negative Thinking
17 Immoral thinking
18 Perfectionism, Intolerance
19 Criticizing, Loose Talk, Gossip
20 Greed

Now that you've admitted these defects, ask, "Don't you want to get rid of them?" These same defects caused your life to be unmanageable. How can you ask God to get rid of the THINGS you did in your past? YOU CAN'T!! You can ask to get rid of the defects, which caused you to act in the manner you did by taking…

STEP SIX: You were ENTIRELY ready (not almost, not just about, not partially) to have God remove ALL (not some) of these defects. He cannot remove things that have already happened. You are ready to get rid of ALL of them, even the ones that are fun. REMEMBER, YOU TURNED YOUR WILL AND LIFE OVER TO GOD IN STEP THREE. Now comes…

STEP SEVEN: On your knees you ask that these defects be removed, these shortcomings listed in your inventory… "I humbly ask you oh Lord, to remove my shortcomings and forgive me, my sins and trespasses, and ask in all humility that you will remove my defects and shortcomings because I am one of your children and I truly believe. Thank you Jesus, Amen."

STEP EIGHT: You make a list of all persons you have harmed, starting with yourself, family, friends, employers, employees, etc. If the person was involved in the occult, God's forgiveness must be asked. We discuss briefly this list, and ask if they are willing to make restitution and amends. Then restitution is made to all as soon as possible, except in certain instances where it is turned over to God. They will have done STEP NINE: by making restitution. After doing these 9 steps, your slate is wiped clean. You are reborn as it says in the Big Book on page 63, "We were reborn." II Corinthians 5:17 says, "Therefore if any man is in Christ, he is a new creature: the old things are passed away; behold, all things are made new!

STEP TEN: We continued to take personal inventory every night: did you harm anyone, have you done something wrong? Do you deserve a gold star or a black mark? You ask forgiveness honestly, and all is forgiven by the Lord -- clean slate. When you are wrong, promptly admit it. When you don't, use the inventory at night to do so. Deal with your life by the four absolutes: ABSOLUTE LOVE, ABSOLUTE HONESTY, ABSOLUTE UNSELFISHNESS, and ABSOLUTE PURITY. Did you act out of Love? Were you honest? Were you unselfish? Were your motives pure? All things must be based on these four things…

STEP ELEVEN: Prayer is talking to God -- meditation is listening to Him. Pray, go to church, read the bible, read the Big Book. Get to know the Word of God so that you will understand it when you meditate. Thy will, not mine, be done!!!!

STEP TWELVE: A spiritual awakening is THE RESULT of working, doing, and LIVING, ALL of the 12 Steps! Then you have this message to carry to others. There is no message unless you have done the first 9 Steps and are living the last three. You can't give what you don't have. You must practice these principles in ALL your affairs.

Now it is your responsibility to give this message to others as you have received it. Not changed, watered down, or how others may want it in their lives. If they want what you have, they must do what you did. It is now your legacy to hand down, AS IT WAS GIVEN TO YOU -- NO OTHER WAY!!!!

There is no easier, softer way -- this is it. This is the PROGRAM OF RECOVERY

Don't trudge the Happy Road to Recovery; walk with your head high, knowing that through you, God will help others to RECOVER as you have. May God bless and be with you.

Currently: Reading, Watching and Listening to

Teach Me How To Love You, Thomas Weeks III

What A Man Wants, What A Woman Needs, Eddie Long

Between Two Worlds, By ELIZABETH MARQUARDT...http://www.betweentwoworlds.org/

Watching DVDs, by TD Jakes: Night Seasons, Held By a Nail, and Fight for the Family, The Doubting Disciple

Listening to, by Dr. Juanita Bynum Weeks and Thomas Weeks III : Pride Is Just Too Expensive, and Pride Vs The Proverbs 31 Woman

Ex-Etiquette For Parents

Parents Are Forever,
(a step by step guide to becoming successful coparents after divorce) Shirley Thomas, Ph.D.

Choice Theory

The last three are not books I have delved into yet, but they seemed interesting and may have bits that are needful. A time to build a foundation that is not of sand and a building that is not made of glass.

Truth

You can't convince a man of truth or reality who is drunk on his own decision ...the only truth that he is willing to see is the truth that he perceives.

http://www.betweentwoworlds.org/

Choice Theory

Choice Theory- states that all we do is behave, that almost all behavior is chosen, and that we are driven by our genes to satisfy five basic needs: survival, love and belonging, power, freedom and fun. In practice, the most important need is love and belonging, as closeness and connectedness with the people we care about is a requisite for satisfying all of the needs. Choice Theory (and the Seven Caring Habits) is offered to replace external control psychology (and the Seven Deadly Habits), the present psychology of almost all the people in the world. Unfortunately, this forcing, punishing psychology is destructive to relationships. When used in a relationship it will always destroy the ability of one or both to find satisfaction in that relationship, and will result in people becoming disconnected from those with whom they want to be connected. Disconnectedness is the source of almost all human problems, such as what is called mental illness, drug addiction, violence, crime, school failure, spousal and child abuse, to mention a few.

Seven Caring Habits:

Supporting
Encouraging
Listening
Accepting
Trusting
Respecting
Negotiating differences


Seven Deadly Habits:

Criticizing
Blaming
Complaining
Nagging
Threatening
Punishing
Bribing or rewarding to control


The Ten Axioms of Choice Theory:

1. The only person whose behavior we can control is our own.
2. All we can give another person is information.
3. All long-lasting psychological problems are relationship problems.
4. The problem relationship is always part of our present life.
5. What happened in the past has everything to do with what we are today, but we can only satisfy our basic needs right now and plan to continue satisfying them in the future.
6. We can only satisfy our needs by satisfying the pictures in our Quality World.
7. All we do is behave.
8. All behavior is Total Behavior and is made up of four components: acting, thinking, feeling and physiology.
9. All Total Behavior is chosen, but we only have direct control over the acting and thinking components. We can only control our feeling and physiology indirectly through how we choose to act and think.
10. All Total Behavior is designated by verbs and named by the part that is the most recognizable.

Being able to Be in the Moment - Aging

I was reading for one of my classes and I was reading an article about Death and Dying. It was an article that was assigned because of something that I had to respond to on the demographics of our aging society. The following statement was included in the article,

"The elderly have possiblities in the future, they have their realities in the past--the deeds done, the loved ones loved, and, last but not least, the sufferings they have gone through with courage and dignity. In a word, they have already brought in the harvest of their lives and now may, as it has been said in the Book of Job, come to their graves, "like a shock of corn cometh in his season. (Generations 15, 7-10 (Fall 1990) Viktor Frankl pg. 421-429)"

I also read another statement included that inferred that the length of life is not what is important, but "the richnesss of the respective life."

I like the first statement because to me it really supported my view of life...if I am able to look back at what I have gone through and know that I have done so with a sense of knowing that I was able to live a life that I can feel good about then I know that no matter how long I had or have it was all good. How many of us think about life from the view that we are not just getting old, we are not just losing time, but we are building something...but what have we built? Perhaps, that is the more serious thing to think about.

Amongst all of the readings another thought that came out was one that said if you live your life fully knowing that this is the best chance that you have with the choices that you make and take the time to "really" understand the magnitude and reality of what your choices will create then you will have a life will little regret. Regret comes from a person's choices that they did not fully appreciate before they made them and then when the fullness of what those choices gave birth to came to being or created was fully realized, regret was then born. The thought was by these thinkers and the advice of them were to "live knowing the full balance of your choice," and at that point fulling realizing what would be the outcome and you will be less likely to regret what happens.

It is true, and I see a lot of people caught up in despair and depression, because they refuse to count the cost as it were, and then they live a life that they really don't want.

It is hard sometimes to take the time to weigh and balance all of the costs, but it is easier when you are not the only one who will pay for your choices.

It was a good set of articles.

Learning

I was thinking through some situations over the past few weeks, and the thought that came to me was, "sometimes the only way something is learned is through grief."

I know that is not the thing that anyone wants to hear, but through observing many situations over the last few months it just seems to be true.

Huge Arctic ice break discovered

Arctic landscape, Canada (Image: Science Photo Library)
Ellesmere island is about 800km (500 miles) from the North Pole
Scientists have discovered that an enormous ice shelf broke off an island in the Canadian Arctic last year, in what could be sign of global warming.

It is said to be the largest break in 25 years, casting an ice floe with an area of 66 sq km (25 square miles).

It occurred in August 2005 but was only recently detected on satellite images.

The chunk of ice bigger than Manhattan could wreak havoc if it moves into oil drilling regions and shipping lanes next summer, scientists warned.

For something that large to move that quickly is quite amazing
Luke Copland, University of Ottawa

"The Arctic is all frozen up for the winter and it's stuck in the sea ice about 50km (30 miles) off the coast," said Luke Copland, an assistant professor at the University of Ottawa.

"The risk is that next summer, as that sea ice melts, this large ice island can then move itself around off the coast and one potential path for it is to make its way westward toward the Beaufort Sea where there is lots of oil and gas exploration, oil rigs and shipping."

'Quite amazing'

The ice break was initially undetected due to the remoteness of the northern coast of Ellesmere island, which is about 800km (500 miles) from the North Pole.

Satellite images showed the 15km (9mile) crack, then the ice floating about 1km (0.6 miles) from the coast within about an hour, said Mr Copland, a specialist in glaciers and ice masses.

"You could stand at one edge and not see the other side, and for something that large to move that quickly is quite amazing," he said.

Mr Copland said a combination of low accumulations of sea ice around the edges of the ice mass, as well as the Arctic's warmest temperatures on record, contributed to the break.

The region was 3C (5.4F) above average in the summer of 2005, he said.

Ice shelves in Canada's far north have shrunk by as much as 90% since 1906.

"It's hard to tie one event to climate change, but when you look at the longer-term trend, the bigger picture, we've lost a lot of ice shelves on northern Ellesmere in the past century.

"This is that continuing and this is the biggest one in the last 25 years," he said.

Accessed on the World Wide Web on January 1, 2007:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/6218333.stm?ls

Making the Grade...

This has been a very hard semester in University, and I just received my last breath of air on December 22, 2006. I received one of the grades I had not gotten from my classes. I passed, and my lungs filled up and I felt a great weight lift from off of my shoulders. It has been a long few months and being able to get through my classes is something I can't explain to anyone, it is so relieving...it is truly by God's mercy that I have come this far...

Passing...

I was on my way back from an out of town trip when I called a friend. The call was the delivery of bad news. A friend of mine in was pregnant with her third child, and she was in labor at twenty one weeks. The doctors told her and her husband that they would not do any life saving measures for babies unless they were twenty four weeks, because the baby will not have lungs developed enough to sustain life (in short that was part of what I was told and some of what I was told later).

Although, unexpectedly as I walked into the ward at the hospital I had a sudden rush of memories and feelings wash over me. Yet, I would not have been anywhere else at that moment. I did what I had learned to do which was to box up my reactions, and set them on the shelf and be where I knew I should be. It was unexpected, because I didn't expect to be washed through and through at that moment with old memories, perhaps it was the weariness I felt in my physical body that had me succumb to the feelings a bit. I don't know, but it was a trigger I didn't expect.

My friend and her husband, delivered a baby boy that same night not long after I left her side. My friend and her husband held and dressed their son and gave him a name. I got a call late the next night letting me know that they would be having a funeral and could I please come. It was one of the hardest funerals and experiences I have been through lately. I saw in the eyes of this father someone who was so in love with this baby even though he had never held it. At the graveside a broken heart inside this man who was asked to lower his child into the cold winter earth. My friend and her husband were grieving equally in their own ways, but this is the first time I have ever seen a man who was so deeply connected to his child and who was the kind of father that I have not seen in such a long time.

I have other family friends in B.C. that I would say are like this couple, but they are much older and have raised more than one generation. It was the first time that I had seen the heart of a man on this earth exhibit the very heart that I know that God has towards us in such deep tenderness. It is not a moment where you wish was connected to seeing something like that, because these things are devastating and no one should have to know this pain.

I stood by the grave with everyone else as my friend and her family, which were as many could come on such short notice. We were a small crowd, but there was many tears by everyone when my friend's husband lowered his own baby into the ground. God's heartbeat is inside this man, and I know that it will be shared with his children now and any that will come later. My friend and her family are a treasure, and even though they sorrow now they will be comforted by God and His angels through this tough time.

I am look at my son again today, and know that he is a miracle. All babies are miracles, and it is a treasure that God gives. I love my treasure, and I realize how much of a miracle of life he really is once again.

In Heaven with Jesus

My son said the other day, "Kokum is in the hospital?" I said to him, quietly and as gently as I could, "Kokum is in Heaven with Jesus." He has repeated his question every day to me for the last 3-4 days and every time I tell him the same thing and then I ask him if he is ok, and he always answers me that he is. My mom was here with me until two weeks before she was gone, and I have changed her room into a partial play room for my son. He still says it is "Kokum's room." I know that the question is just a way of him checking out what things will be like, and now he asks to hear stories about Jesus. I know that he is wondering about Jesus, since I have told him that Kokum is with Jesus.

It comforts my son to know that Kokum is with someone that will take care of her. He asked a couple of times if Kokum was still not feeling better, and I told him Kokum is with Jesus and she is all better. He is looking for a way to know that his Kokum is ok. I know that and the first day he started to be very insistent about Kokum was hard, because up until then I have not allowed myself to feel very deeply yet. I can still feel myself holding back and not letting things get very far, but right now there is much to do...

We will go see my Uncle and Aunt over the holidays, and he has decided to call them Uncle Moshum and Auntie Kokum. I know that going forward that it is the way that he is dealing with things and I believe it is best, because at least he then sees that even though Kokum is not here and she is with Jesus that there are still those around us that can be a support regardless.

My angel, I think at the end of the day, his questions are helping me, and acknowleding what he needs helps reinforce it inside of me too.