Listening

For years now I have heard the Elders talk about what leads to healing within the communities, but time and time again I see the words land on deaf ears. I also hear empty words spoken by this generation, where they speak about wanting to change the world or create a different legacy.

How do you change the future? If you don't want to get the same results then you have to do things differently. I have heard this statement over and over and over again. The next one I have engrained in my head is that if you require nothing you will get nothing.

Today, once again, I heard the Elders get adamant and very clearly state what they walked away from "completely," in order to change the tide and to enter a time of healing for their children in order to change the generation they could influence.

It came back to things that many addicts make excuses to keep a part of their lives, and they spoke over and over and over again today. If heaven could have rumbled and thundered with their words it would have broken from their cry. They said over and over again...I changed my life, and I left drinking, smoking, drugs and other abuses behind, I changed my life, in order to change and have a life of healing for my children.

I am disliked by some because I have a zero tolerance for alcohol for my life and the life I expose my son to, and I am highly criticized for this. Yet, the cry of the Elders is not quiet in the corner, and it is not silent in their homes, it is clear and distinct...it is, this generation, MUST CHANGE THEIR LIVES. It is to SAVE OUR YOUTH and OUR CHILDREN.

We have the keys and the knowledge to give our children a better legacy, but I know too well why it takes generations to move away from these addictions. If a child is born into severe abuse and alcohol abuse and they are introduced early and on a constant basis with alcohol then they will grow up looking for a way to rationalize the use of alcohol, addictions, and other abuses.

It is hard to change, and it takes generations sometimes in order to get away from this foundation in homes. I have a friend who said that she doesn't look at her family as having a problem when they have to drink until they are blacked out, because she has grown up with it. This person was not physically abused, and grew up drinking from a young age, so the hurt that it causes has not reached the central part of who she it yet. Although, this person describes neglecting her child.

The statistics are high for children who end up in the Foster System because of neglect. So, even though she grew up thinking that the alcohol has not affected her or her life, it is just around the corner if at the wrong moment and the wrong time her child could be taken by the Foster System. I hope within my heart that it never happens, but you cannot convince someone of the pain that they may go through. I have seen so many people who don't get things until they end up with a tragedy from their choices. It is unfortunate that far too many people make excuses and rationalize the need to drink and continue with other abuses instead of remembering the nightmare that they went through because of them.

I have seen generation after generation get swept away because of what I call the "denial file." The denial is necessary, because if you can look away from the very real affects of using alcohol, and continuing with addictions then you can continue to use the things that have control over your life.

It almost had me in tears to listen to the Elders, and then watch some youth laughing at them as they made their statements that they changed because they wanted healing for this generation. The statements ended with saying I did it because I love you. It was hurtful to see them laugh, because after living a lifetime of knowing what these things do this generation as generations before live in a "denial file."

Can we really just dabble in addictions? Can we really make excuses and expect others not to pay the price? Can we remember back to our own childhood which was devastating and remember TRULY why the hurt existed? If we make excuses about it today, will that change tomorrow? If we continue to deal with life from the use of substances that cause abuse can we expect a better legacy? Do we need alcohol, other substances and abuses in order to cope? How can we say that we are who we are and disrespect our Elders? How can we say that we are honoring the truth, and we turn our backs on the TRUTH that they give us?

I hear from some, I am not beating anyone, I am not sexually abusing anyone, I am not doing drugs? All the big items that are considered taboo, but they are neglecting a child, they have no accountability, and there are no boundaries in life...So, if we are spending dollars on alcohol and addictions, but we are still not doing the major taboo items, have we made the change that is necessary to show this generation how to live a life where they have EVERYTHING good that they could have, or have we just dressed the problems down a bit, and wrapped them in different paper. Is the foundation of excuses and level of alcohol use, substance use, addictions, and other abuses at a minimum enough to be dismissed? Although, the truth is that no trauma, pain, or abuse of a child or your family should be minimized and swept under the rug...shouldn't we have a no tolerance policy for abusing the next generation and taking their lives from them before or during their development when they are in our care?

We all go through hardship, but to have this as an excuse...it is not something that should even flow through minds of caregivers. Where does real change begin? One person said it is with a 180 degree turn, which means turning away from those things that fed into the abuse and the pain that was already experienced. It is not indicitive to our people, it is indicitive to all people, to deny, and to want to keep "just a bit," of the addiction.

Yet, if we keep, "just a bit," are we listening?

So, if these are the gifts that are given, what kind of generation have we got...we have 27,000 of our own people in a Foster System and gone from our communities. 80% of the children in care in our lands are our own people. So, if I asked you How is this working for us? How are we measuring up? How is what we are doing making a difference? Have we listened to the Elders? Have we made REAL CHANGE? Yes, poverty, yes, abuse from the past, and yes poor housing...but does that give this generation an excuse when they know how they were destroyed to continue to do the same, and not make resolve to give a different legacy, but way of excuses. We can't change our neighbor, but it DOES start with us. I have zero tolerance for alcohol, I have zero tolerance for substance abuse and I have zero tolerance for physical abuse, and it is my personal choice to have it as such for what I require of myself. I can only put the protection up for my child as the law allows me to do so...I know I cannot protect him from life, but I can provide him a place of safety and a better chance to move forward with less struggles emotionally than I had because of being abused. It is my commitment. What is the commitment of this generation from ourselves to those that we love? Is it REAL change, or is it the same thing as was given to us, but just wrapped differently (minimized addictions)? WHERE IS REAL CHANGE?

I hear about groups that make people feel good, but in all of the feeling good and fuzzy peach feelings I have seen very few people come back to commit to their children. Too many fuzzy feelings, too many excuses, too many its not your fault, and too many people who choose things because they cannot put themself aside long enough to take care of the gift that God gave them, their child.

Life is too short to say to give excuses, life is too short to say I will make things up to them, life is too short when you are so busy writing your denial file that you lose your child.

Today, was a day that I never want to forget

Cloths of Heaven

Cloths of Heaven
~
Had I the heavens’ embroidered cloths,Enwrought with golden and silver light,The blue and the dim and the dark clothsOf night and light and the half light,I would spread the cloths under your feet:But I, being poor, have only my dreams;I have spread my dreams under your feet;Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.
- W.B.Yeats

Two Days to Forget

I have tried my best to forget two days for this year, but somehow it was inevitable that I ended up getting through them most begrudingly...some things I guess will fade with time.

May 11 is the day that my ex-husband left, and May 21 is the day that our divorce became final. I almost made it through yesterday (one year after the divorce was final) without taking note of it.

I took my son to see Shrek 3, and I had asked someone if it would be movie that he would like and they said yes, but it was not really that the content was too old...but there were two things that I didn't know about that impacted my son...the first was there were too many villains together and the scene where that happened was a bit overwhelming for him, but before that, there was a scene where the characters were sitting around and talking about their dads leaving them and how they felt about everything.

My son took this very hard, and started to cry, even at this age and everything I do to try to make him feel differently he still feels things that I cannot fix...

It was what made yesterday so hard, and why I say that we almost made it through. I wish I would have known, but that is not something that people think about I guess when they are evaluating if a movie is ok for your young one.

Anyway, it wasn't anyone's fault, but it made for a harder day for me and my son. I talked him through things and got him to think about other good things, but it will not be a movie that we ever watch again.

Two Classes Left

Well, today is a good day, last night I went to my second last class for my Bachelors's Degree in Commerce. Wow, did it feel great to hear the Professor anounce that we are one third of the way through this class already, and I looked we even get a week's break in between this class. It was so good to hear things. I got my marks back and it is official I made it through last term, and Yes!, I definitely am sooooooo, close to being done.
It is so tremendous to be this close, and it feels great.

Golf

So, today was the first time that I went out with staff and golfed. I actually didn't mind it for the first time, I guess I had a stigma against the game because of thihngs over the past few years. It was actually very nice today though, I was told that I was a natural, and I can shoot very straight and the ball goes where I want it to go. The comment was that I should practice if I like the game because it seems to come naturally to me. I guess I refused to try before because of some things, but it was nice to hear. It is not something that after I have played for the first time and I just want to spend all of my time doing, because as soon as we were done I just wanted to spend time with my son. I got my dad to drive my son out to the Berry Barn and we ran around there. It was when I was with my son again and we were running around that I felt sooooo very good about the day, not that the time with my co-workers wasn't good, but golf was fun for the time while I spent it with them relaxing, but definitely not a passion.

It makes me care about my friend more and more, because we are both just like that...we care about people, and that is first and foremost...
Not that golfers, and other avid sports enthusiasts care less, but I do notice that I don't really tie into anything and allow it to capture me solely...I don't see that as a bad thing either. Although, I should digress, because my son has captured me soley, hmmmm, probably just a perspective thing, now that I really think about it...I just like my friend's perspective a whole lot too...

Life eh!

Repatriation

My son is finally transferred to my Reserve and I feel such a big sigh of relief, it was such a long process. After such a long time of making it happen I finally got the final document today that it was absolutely official. It is an amazing feeling, and there are no words to describe.

The only word that came to mind was repatriation, and I didn't look it up to see what it means literally, but for whatever reason the word came to mind when all of this was finally over.

Anyway, there are other things to do yet, because we want to go and see my boyfriend down south and spend time with him in the fall, but for today, this at least feels like I can take a breath instead of holding it to get this done.

After The Rain

There is a song that goes talks about "After The Rain," that things will begin to begin again, heal, and be restored. It is the basis of the words, and today listening to the rain as it came down this morning felt so good, and walking outside and looking up at the sky was just like getting a hug from Heaven.

I have a wonderful friend in my life, and right now he is my best friend, and the more we talk and the more we support each other it is becoming so wonderful to know that there is someone that cares about me for who I am on the inside, and is supportive of how I honor God and lives life with the same commitment to God that I do.

It is like filling my lungs with clean air, and having the peace and strength to breath once again. It has been a stressful week and my friend is truly my best friend. Today, is a day I wish I could be off just to take some time...but perhaps I will sneak outside later on and enjoy the moment a bit more.

Feeling Safe

I thought that once you get divorced the court documents provide you with some level of comfort or safety.

I have found that they do not, and that it is only a nice agreement on paper that must be strongly defended.

It was a sense of safety and some sort of resolution and peace that I hoped having things legalized would bring, but it has not. I want to feel safe, but I don't...I want to just have the right to get through school and have agreements honored but it is not happening...I want too much I guess...I want to feel safe and know that I will not lose my son, but I don't know if that is something I can trust anymore either...here is where I am at a total loss and the only thing I have is to trust God that He will help...it is a hard thing to completely let go when things like my son are closest to my very being and I don't know whether I can ever feel safe even after it has been legally supported...

I am a good mother, I love my son, and I just want the right to feel safe again...

The Speed Trust - Installment #1 - Excerpts from Stephen M.R. Covey's book

Few things can help an individual more than to place responsibility on him, and to let him know that you trust him.

----Booker T. Washington

Trust is one of the most powerful forms of motivation and inspiration. People want to be trusted. In order to establish, extend, and restore trust---we first need to understand how trust works.

What is it in you that inspires the trust of others?

Trust can be thought of in terms of character----of being a good or sincere person or of having ethics or integrity. Character is absolutely foundational and essential. Trust is a function of two things: character and competence. Character includes your integrity, your motive, your intent with people. Competence includes you capabilities, your skills, your results, your track record. And both are vital.

The 5 Waves of Trust:

#1 – Self Trust: FOUNDATIONAL PRINCIPLE confidence in ourselves—in our ability to set and achieve goals, to keep commitments, to walk our talk—and also with our ability to inspire trust in others. The idea is to become, both to ourselves and to others, a person who is worthy of trust. The Key Principle is credibility, which comes from the Latin root credere, meaning “to believe.” See the “4 Cores of Credibility,” where we will look at ways to increase credibility in order to firmly establish trust with ourselves and with others. The end result of high character and high competence is credibility, judgment, and influence. The 4 Cores of Credibility are:

a. Person of Integrity—that you are honest and congruent (the same inside and out—seamless, listening to the quiet voice of conscience without extrinsic factors being needed to comply), and that you have a reputation for being truthful, that you have humility, and that you would not lie (leaving the right impression). Integrity includes:

i. Integrated-ness, which is walking your talk—being congruent inside and out---having the courage to act in accordance to values and beliefs

• “To me, integrity, the root word, really has to do with the whole man, with character, with completeness and goodness.I think of a man or woman of integrity as someone who is balanced and complete, with high character.A person of principle.”—Sachs

• Whoever is careless with the truth in small matters cannot be trusted with important matters. –Einstein
• What Ghandi thinks, what he feels, what he says, and what he does are all the same…Mahadev Desa

• In the metaphor of the tree integrity is the root, and is vital

<> ii. Humble people are more concerned about what is right than about being right, about acting on good ideas,
than having the ideas, about embracing new truth than defending outdated position, about building, about recognizing contribution. Humble people also know they do not stand alone. The opposite of humility is pride—putting ego first, above principles, above others.
<> iii. Courage to do the right thing—even when it is hard

• <>Courage is the first of the human qualities because it is a quality which guarantees all the others—Churchill

<>How to increase your integrity?—The Three “ACCELLERATORS”

1. <>Find out How much Integrity you really Have.

• Do I genuinely try to be honest in all my interactions with others?
  

• <>Do I typically “walk my talk?”

<>

• <>Am I clear on my values? Do I feel comfortable in standing up for them?

<>

• <>Am I open to the possibility o learning new truths that may cause me to rethink issues or even redefine my values?

<>

• <>Am I able to consistently make and keep commitments to myself?

<>
Then Make and Keep Commitments to Myself
<> <>
2. Stand for Something—Stand for the Right Things

• Be valued and principle based. Know what you stand for, and live by those standards.—Kodak

<>To Believe in Something and not to live it, is dishonest—Ghandi
3. Be Open

• Openness is vital to integrity (It takes humility and courage—humility to acknowledge that there are principles out there you may not currently be aware of, and courage to follow them once you discover them)

• Do I Believe that the way I see the world is totally accurate and complete—or am I honestly willing to listen to and consider new viewpoints and ideas?

• Do I seriously consider differing points of view, and am I willing to be influenced by them?

• Do I believe there may be principles that I have not yet discovered? Am I determined to live in harmony with them, even if it means developing new thinking patterns and habits?

• Do I value—am I involved in—continual learning?

To the degree which you remain open to new ideas, possibilities, and growth, you create a trust dividend; to the degree you do not, you create a trust tax that impacts both your current and future performance.

b. Good Intent—that you’re not trying to deceive, that you don’t have any hidden agenda that would taint good faith

Ø In law, a man is guilty when he violates the rights of another: In ethics, he is guilty if he only thinks of doing so.—Kant

<> i. Straightforward motives and based on mutual benefit---when we genuinely care not only for ourselves, but
also for the people we interact with (hidden agendas destroys this; integrity and intent are matters of character)

Ø Intent matters

• Ø It grows out of character
• Ø While we tend to judge ourselves by our intent, we tend to judge others by their behavior
• Ø We also tend to judge others’ intent based on our own paradigm and experience
• Ø Our perception of intent has a huge impact on trust
• Ø People often distrust us because of the conclusions they draw about what we do

• Ø It is important for us to actively influence the conclusions others draw by “declaring out intent.”

• Ø While our motives and agendas are deep inside in our own hearts and minds, they become visible to others through our behaviors and as we share them with others.

• Ø Intent is Vital to Trust

• Ø How often do I discount (or “tax”) what someone says because I am suspicious about that person’s intent?

• Ø What kind of tax are we all paying because of lack of trust?

• Ø What kind of tax am I paying because others question my intent?

• Ø What can I do to improve and better communicate my intent?

What is Intent?

• Ø “plan” or “purpose”

• o Motive – your reason for doing something (It is the “why” that motivates the “what”) The motive that inspires the greatest trust is genuine caring (trust comes from believing someone cares)

• o Agenda—grows out of motive. It is what you intend to do or promote because of your motive. The agenda that generally inspires the greatest trust is seeking mutual benefit—genuinely wanting what is best for everyone involved.

• o Behavior – the manifestation of motive and agenda. The behavior that best creates credibility and inspires trust is acting in the best interest of others. (It is easy to say I care and I want the best for you, but it is our actual behavior that demonstrates whether or not we mean it.)

How to Improve Intent?—3 ACCELERATORS TO Improve Intent:

• Ø Intent is a matter of the heart. It is something that you cannot fake—at least not for long. It can be worked on and improved.

• 1. Examine and Refine Your Motives (remove all rational lies, and get down to the deepest level to examine our own motives, and change what needs to be changed.) As these questions:

• Ø Interaction with a child: Are my actions motivated by genuine care and love? Am I really seeking the best interests of this child? Am I humble enough to admit if I am wrong? Or am I really trying to impose my will on this child?

• Ø Interaction with others: Am I sincerely listening to what the other person is saying? Am I genuinely open to the other person’s influence? Do I understand where the other person is coming from? Or am I focused on explaining my point of view, being right, or getting my way? Do I genuinely want what is best for us both? Do I really understand what constitutes a “win” for the other party? Have I clearly thought through and can I express what constitutes a “win” for me? Am I open to synergy and third alternatives? Or do I really want to “win,” regardless of what happens to the other party?

• 2. Declare Your Intent

• Ø Declaring your intent and expressing your agenda and motives can be very powerful, particularly if your behavior is being misinterpreted or misconstrued by others. It is also valuable as a means of establishing trust in new relationships.

• 3. Choose Abundance

• Ø Abundance means there is enough for everybody

• Other ACCELERATOR QUESTIONS: Examine your current thinking by asking:

• Ø When I am in the middle of a negotiation, do I really believe it’s possible to come up with a solution that will provide benefit for us both—or deep down, do I believe that the other person can gain benefit only at my expense?

• Ø Do I believe that if I love other people, my own supply of love will be replenished—or diminished?

• Ø Do I believe there is room for other people to see things differently than I do…and still be right?

• Ø Do I believe that, whatever my economic circumstances, I can share with and benefit others?

• c. Credentials are Excellent—that you do indeed have capability to do what you are called on to do

i. Ability to inspire confidence—talents, attitudes, skills, knowledge, and style (these are the means to produce results—branches of the tree that produce results)

• Ø Capable people are credible, and they inspire trust—no one can effectively be given a new level of responsibility if they are not capable (even if they are honest, caring and produce some results)

• Ø Need to be involved in constantly learning, growing, and developing new skills (the job does not end, and it will always require more and more of individuals)

• Examine by asking yourself these questions:

• Ø What capabilities do I have to make me credible and that inspire the trust and confidence in others?

• Ø What experience have I had (or not had) in developing capabilities that affects the confidence I have in myself?

• Ø What is my attitude and approach toward improving my current capabilities and gaining new ones?

TASKS:

One way to think about the various dimensions of capabilities is to use the acronym “TASKS.”

T alents – natural gifts

A ttitudes – our ways of seeing, as well as our ways of being

S kills – our proficiencies

K knowledge – learning, insight, understanding, and awareness

S tyle – unique approach and personality

Questions to consider:

• Ø What are my unique strengths or talents? How can I better maximize the talents I have?

• Ø What are my attitudes about life? About myself, my capabilities, and my opportunities to contribute? Are there more productive attitudes and paradigms I could embrace that would help me create better results?

• Ø What skills do I currently have? What skills will I need in the future that I do not currently have? To what degree am I involved in constantly upgrading my skills?

• Ø What areas of knowledge do I need to pursue?

• Ø How effective is my current style in approaching problems and opportunities and interacting with others? Does my approach facilitate or get in the way of accomplishing what needs to be done? What can I do to improve the way in which I go about doing things?

Matching T-A-S-K-S to TASKS:

The end in mind is to develop our TASKS and to match them to the tasks at hand—to create the best possible alignment between our natural gifts, our passions, our skills, knowledge, and style and the opportunity to contribute and make a difference.

On the individual level, the problem is that many people are not into the idea of continuous improvement.

• How to increase your Capabilities?

• 1. Run with Your Strengths (and with Your Purpose)

• Ø Simply identify your strengths (whether they be Talents, Attitudes, Skills, Knowledge, or Style), and then focus on engaging, developing, and leveraging what’s distinctly yours.

• 2. Keep Yourself Relevant

• Ø Be engaged in lifelong learning

• 3. Know Where You’re Going

• Ø The people you lead want to know where they’re going.—Motorola

Trust Abilities:

1. To assess what you can work on to create the most effective improvement in your trust abilities ask these questions:

• Ø To what degree do I have some degree of natural talent in the area of trust abilities? Do things such as integrity and good intent come naturally to me? Do I naturally ask for mutual benefit? Do I inherently know and do the things that inspire trust?

• Ø What are my attitudes in this area? Do I recognize and respect the need for trust? Do I approach issues and try to get things done in ways that build trust?

• Ø Do I have trust-building skills? Do I interact with others in ways that build trust?

• Ø What knowledge and understanding do I have about establishing, growing, and restoring trust?

• Ø Is my style of action and interaction one that inspires trust? Is my style one that extends trust to others?

• d. Good Track Record, that you have demonstrated you are capable and effective in other situations and in the past and that you produce good results, and that there is good reason that you will do so now

i. Track Record, our performance, our getting the right things done (if we don’t do what is agreed on/promised our reputation precedes us)

• Ø Results Matter! – They matter to your credibility. They matter to your ability to establish and maintain trust with others.

• Ø Results are the fruit of the tree. Results are the tangible, measurable end purpose and product of the roots, trunk, and branches. The tree needs to produce what it was intended to produce—TRUST.

• Ø Results help to cover shortcomings; it helps to minimize the small stuff. Yet, result will not offset integrity.

Results---Past, Present, and Future

• Ø Our credibility comes not only from our past results and our present results, but also from the degree of confidence other have in our ability to produce results in the future.

• Ø Bottom line, whether you are dealing with restoring trust or establishing it in the first place, it is results that will convert the cynics.

• Ø The Track record goes to the degree of confidence and the degree of trust that will be extended. Track Record will project past performance on future results.

• “WHAT” and “HOW”:

• Ø What results am I getting?

• Ø How am I getting those results? (The how can generate huge roadblocks to future results—or it can grease the skids)

• Ø It is easier to get results the next time around if people trust you…if they know you’re going to give credit, to seek mutual benefit, to not place blame. They will want to engage with you, to give you information, to help you because you’ve become credible with them. They trust that you will go for results in a way that will benefit everyone involved.

• Defining RESULTS:

• Ø Bottom line and the connection between results and credibility

• Ø Sometimes results must be defined in a different way, because results are simply not in your control—

• Questions to ask:

• 1. I failed at a relationship/objective/etc.. But what is the result? What have I learned? Did I do my best? Am I modeling the kind of behavior I want for my children to see?

• 2. I had a disaster. But what new opportunities do I have as a result? Is there a better way to do things? What strengths do I have to help me rebuild?

• Communicating Results:

• Ø It is important to be able to appropriately communicate results to others

• How to improve your RESULTS:

• Three ACCELERATORS To Improve Results –

• Ø Take Responsibility for Results

• Ø Expect to Win – There is power in expectation

• Ø Finish Strong

The first wave of trust—Self Trust—is all about credibility. It is all about developing the integrity, intent, capabilities, and results that make you believable, both to yourself and to others.

1) Do I trust myself?

2) Am I someone others can trust?

Self Trust -- What is the net result of repeated failure to make and keep commitments to ourselves? It hacks away at our self-confidence. Not only do we lose trust in our ability to make and keep commitments, we fail to project the personal strength of character that inspires trust.

Inspiring Trust – It is the little things that count, that show people who you are, so that you inspire trust in them.

The only way to build trust is to be trustworthy.

See Questionnaire: Page 50-53

I wish I could

I wish there was a way that I could protect my son from the pain of being in the middle of a divorced family...at the times I think he is alright...he says small things and I can see how much it hurts him, especially when his dad cancels his visit...I try to distract my son and I never tell him that his dad has cancelled, but the time between visits is something that I cannot hide...it hurts my heart to see him and hear him when he asks me...it is the times that I can't take away the hurt...I can only distract him from it...I can't fix it...I can only redirect him from it, and try to make a better memory...I wish above all else that I could save him from the pain...but I cannot...

Travelling

My son and I went on two trips this week...one for my work and one for the holiday to see family...I know on the whole he does not mind, but on the other hand my son loves home the best...don't we all...there is something about your own space, and your own bed, and your own things to be comfortable around...I get an itch to fly every once in awhile, but for now, today...home is best...

My son's stories

Well, I got tired of waiting for the artwork to get started for my son's book that I wrote for him...so I made a trip to the craft store and bought scrapbook paper, stickers, and glue...it is amazing what they are making these days...I know it is not as good as a professionally done piece of art, but my son doesn't know the difference and at this point at least he will get to see what I mean in the words that I wrote in his story.

It can be very captivating to do something like this, and I started one of the pages and didn't even see the time fly by...two hours or more just vanished. It is well worth the effort, because my son loves being a part of everthing...

Teaching my son to tell story

My son and I tell story every night, or whenever we are just spending some time together. He says, "tell me story about..." He usually picks an animal and adds a little boy and his mommy or some other combination in there somehow.

It is a good exercise for me, because it helps me to realize that if I lay there and concentrate enough then I can tell quite the elaborate story for my son. Other times we are just silly and I just keep asking him, then what, and he adds a little blurb enough for me to start another little chapter in the story that he wants me to tell.

We went to the craft store and I bought these foam pieces that were cut into spaceship stuff and they have a sticky back to them and I also bought some sheets of foam to stick them to. My son and I just sat there and for a good couple of hours I let him pick pieces and stick them to the pages while he created his own story. It is something that takes quite a bit of time, because we really only did 5 pages, but to my son it meant the world, because it was a story that he made.

I realize afterward too, that since they are not pages bound together that he and I can tell endless different stories with the pages that he made...it is the simple things that win the heart of your child and it is the peaceful things that help to shape their character in the most tender way.

Ritual for Motivation

We all have our own ways of motivating ourselves I think especially with the things that we don't like to do. Cleaning is not a hobby that I have ever been in love with although I don't hate it either. I suppose the thing is that it is just very time consuming at a point in my life when I budget my time for everything.

So, I start doing things that will get me going, like I will do the dishes, then start the laundry, then move on to sweeping the floors, then mopping and as I get that done then I get near the bathroom and scrub every inch...don't get me wrong I am not a cleaning Nazi or anything...I just have a pattern and there are some things that just must be done and every inch must be gotten too.

Dusting, is another thing, I don't do that religiously, as it is one thing that doesn't catch my eye until I see a dust bunny somewhere I would rather not have seen it.

My one pet peeve is flyers and junk mail, I am totally obsessed with dumping them in the garbage faster than anyone can catch the darn things in the house. I find that the less I keep them around the slower dust builds up. My personal desk space could use an overhaul, but that gets cleaned out every couple of months from old research material and other odds and ends that end up on it because of school.

I probably don't even do as much as other people do to clean my home, because I don't remember the last time I actually polished my furniture (you see it is oak, and what a shame I have not pulled it apart to take some oak polish to it). It must be having the three year old, but really he is not bad. It is really a struggle when my relatives come over and they seem to bring a whirlwind inside my home, and then I spend some good times starting over again. Gotta love company though, and with that comes the whole shabang all over again.

I don't mind I have my rituals, where I do certain things during the week and then catch up on the rest on the weekend. I don't know why I even thought about it today, but for a second I thought about the ritual I have to get me started...

I suppose it is because I do other things also, just to change the tide if something unfavorable happens, and had analyzed that today too, funny eh? One thing got me analyzing some other thing...

Save the Drama

Now, there is some things you just can't avoid, but I had a phone call a couple nights ago, and by the end of the call I said it on the phone and I also said it to a very close friend of mine that I don't need the drama.

If I had been at another point in my life, perhaps I would have wanted to try to see what I needed to do. At the end of the day right now though I am simply just walking away. It has been a very long two years, and I just don't have any more to feed into these kinds of things any more.

I would have to be honest and say that I cried, and wished that people would just learn to be honest and honorable instead of trying to save themselves and lie. A lie only brings destroying things into you life, and it will eventually surface as to what the truth was. Simply put, just tell the truth and you will get what you give in life.

There is nothing left for me to do...and I suppose if I hadn't been through so much I might try and help more, but perhaps this is destiny to happen at this exact moment, just so I won't.

I feel good today, I was a bit rocky yesterday morning, but I worked through it, because I had just gotten two phones calls of drama the night before (not as bad as I have expienced before, so it was really low key...if you compare it to what it could have been - thankfully, we were just two adults who realized we both needed to understand), but at the end of the day...life goes on.

Destiny of a Child

My son picks up on everything around him, and he copies most everything. He copies the words people use, and the way people do things, and he does much of this copying from me as his parent. He picks up when something upsets me too, and he talks like that to try to get my attention or he tells me to talk nicely.

Children pick up everything, and I am always reminded that in order to change the destiny of my son I have to change the reality and the inputs whether verbal, emotional, or physical that I am giving to my son. His legacy will only change with my commitment to give him a solid imprint from me. If I want a different outcome for him as a legacy then I have to be better for him to learn from.

I can't be perfect, and he will see me be human, but the best things that I can do is to teach him to talk in a way that respects everyone, to treat others in a respectful way (remembering that he needs to treat people how he would also like to be treated), and to remember God is with him and knows all he does, and to honor him with everything that he does.

Life has no perfect mold, but the reality is if we don't make a conscious effort to change the inputs that gave us a legacy that caused pain, then we won't get a different reality. I require something different, because I want a different result. It is said that to do that same thing over and over again and expect a different result is insanity. It is true, and I am trying to do things differently to get a different result.

I can't do it all, but my effort is conscious.

Reality, Truth, Love, Trust and Honor...words that are easily said, but not always easily taught...everyday, little by little, and one small lesson at a time...that is how I see sowing into the life of children.

Some people believe it doesn't matter what you invest into children, because they will turn out the way they will turn out. The truth is that TRUE Character can be instilled, and once it is settled in someone it is hard to change the tide. None of us know the complete reality of who our children are, and if we add a bit of nonesense, and a bit of addiction, and a bit of this old habit, or this bad habit, and say that in the end it will do no harm...but how then do you paint the picture of your child's life. We can't all be perfect, but a conscious effort will be seen by our children and they will try to genuinely be caring people with good character.

It is a gift to raise a child to be a person who inspires trust, and who is seen as a person of character, and a person who genuinely does their best to take care of the responsibilities that they have. If we do all we can then we have given our child a true gift, because at the end of the day it will bring them success, honor, and a life of caring that will surround them. It is what I wish for my son, from a mother's heart. It is what I truly want for my son.

Easter Eggs

What I learned Today?

Today I learned about Easter Eggs

And about a story that is very true

At Easter time I run and play to find Easter Eggs

But I know they mean much more

Did you know? That the Easter eggs mean new life

I spend time decorating them to make them sparkle bright

I make them look special

To take time to remember

Jesus and the gift of life He gave

So, 12 days before Easter, each day is special

Because, each day holds a story of Jesus Love

About the Easter Blessing

And the Gift of new life that Jesus Gave

So, with each day

So, with each story

So, with each egg I make

I remember, the special gift of new life

So, remember that Easter means new life

Just like an egg holds life

New life sparkles just like my Easter Eggs

New life, love, and forgiveness – that is What Easter is

Written for my son who is learning more and more every day about Jesus, and what He means…A Mother (March 19, 2007)

Good Faith

Its funny how people are...I warned someone that I could not deal with the things that they were wanting me to deal with right now...I have too many things to sort out emotionally (some grief, some commitments, other things are just pressures from school to be done my classes this term, along with a whole pile of other issues).

It fell on deaf ears, and it ended badly...as I knew it would...because the agenda that was presented and the reasons for the agenda were not honest, there was a hidden agenda, and that is unfortunate.

It is irrelavant now though, and the reality is that simple conversations escalated and went from bad to worse. I just don't have any more emotionally to try to make it better right now.

I suppose me knowing that doesn't matter at all, and at least for now things have stopped. I just wanted rest for awhile, and now perhaps even if it was in a bad way, I will have a rest until June. It was not the way I had originally asked for the rest, but life goes on, and we just survive the bruises it gives.

Being understood to me means that if I ask for space to grieve and I explain in a meaningful way why then the actions should follow that I am understood. Perhaps I have the wrong understanding of being understood.

It is funny I work with many groups of people and we negotiate terms and conditions all the time in order to come to an agreement to act in good faith, and this all felt like it was just the opposite of good faith.

If the parties agree, and the agreements are constantly broken or challenged or threatened then that is not deemed good faith. It does not matter how many smiles people come to the table with or how many compliments are shared, if the action does not follow suit with what was promised or agreed to then that is seen as bad faith. We never approach a group of people by stating in writing that we make a commitment to act properly and respectfully and that we will hold up our part of the bargain, and then months later break our word as it suits us or as we see it needs to suit us to break the bargain because now we feel like it is no longer convenient for us anymore. The changing of agreements is done mutually and with all of the information necessary, and good faith stands when things are done up front. We do not inform each other that it is inconvenient for us to act in good faith anymore, therefore we will not be acting in good faith. What a destroying thing that would be if we came to the table and that was the kind of people we really were "all talk, but broke our agreements when it is convenient for us to do so."

My son is the most important part of my life, and it hurts intensely when things like this keep happening on top of what I am already sorting through emotionally.

I talked to my counsellor about it, and he said that I need to be careful not to consume me, and this is my way of shelving it. It is hard, but that is what I do on a routine basis right now, I tend to shelve things because I don't have the emotional space to work things out. I just don't want all of the boxes to fall on me. I want to be able to get through them and leave them behind one by one instead once and for all. Maybe someday, perhaps, maybe...

Anyway, back to trying to read at least a few pages a night on "The Speed of Trust"...

I just got a call from someone who was close to my mom, and we get calls quite often where people will mention her, but there are those significant calls where people were really close to her.

We just talked a little about her and cried, because we miss my mom so much...it helps to get through these times to be able to talk with those that loved her that much and just cry a bit...I loved my mom...she went through so much in her life, and never lost her smile...she was not one for many words, but the times she shared she was able to help those that were hurting...my mom and her mom (my grandma) were very alike...they went through times of extreme hardship and never broke and never lost their quiet ways or their smiles...I remember my grandmother sharing with me things that she says that she never told anyone else...I wish I was as strong as both of them...I miss them so much...I can't even put into words how this feels, I wanted to take time to remember them and not have to worry about other things as much, I have to concentrate on school, my job, and my son, but I wanted to be relieved of the other demands so that I could have the time to remember...

I thought that wasn't too much to ask...it apparently was...life will go on, and maybe someday I will have mercy to do just that have time to take time to remember...

The Speed of Trust (READ IT...a golden book)

Here is my next book that I think I will force time to read, I feel compelled to read it, and the title intrigues me...

I understand deeply what this topic is, and have a hard time in this area because of being burned...

Well, here is my crack at re-building again, anyway...next steps...

Other Reading...

Well, I have picked up a plethera of books...well maybe not a plethera, but a few anyway...

I just got my latest purchase in the mail called The 7 habits of Highly Effective Families.

I also bought a pre-curser book to this one, I think it was called 7 habits of Highly effective people...

Anyway, at some point, I am going to be able to delve into these...My boyfriend is coming this summer and it would be nice to have some of this read and be able to feel a little more normal again before he gets here.

Reading is great it is the implementation that is hard, in emotional life...

Anyway, off to the races again...

No Formula to Grief

Even though I found this article on grieving even I
know there is no real formula to grief One goes
through certain stages in grief, but there is no
cut and dry you will go through phase one for a
week and then phase two for two weeks and phase
three for another week.

It is just not the reality of grieving, but
losing in four areas in the last year and a
half really brings this back to me again, as
I was faced with a request from someone
when I had asked for space to grieve, but
did not get that space.

I thought in that I would have been
granted at least a four month reprieve
from having to deal with anything that
needed any extreme attention, but
I guess that is not going to happen.

Anyway, here is the article, and here
I am wishing I could have a reprieve, but
somehow knowing that
it really won't be a reality...

I needed the emotional space, and thought
that is was not too much to ask...its
too bad that going through a divorce, losing
my mother, grandmother (mother's mom)
and my adopted grandmother and having my
mom's father in the hospital is
not enough for this person to allow
me space to grieve.

It made me sadder today, I wonder when
I will deserve mercy to grieve for
my loved ones...I suppose there are those
 that don't get that mercy either,
I just wished I had that mercy...maybe
someone still believes deeply that it
it is not that person's family so it
is not that person's problem...

If someone close to you has died, you may be feeling
many different emotions. You may be sad, worried, or
scared. You might be shocked, unprepared, or confused.
You might be feeling angry, cheated, relieved, guilty,
exhausted, or just plain empty. Your emotions might be
stronger or deeper than usual or mixed together in
ways you've never experienced before.

You might also notice that your loss is affecting what
you're thinking about and how you behave. If you're
grieving, you might be having trouble concentrating,
sleeping, eating, or feeling interested in the things
you usually enjoy. You might be trying to act like you
feel OK (even if you don't) because you want to be
strong for someone else. And you may wonder if you
will ever get over losing someone who means so much to
you.

All of these emotions can be natural reactions to the
death of someone close. They're part of the process of
grieving.
What Is Grief?

Grief is the emotion people feel when they experience
a loss. There are many different types of loss, and
not all of them are related to death. A person can
also grieve over the breakup of an intimate
relationship or after a parent moves away from home.

Grief is a natural reaction to the loss of someone
important to you. Grief is also the name for the
healing process that a person goes through after
someone close has died. The grieving process takes
time, and the healing usually happens gradually.

Although everyone experiences grief when they lose
someone, grieving affects people in different ways.
How it affects you partly depends on your situation
and relationship with the person who died.

The circumstances under which a person dies can
influence grief feelings. For example, if someone has
been sick for a long time or is very old, you may have
expected that person's death. Although it doesn't
necessarily make it any easier to accept (and the
feelings of grief will still be there), some people
find that knowing someone is going to die gives them
time to prepare. And if a loved one suffered a lot
before dying, a person might even feel a sense of
relief when the death occurs. If the person who has
died is very young, though, you may feel a sense of
how terribly unfair it seems.

Losing someone suddenly can be extremely traumatic,
though, no matter how old that person is. Maybe
someone you know died unexpectedly - as a result of
violence or a car accident, for example. It can take
a long time to overcome a sudden loss because you may
feel caught off guard by the event and the intense
feelings that are associated with it.

Losing someone because he or she committed suicide can
be especially difficult to deal with. People who lose
friends or family members to suicide may feel intense
despair and sadness because they feel unable to
understand what could have led to such an extreme
action. They may even feel angry at the person - a
completely normal emotion. Or they could feel guilty
and wonder if there was something they might have done
to prevent the suicide. Sometimes, after a traumatic
loss, a person can become depressed and may need extra
help to heal.

If you've lost someone in your immediate family, such
as a parent, brother, or sister, you may feel cheated
out of time you wanted to have with that person. It
can also feel hard to express your own grief when
other family members are grieving, too. Some people
may hold back their own grief or avoid talking about
the person who died because they worry that it may
make a parent or other family member sad.

Grief can cause some people to feel guilty for no
reason. Depending on the circumstances, some people
might wonder if something they did - or didn't do -
caused the person's death. Others might think if only
they had been better people that their loved ones
might not have died. These things aren't true, of
course - but sometimes feelings and ideas like this
are just a way of trying to make sense of something
that's difficult to understand.

All of these feelings and reactions are OK - but what
can people do to get through them? How long does grief
last? Will things ever get back to normal? And how
will you go on without the person who has died?
Coping With Grief

The grieving process is very personal and individual -
each person goes through his or her grief differently.
Some people reach out for support from others and find
comfort in good memories. Others become very busy to
take their minds off the loss. Some people become
depressed and withdraw from their peers or go out of
the way to avoid the places or situations that remind
them of the person who has died. Just as people feel
grief in many different ways, they handle it
differently, too.

For some people, it may help to talk about the loss
with others. Some do this naturally and easily with
friends and family, others talk to a professional
therapist. Some people may not feel like talking about
it much at all because it's hard to find the words to
express such deep and personal emotion or they wonder
whether talking will make them feel the hurt more.
This is fine, as long you find other ways to deal with
your pain.

A few people may act out their sorrow by engaging in
dangerous or self-destructive activities. Doing things
like drinking, drugs, or cutting yourself to escape
from the reality of a loss may seem to numb the pain,
but the feeling is only temporary. The person isn't
really dealing with the pain, only masking it, which
makes all those feelings build up inside and only
prolongs the grief.

If your pain just seems to get worse, or if you feel
like hurting yourself or have suicidal thoughts, tell
someone you trust about how you feel.
What to Expect

It may feel impossible to recover after losing someone
you love. But grief does get gradually better and
become less intense as time goes by. To help get you
through the pain, it can help to know some of the
things you might expect during the grieving process.

The first few days after someone dies can be intense,
with people expressing strong emotions, perhaps crying
and comforting each other, and gathering to express
their support and condolences to the ones most
affected by the loss.

Family and friends often participate in rituals that
may be part of their religious, cultural, community,
or family traditions - such as memorial services,
wakes, or funerals. These activities can help people
get through the first days after a death and honor the
person who died. People might spend time together
talking and sharing memories about the person who
died. This may continue for days or weeks following
the loss as friends and family bring food, send cards,
or stop by to visit.

Many times, people show their emotions during this
time. But sometimes a person can be so surprised or
overwhelmed by the death that he or she doesn't show
any emotion right away - even though the loss is very
hard. For example, Joey's friends expected he'd be
really upset at his mom's funeral, so they were
surprised that he was smiling and talking with people
as if nothing had happened. When they asked him about
it, Joey said that seeing his friends at the funeral
cheered him up because it reminded him that some
things would still be the same. Joey was able to cry
and talk about how he felt when he was alone with his
dad after the funeral.

Sometimes, when the rituals associated with grieving
end, people might feel like they should be "over it"
because everything seems to have gone back to normal.
When people who are grieving first go back to their
normal activities, it might be hard to put their
hearts into everyday things. Many people go back to
doing regular things after a few days or a week. But
although they may not talk about their loss as much,
the grieving process continues.

It's natural to continue to have feelings and
questions for a while after someone dies. It's also
natural to begin to feel somewhat better. A lot
depends on how your loss affects your life. It's OK to
feel grief for days, weeks, or even longer, depending
on how close you were to the person who died.

No matter how you choose to grieve, there's no one
right way to do it. The grieving process is a gradual
one that lasts longer for some people than others.
There may be times when you worry that you'll never
enjoy life the same way again, but this is a natural
reaction after a loss.
Caring for Yourself

The loss of someone close to you can be stressful. It
can help you to cope if you take care of yourself in
certain small but important ways. Here are some that
might help:

 * Remember that grief is a normal emotion. Know
that you can (and will) heal from your grief.
 * Participate in rituals. Memorial services,
funerals, and other traditions help people get through
the first few days and honor the person who died.
 * Be with others. Even informal gatherings of
family and friends bring a sense of support and help
people not to feel so isolated in the first days and
weeks of their grief.
 * Talk about it when you can. Some people find it
helpful to tell the story of their loss or talk about
their feelings. Sometimes a person doesn't feel like
talking, and that's OK, too. No one should feel
pressured to talk.
 * Express yourself. Even if you don't feel like
talking, find ways to express your emotions and
thoughts. Start writing in a journal about the
memories you have of the person you lost and how
you're feeling since the loss. Or write a song, poem,
or tribute about the person who died. You can do this
privately or share it with others.
 * Exercise. Exercise can help your mood. It may be
hard to get motivated, so modify your usual routine if
you need to.
 * Eat right. You may feel like skipping meals or
you may not feel hungry - but your body still needs
nutritious foods.
 * Join a support group. If you think you may be
interested in attending a support group, ask an adult
or school counselor about how to become involved. The
thing to remember is that you don't have to be alone
with your feelings or your pain.
 * Let your emotions be expressed and released.
Don't stop yourself from having a good cry if you feel
one coming on. Don't worry if listening to particular
songs or doing other activities is painful because it
brings back memories of the person that you lost; this
is common. After a while, it becomes less painful.
 * Create a memorial or tribute. Plant a tree or
garden, or memorialize the person in some fitting way,
such as running in a charity run or walk (a breast
cancer race, for example) in honor of the lost loved
one.

Getting Help for Intense Grief

If your grief isn't letting up for a while after the
death of your loved one, you may want to reach out for
help. If grief has turned into depression, it's very
important to tell someone. How do you know if your
grief has been going on too long? Here are some signs:

 * You've been grieving for 4 months or more and
you aren't feeling any better.
 * You feel depressed.
 * Your grief is so intense that you feel you can't
go on with your normal activities.
 * Your grief is affecting your ability to
concentrate, sleep, eat, or socialize as you normally
do.
 * You feel you can't go on living after the loss
or you think about suicide, dying, or hurting
yourself.

It's natural for loss to cause people to think about
death to some degree. But if a loss has caused you to
think about suicide or hurting yourself in some way,
or if you feel that you can't go on living after your
loss, it's important that you tell someone right away.

Counseling with a professional therapist can help
because it allows you to talk about your loss and
express strong feelings. Many counselors specialize in
working with teens who are struggling with loss and
depression. If you'd like to talk to a therapist and
you're not sure where to begin, ask an adult or school
counselor. Your doctor may also be able to recommend
someone.
Will I Ever Get Over This?

Well-meaning friends and family might tell a grieving
person they need to "move on" after a loss.
Unfortunately, that type of advice can sometimes make
people hesitate to talk about their loss, or make
people think they're grieving wrong or too long, or
that they're not normal. Every person takes his or her
own time to heal after a loss. The way someone grieves
a particular loss and the time it takes is very
individual.

It's important for grieving people to not drop out of
life, though. If you don't like the idea of moving on,
maybe the idea of "keeping on" seems like a better
fit. Sometimes it helps to remind yourself to just
keep on doing the best you can for now. If you feel
sad, let yourself have your feelings and try not to
run away from your emotions. But also keep on doing
things you normally would such as being with friends,
caring for your pet, working out, or doing your
schoolwork.

Going forward and healing from grief doesn't mean
forgetting about the person you lost. Getting back to
enjoying your life doesn't mean you no longer miss the
person. And how long it takes until you start to feel
better isn't a measure of how much you loved the
person. With time, the loving support of family and
friends, and your own positive actions, you can find
ways to cope with even the deepest loss.

Reviewed by: D'Arcy Lyness, PhD
Date reviewed: April 2004