Making the Grade...

This has been a very hard semester in University, and I just received my last breath of air on December 22, 2006. I received one of the grades I had not gotten from my classes. I passed, and my lungs filled up and I felt a great weight lift from off of my shoulders. It has been a long few months and being able to get through my classes is something I can't explain to anyone, it is so relieving...it is truly by God's mercy that I have come this far...

Passing...

I was on my way back from an out of town trip when I called a friend. The call was the delivery of bad news. A friend of mine in was pregnant with her third child, and she was in labor at twenty one weeks. The doctors told her and her husband that they would not do any life saving measures for babies unless they were twenty four weeks, because the baby will not have lungs developed enough to sustain life (in short that was part of what I was told and some of what I was told later).

Although, unexpectedly as I walked into the ward at the hospital I had a sudden rush of memories and feelings wash over me. Yet, I would not have been anywhere else at that moment. I did what I had learned to do which was to box up my reactions, and set them on the shelf and be where I knew I should be. It was unexpected, because I didn't expect to be washed through and through at that moment with old memories, perhaps it was the weariness I felt in my physical body that had me succumb to the feelings a bit. I don't know, but it was a trigger I didn't expect.

My friend and her husband, delivered a baby boy that same night not long after I left her side. My friend and her husband held and dressed their son and gave him a name. I got a call late the next night letting me know that they would be having a funeral and could I please come. It was one of the hardest funerals and experiences I have been through lately. I saw in the eyes of this father someone who was so in love with this baby even though he had never held it. At the graveside a broken heart inside this man who was asked to lower his child into the cold winter earth. My friend and her husband were grieving equally in their own ways, but this is the first time I have ever seen a man who was so deeply connected to his child and who was the kind of father that I have not seen in such a long time.

I have other family friends in B.C. that I would say are like this couple, but they are much older and have raised more than one generation. It was the first time that I had seen the heart of a man on this earth exhibit the very heart that I know that God has towards us in such deep tenderness. It is not a moment where you wish was connected to seeing something like that, because these things are devastating and no one should have to know this pain.

I stood by the grave with everyone else as my friend and her family, which were as many could come on such short notice. We were a small crowd, but there was many tears by everyone when my friend's husband lowered his own baby into the ground. God's heartbeat is inside this man, and I know that it will be shared with his children now and any that will come later. My friend and her family are a treasure, and even though they sorrow now they will be comforted by God and His angels through this tough time.

I am look at my son again today, and know that he is a miracle. All babies are miracles, and it is a treasure that God gives. I love my treasure, and I realize how much of a miracle of life he really is once again.

In Heaven with Jesus

My son said the other day, "Kokum is in the hospital?" I said to him, quietly and as gently as I could, "Kokum is in Heaven with Jesus." He has repeated his question every day to me for the last 3-4 days and every time I tell him the same thing and then I ask him if he is ok, and he always answers me that he is. My mom was here with me until two weeks before she was gone, and I have changed her room into a partial play room for my son. He still says it is "Kokum's room." I know that the question is just a way of him checking out what things will be like, and now he asks to hear stories about Jesus. I know that he is wondering about Jesus, since I have told him that Kokum is with Jesus.

It comforts my son to know that Kokum is with someone that will take care of her. He asked a couple of times if Kokum was still not feeling better, and I told him Kokum is with Jesus and she is all better. He is looking for a way to know that his Kokum is ok. I know that and the first day he started to be very insistent about Kokum was hard, because up until then I have not allowed myself to feel very deeply yet. I can still feel myself holding back and not letting things get very far, but right now there is much to do...

We will go see my Uncle and Aunt over the holidays, and he has decided to call them Uncle Moshum and Auntie Kokum. I know that going forward that it is the way that he is dealing with things and I believe it is best, because at least he then sees that even though Kokum is not here and she is with Jesus that there are still those around us that can be a support regardless.

My angel, I think at the end of the day, his questions are helping me, and acknowleding what he needs helps reinforce it inside of me too.

Thank you God...

David is learning to pray, I bought him a cartoon series where the kids pray throughout the life lessons taught. He has picked up the simple prayer that was incorporated in the cartoon. It is wonderful to have him want to start praying by using this prayer and then make it his very own.

Thank you God as this day end (or begins) for my family and my friends. Thank you...and then he personalizes the prayer, which sometimes I have to giggle, but then he gets after me (but he sounds soooooo sweet)...

My treasure, my son, my angel...

Engrafted Word

I was watching a message today, and the preacher was talking about the engrafted word that is able to save your souls. He made the statement that in order for you to receive a graft you could not do the surgery yourself, and that it hurts and it itches as a sign of healing. The word must be engrafted by someone other than yourself, so it must be engrafted by God or by a man of God, and those that receive it must receive it through meekness. It is true, because you cannot receive it with an arrogant attitude, because there would be no way for you to effectively receive it if you did not fully believe (your body be able to accept the graft without rejecting it) if you did not believe that you needed it.

I was tempted to do an absolute quote from this sermon, perhaps when I have time I will. I have heard this before, but it made deeper sense this time and even more so than it ever has before.