Be Right There...!

I woke up this morning watching the sunrise and waiting for the day once again The movements of the day were like waves of the sea, and sometimes they crashed over the memories and moments that have always been I laid down tonight watching the sunset wondering how long it will be until the waves of your life and mine will mark the same land again The days have come and gone and my mind moves on, but every once in a while I remember, and wonder where you have been

Friends are like waves of the sea that mark the shore of your life and when the sea rolls out of reach and the shore changes the land of your life changes I will be right here always, I will continue right here always, I will be your friend always, and I will remember always The treasure of the sea, the treasure of life, the treasure of tomorrow are friends who make there mark in your life, for a lifetime A lifetime of knowing, a lifetime of acknowledging, a lifetime of being a part of someone other than ourselves Its the small things that we do that mark the shores of others lives, its the simple things we do that writes on their hearts, and its the gentle moments that carry us through to another tomorrow. So, until the daybreak comes, until the sunset and the sunrise brings that day when the waves of our lives mark the same shore again...I will be right here...and remain your friend.

Safety

Its a funny thing...when the world gets hooked on something...(ie. a chat site, or etc.)...the tool becomes the one in control I think...there is a site that I sent a notice to people I know that has been verified as un secure and has had identity theft happen there...too high an incidence...I actually used the site, and felt uncomfortable myself...personal privacy...seemed non-existent...so I de-activated the account...and then found out how un secure it really was...but I found that some love the site, and insist that it is ok...but I guess that is what I have come to realize...that when the tool is in control it is hard to let go...I like my privacy though...so I will stick to what I feel good about.

Capable

What makes a person fully capable? Is it experience, past success, the confidence that comes with knowing that you will not be challenged while trying to make something work? Someone said they did not feel capable to me, and I suppose my experience has been that none of these are requirements...if you fail, and learn from the mistake, you are still capable...if you desire to make something work, but still do not do it perfectly...it does not mean you are not capable...the lack of doing is what makes someone without capacity...at times and at most people learn by doing...the reality is, that sometimes no matter how many times you do something you may never be the expert, but at least you know there is a good way to go about it...anyway...I don't feel very capable today, but I know I am willing, and for that I know I have ability and capacity to move forward...

Pictures

Well, I let my son take pictures, and he is pretty good for a four year old...LOL...anyway the pic of me here is one of his...he is doing good learning what the settings on a simple camera do...he loves it...especially when I develop his little adventure and he takes a look...maybe he will catch the photo bug too...what a little man

Awesome....!!!!

Well, I got a confirmation today that I have my tickets for convocation, things are definitely moving very quickly. I am gonna blink and the day will be here. I guess now I can take time to enjoy the moment...Wow!

Tickets for Convocation

Well, I finally found the way to request tickets on-line, and it seemed to accept my request...Glitch...I was sent an e-mail that said the deadline to request tickets was October 12, 2007...it seemed funny to me because the Administrative Office said that they would not even be mailing out the official letters to confirm convocation until this same date... anyway all in all I did what I could and we will see what happens...Oh Well....

Convocation

Convocation is October 27 and I am uncertain of how much of it I will be able to be part of ...I am in the middle of a busy time...not sure how this will work... guess I better see how this works.

Watching Foreign Movies

I have to say that foreign movies are my favorite...they always have a strange mix of reality, fantasy, humor and sadness...there are times when I think I need all of these things...it just seems comforting at times...I feel closer to this place also, it seems so strange to be caught up in the world around me...it helps me to slow down...I am uncertain why, but to each their own...eh?

Found a Home

Wow! I have found a home and what a relief, now just the logistics of transitioning and moving. I will be moved for certain by November 20, 2007, but maybe sooner.

Well, it just feels good!

Finding a Home

So, now the renovating is done...and what I had hoped to take a little over a week took almost 3 weeks. I have to admit although I spent every moment possible on this reno it just could not have gotten done any faster unless someone was hired to do it and work on it all day long for a good length of time.

All in all is was a good learning experience, and now I am going to have to find a place to live too. I had a place lined up, but found out the neighbors were not very good for children...so of course I didn't bother with that. I am back at square one with that...I made some financial adjustments hoping to get into affordable housing, but that fell apart too...now I need the money I let go of, but...there is nothing I can do to change that either...

So, in the long haul, I am getting used to some financial constraints, and need to find a place to live...I can't wait to find a place and relieve this weight I feel inside...

Here we go again, just more transitions...oh well...

Renovating

My friend and I are painting the condo I am living in, as it is going to be sold. I never thought that the things that we are doing to renovate were going to be so simple, but the salesperson at the paint store was so helpful that things seemed like it was going to be manageable. I actually have to give most of the credit to my friend who has been such a big help and I don't think I would have been able to get through this week without him.

A big shout out to my friend, "Perhaps," he is the best friend ever! Ha Ha Ha...Anyway, keeping busy and hoping to find a place to live soon too.

Applying to Graduate

So, here I am I have this in the back of my head to apply for my grad since I found out about passing my last class. It has been so busy and today was the first day that I have had a moment to do anything for my self, and just my luck the deadline to apply to graduate is tomorrow, WOW!...so needless to say I made a good effort to get it in today, under the wire...Woo Hoo!

Anyway, What luck Eh!

Relief in Spades

So, I wrote my last final for my degree, and I just found out "I pass"...my official grade will come later, but for now the relief I feel can be tied up in one phrase "relief in spades."

I feel so set free emotionally, and so set free physically, and so set free with regards to my time and life in general. I had such plans and have such plans for the time I can now invest with everything even more for my son, and the time I can now invest in me...I can finally work on me, and healing me, and my world as it were.

This summer and all of its challenges and all of its frustration has come to a close and this part of my life is at its sunset, and I am not sad, but I am ecstatic to be able to move on and have this done. I have projects that have been put on hold and things to do for my son that I can now pour my energy into, and not to forget I can spend some time just investing in healing my own physical body more, and restoring my soul.

Sounds like a mouthful, or future full, but at this point, I see a new morning, a new horizon, and a new and better day, and right now that I have had at least 4 nights of good rest between me and the end of this long hard road I have taken a good breath, and feel like I can take the moment it actually takes to take that breath in slowly and really enjoy taking a good breath of air in and enjoy how my lungs feel...what a difference!

I can't captivate how I feel in words, but it is so good...and maybe that is how I should just state it simply...it is just so good.

Good Words for a Tired Soul...

A Church goer wrote a letter to the editor of a newspaper and complained that it made no sense to go to church every Sunday. "I've gone for 30 years now," he wrote, "and in that time I have heard something like 3,000 sermons. But for the
life of me, I can't remember a single one of them. So, I think I'm wasting my time and the pastors are wasting theirs by giving sermons at all."

This started a real controversy in the "Letters to the Editor" column, much to the delight of the editor. It went on for weeks until someone wrote this clincher:

"I've been married for 30 years now. In that time my wife has cooked some 32,000 meals. But, for the life of me, I cannot recall the entire menu for a single one of those meals. But I do know this. They all nourished me and gave me the strength I needed to do my work. If my wife had not given me these meals, I would be physically dead today. Likewise, if I had not gone to church for nourishment, I would be spiritually dead today!"

When you are DOWN to nothing.... God is UP to something!

Faith sees the invisible, believes the incredible and receives the impossible!

Thank God for our physical AND our spiritual nourishment!"

All right, now that you're done reading, send it on!

I think everyone should read this! "When Satan is knocking at your door, simply say, "Jesus, could you get that for me?"

Protocol for Children's Birthdays

So, I was calling a few of the parents of my son's friends. Along the way I talked to a friend during this and they mentioned that "you will probably only invite the 4 year olds anyway right?"

I had not thought of that, since my son gets along with a wide range of children in the age group category. I actually just wrote down the names of the kids that he mentioned that he wanted there without thinking about how old they were.

Is there some unspoken protocol out there that says that you stick to your child's age group when planning a children's Birthday party? That was the question in my mind, and of course there must be somewhere, but I said to my friend that I had already invited the children that my son named and that did not mean they were 4 years old...

Actually, it doesn't matter to me and I know it does not matter to my son, so I guess we are outide of protocol on this one...I guess I just never knew and never thought there were expectations of anyone.

Doesn't matter though, I will be glad to welcome any of his friends who wish to celebrate with them even if they are not 4 years old.

Actually, he even has adults that he treasures and they are coming too, hummmmm, but I think they are not a part of the children's age protocol thing...at least I am not aware of it...

Funny thing, I think this is where my world (kinship society) and the mainstream just collide, and I choose not to follow the mainstream...

Anyway, it was interesting...

Smoovey Moves

Here is my son...just a dancing away, and having a blast, and he says "Mommy, Mommy, I have smoovey moves, and continues to do his little...smoovey move." I just about lost it I laughed so hard.

I wish I had taped him, it was such a great sight too see...

I luv my bundle of joy!

God Tells Me Not To Eat

So, I think it is humanity even when we are young to try to alude to the fact that God would be the one to tell us we are to do something or direct us, when in reality it is just us trying to convince ourselves or others that it is divne that we should do something.

So, here is my son today and anounces to me when I said that he needs to eat supper, "God Tells Me Not To Eat." He laughed and ran away, and I had to laugh, and then scold him and let him know that he should not tell me that in that way. It was a joke, and I had the small thought about it, and shook my head.

Little boys and their rationality, they are a treasure.
LOL

Birthday...

Well, my son's Birthday is coming up quickly, and I still haven't decided on how we are going to do this. LOL...I dunno, I guess the first thing is that I am narrowing down who he wants there. I know that he wants to see his Uncle Mushom and Auntie Kokum, but for the rest of it...I am semi prepared as I have all the gifts and accessories.

I guess I will sort the final details this weekend...my bad...this summer has just flown by...

Oh Well,

Research

I had to go to the University Bookstore yesterday to see if I could get a book, but alas it was not there...but I took another little adventure instead...which is my ritual when I end up there.

I went to look at the children's books, crafts, and other fun things they seem to stock. I picked up a puzzle for my son and some First Nations story books for him. It was great I get to read to my son and buy some books in order to research what is already out in the market for First Nations Children's books at the same time.

I sat down to read them all last night, and by the end I was so relaxed that I actually just wanted to go to bed. Isn't that the way a bedtime story should feel I thought to myself. A nice little story that makes you feel like you are relaxed and whole.

Anyway, food for thought...I will look around some more, and with my meanderings I will be able to read my son a few wonderful stories too...

Cree Prophecy

When all the trees have been cut down,

when all the animals have been hunted,

when all the waters are polluted,

when all the air is unsafe to breathe,

only then will you discover you cannot eat money.

Cree Prophecy

Little Ones today and Little Men tomorrow

I was reading my son a devotional for kids, and the simple lesson was that sometimes people do things they should not do, and we can't do anything about it, but what we can do is to choose to play with someone safer.

It was quite a simple lesson, and I liked it. As adults we choose the same thing, if someone is not good for us in our lives and they just get us in trouble we can choose to be with someone else who will make more positive impacts in our lives.

It is a small lesson now, but my 3 year old will be a 10 year old and my 10 year old will be a 14 and 16 year old when these choices become alot harder. It is easier for him to learn how making better choices now, than to suddenly only learn that for the first time when he is older. It is just like the lesson that what you put inside emotionally is what you will be emotionally.

My son doesn't know how to make those choices right now for himself about inputing things emotionally so that he will be a better little man, so that is my job as a parent to watch what is a positive for him and a negative. He reacts differently to different things because of his life experiences. It is sad that a three year old has already major experiences that impact him this deeply, but it does because of divorce. He is alright, but there are things that bother him that don't bother other kids just because of it. He will never watch Shrek because of it, and not entirely because of the cartoon itself but because of Shrek 3 really.

I had asked friends about the movie, but you know other kids don't go through the same thing as your own so you can't always know...but now I do...so I know better.

If I let him watch whatever and didn't care and never had any boundaries on what went into him I would end up with a whole load of behavioural problems. It would not just be a huge thing to deal with for me but it would also be a problem for my son, because he is not old enough to understand that what he is watching is what is causing him problems. My son would also have other issues at pre-school, which has happened from time to time, and I have done what I know how to do to help him through and make changes too. It is not anyone else's fault, but it is the environment that I allow and that environment that I have to correct after the fact at times that I have to work with, and lovingly do.

It is not a gift to our children to blame the world for their idiosyncracies, and teach them it is us against the world, because then it is a lesson that the they have a right to act poorly and to treat people poorly and that our children do not have a responsibility to be well themselves.

It is not a good lesson for success, so in my own small ways, I am glad for little stories that help me teach my son in a simple way that there are simple choices that we can make to make our lives better. To add to that it is up to me to help him make better choices and understand in small ways that if he is scared of something that he can say so, and not have to agree with anyone else just because and choose not to watch something too.

He will be a very understanding little man and a very sensitive one, and that is not bad, because he is my son and I understand that he gets some of the sensitivity from me so I have to help him manage that better too.

Life is a learning time, moment to moment to moment, and we are just the guides along the way, and the people responsible for helping to keep our little ones safe, the best we can...

Being Greatful

I have a friend from work who just had her baby 6 weeks ago, and they discovered that her little girl had complications. Today, her little one has gone through a major operation, and thankfully is doing extremely well for being put through something so hard.

I have heard about so many mothers recently that have gone through such hard times with their children because of ailment. It makes you appreciate the health that your child enjoys...

Life is fragile, and it is amazing every time I think about how blessed I am that my son is well...

New to Me

Well, around about May 4, 2007 my radiator blew up and my transmission cooked. I had gotten an oil change at one of those 10 minute places, and they checked my transmission fluid, and they did not put things back together properly. So, my truck would have costed $6000.00 to get fixed and I would have had to wait 3 weeks before I got it back, and I was in Calgary on a trip for work.

I was going to trade my 11 year old truck in after I was done paying for it, but to my dismay things happened. I made the decision to see if they had any used trucks that would be affordable for me to get instead. I thought if nothing else if I could not then I would rent one to get home.

I was fortunate to get a "new to me" vehicle (it is used). I have always felt that getting a used vehicle is to my advantage, because you will get it for half the price. So, that is what I did, and they refinanced what I had left on the old truck and helped me out. At the end of the day I was not dis-heartened but was glad that things worked out. My son and I were safe and things were not tragic and in the end I have a vehicle that is truly road worthy. My truck gave me some good safe years of driving, and it was unfortunate that I was not able to keep it for a couple more years. I liked that truck, but things do happen. My son misses the old truck more than I do though, he refers to it sometimes.

I had feedback from some wondering why I wasn't severely upset. I would have been truly upset if I had just bought the truck, but since it was 11 years old and seen its days and I had put so many miles on it I just felt I should let it go. If you have to put more money into the truck than its worth it is time to let go. Maybe that it a lesson for the rest of life too...LOL

Anyway, to my new sunroof, and CD Player, Tape machine and MP3 player in my truck...I don't see the need, but I guess it is standard in vehicles from this decade and someday I may even get around to using you, but for today, my son is the one who enjoys the sunroof even more than any of the adults who ride in the vehicle.

Kids and their toys...eh!

I know I have gotten a truly good deal when this truck gets to be 12 years old and I am still driving it wherever I need to be...!

Maybe I better wait to see how long my boyfriend keeps his vehicle, ...LOL

Anyway, enough analagies

Voices Passing Away

We had a staff meeting today, and someone told us of two First Nation Senators who passed away. The one was very vocal about First Nations youth working hard and making their own determination to make their way in this society. He was a very strong voice to inspire the youth to help them go forward and give themselves a positive future. The other Senator was a strong pillar in her First Nation and having her voice pass away will be something that the community she is from will miss very much.

I am going to a funeral tomorrow of my adopted sister's brother who was in his 40's. He was young, and had not finished cutting his positive pathway in life. It was a life cut abruptly short.

We are not guaranteed tomorrow, so today is all we are promised. Can we take care of what we are given? Can we be trusted to use the moments we have to leave a positive legacy behind that is so strong that it is felt when we are gone?

Nutritionist and Dietician

I had an appointment with a Nutritionist/Dietician, and found out that I am under-eating. It was something I don't know if I believe. Perhaps, it could be the case, but I suppose I am not the expert. I was informed that because of the way I under-eat it does not help my system.

I really don't have time to monitor the problem right now, so I am starting a program where the Nutitionist/Dietician will do that for me. Hopefully, this will help my health overall and help me to get back to my normal self again. I haven't been that for a few years now, and it is a priority for me to get back to who I am again.

It probably sounds trivial to some, but it is frustrating to me right now. I am hoping that it will also aleviate some stress that I feel because I will finally have positive help. I realize now that in order to succeed I need positive support that is genuinely there for my benefit, and without emotional punishment if I am having difficulty.

I know that I don't have to do it for anyone else but me...but right now I need to do this so that I am happy to be me again...

I don't really dwell on these things very much, because I am so driven and focussed on my son, work, and school right now. Yet, when school is done I want to be able to know that I have gotten somewhere with my health as well.

Disposable Society

I caught a bit of a show that my dad was watching today when I went home to get my son his dinner.

The show was on many things, but at the end of the day the basic question I had was "How much have we allowed society to become so disposable that there is no commitment to anything anymore?"

Society in its laws, and its emotional make-up and its support systems has become one that has built a foundation around the thought formula that "Don't let anyone feel badly for what they have done and don't let them feel remorse for the choices they make."

Each time I have read reports, and every time I hear about the way that courts make decisions, just supports these factors.

If we took one giant step back and evaluated what we have done and the decisions that we prefer, and evaluate it against what REALLY happens to children, youth, and to others I think we would suddenly question the celebration that everyone lives in where people live in a society where we "Don't let anyone feel badly for what they have done and don't let them feel TRUE remorse for the choices they make."

We become adults and suddenly what we lived through, becomes not so bad, because for some they pick up the baggage that parents left behind and passed on to the next generation who is us.

We at some point in our lives vowed that we would give something better to our children for their legacy, but at the end of the day as a society get caught up with, "Don't let anyone feel badly for what they have done and don't let them feel TRUE remore for the choices they make."

So, where does the cycle end? It ends with a choice knowing that it is ok to feel badly enough about bad choices and feel enough remorse to make a change that moves us this next generation away from the traps of the past and TRULY give our children a chance without abuse, addictions, and all of the negative things that caused us pain as children.

If society was not allowed to dispose of things so easily and had to face things instead, what would that look like?

What legacy would this create for those who count the most, our children who don't have a voice, because at the end of the day it is our children who have to truly endure our choices...

Personality Test

I took a test, and this was my evaluation, I think it was pretty close to who I feel I am:


Risk Averse (X), High Energy (A), Optimistic (O), Seeks Predictability (P)
The X in this profile is a very important factor and should usually, but not always, be a match. This person takes it slower in love, but is generally an intense kind of person. This means that even though this is a Type A kind of person, they are unlikely to be romantically impulsive. This person doesn't want a lot of dramatic dead-end love affairs rotating in and out of their life because of a head-over-heels number. This person wants serious relationships. Generally, this person knows what they like and is confident once they make up their mind, things have a very good chance of working out well. They want a person who has their approach to life in general, a relationship built around friends, favorite places and monogamy.

Flexible, Compromiser, Temperate, Extrovert
This person is the universal connector. They get along with just about everyone, except possibly a serious introvert, if they are an extreme extrovert. But, they will do well with almost anyone, except someone looking for a highly structured life with a dominating type who will direct the relationship. This person might enjoy someone who is a bit more intense and more dominant than them. They are flexible enough to meet the challenge! In any case, this person has the tools to be a great partner: They are not insecure in relationships, like to work with someone on creating a life together, don't get upset easily, seek intimacy and open up their heart to a partner. What's not to love? This person has to be careful to not let the occasional dominating kind of person mistake their good will for weakness.

It was an interesting test to say the least, some of the questions seemed a bit odd, but I guess every test has its querks.

Anyway, I don't know that I agree with all the assumptions, but much of it makes sense.

But that is what you get when you do tests that are prepared to be taken by so many...

Bell's Palsy

WHAT IS BELL'S PALSY?
Bells palsy is a condition that causes the facial muscles to weaken or become paralyzed. It's caused by trauma to the 7th cranial nerve, and is not permanent.

My dad was experiencing stroke like symptoms since Friday, and when he finally went to the doctor and told me what is happening the doctor told him that it might be a minor stroke or Bell's Palsy. The doctor said that he hoped it was Bell's Palsy as it is minor and the damage is recoverable for most of what is suffered.

It is a virus in the brain stem, and causes the symptoms stated above. The symptoms are more extensive than the description above, and it takes anywhere from weeks to 18 months to recover.

My son was very worried when my dad had to leave for a few days awhile ago, and the extent of how much that upset him flooded back to me when the doctor said his first priority was to rule out a stroke. My son could not take something this hard at this time, but we are extremely relieved that it is something recoverable and that it is not life threatening at this time.

I made sure that my son was not aware of what was going on, as I knew that it would scare him too much. My son doesn't like the doctor or the hospital anymore as it has taken too many people that he dearly loved from him. I am still working on him to help him understand that doctors and hospitals are not just a place where your loved ones just go away forever.

My son doesn't let me go too far anymore, and I still re-assure him that I am alright and I will always be there for him. It is such a big thing for him to have to work through, and at best I don't try to make him understand, it is more about allowing him to feel what he is going through and let him know it is alright.

He is a very strong little boy, and I just want him to have some relief from things that are not a child's to have to endure. It is the reason why I help him through things the way I do, I don't expect him to be forced to understand or carry adult problems, but allow him to feel what he needs to and know that I am here when he wants to get through the emotions he needs too.

He is still able to be a child that way, and I feel he is able to have a childhood that way too.

Pre-School Graduation

Well, I wasn't given very many details just a little note with a few sentences on it saying that my son would need to wear black pants, white shirt, and a black tie as he was to be paticipating in the Pre-School Graduation on June 3, 2007. So, as any good mother would I commenced the hunt to find a little black tie and a white shirt, because you just don't buy a white shirt for my son's age it just won't stay white. Anyway, so I commenced the hunt, and at first I wasn't certain I would find what I needed but alas I did. My son was sooooooo excited to pick out a couple of belts too and feel like a real little man. So in the excitement I bought him a couple of little suit jackets too, just becuase he was so enthralled with dressing up so...

It was alot of fun, I told my boyfriend about it, and I could hear how proud he was of my son too. It was a great moment.

The day was stressful for other reasons, but putting those things aside my son did so well and I am so proud of him. At two moments he could have chosen to cry, but instead he was my brave little man and listened so well and got through everything he was directed to do by his teachers.

It is moments like these that will be bitter sweet for the rest of our lives, perhaps one day the bitter part will be so little though that the sweet part will override the stressful parts.

We watched the video and the only thing that my son kept saying the whole time was "where are you in the movie mommy?" I thought he would have focussed on other things, and I kept assuring him that I was taking his picture, and right there too. I am not sure why he worries so...I am always there, perhaps it is his way of just making sure...

I thought about having someone take out picture together after it was all over but it had started to rain and I barely got a picture of my son holding his little Graduation Certificate for the year and getting him to smile for me too. Oh, well, there are other days, and we had a nice day after the rain stopped, we spent the day outside getting him to learn how to pedal his bike properly.

Freedom Writers

"Freedom Writers" is based on a true story, and I just finished watching it today on my day off. It was very well done and moving. It supported what I have known about people, sometimes you have to bring the truth to them in an unappologetic way and then once you get a place to start a commitment to change can happen.

It was a real story about how the world really changes, we make a choice, make the commitment and put as I put it "feet to our prayers."

It is not just words or prayers that change the world and move this generation it is also action.

It was truly a good movie.

Rent it, and Watch it.

Listening

For years now I have heard the Elders talk about what leads to healing within the communities, but time and time again I see the words land on deaf ears. I also hear empty words spoken by this generation, where they speak about wanting to change the world or create a different legacy.

How do you change the future? If you don't want to get the same results then you have to do things differently. I have heard this statement over and over and over again. The next one I have engrained in my head is that if you require nothing you will get nothing.

Today, once again, I heard the Elders get adamant and very clearly state what they walked away from "completely," in order to change the tide and to enter a time of healing for their children in order to change the generation they could influence.

It came back to things that many addicts make excuses to keep a part of their lives, and they spoke over and over and over again today. If heaven could have rumbled and thundered with their words it would have broken from their cry. They said over and over again...I changed my life, and I left drinking, smoking, drugs and other abuses behind, I changed my life, in order to change and have a life of healing for my children.

I am disliked by some because I have a zero tolerance for alcohol for my life and the life I expose my son to, and I am highly criticized for this. Yet, the cry of the Elders is not quiet in the corner, and it is not silent in their homes, it is clear and distinct...it is, this generation, MUST CHANGE THEIR LIVES. It is to SAVE OUR YOUTH and OUR CHILDREN.

We have the keys and the knowledge to give our children a better legacy, but I know too well why it takes generations to move away from these addictions. If a child is born into severe abuse and alcohol abuse and they are introduced early and on a constant basis with alcohol then they will grow up looking for a way to rationalize the use of alcohol, addictions, and other abuses.

It is hard to change, and it takes generations sometimes in order to get away from this foundation in homes. I have a friend who said that she doesn't look at her family as having a problem when they have to drink until they are blacked out, because she has grown up with it. This person was not physically abused, and grew up drinking from a young age, so the hurt that it causes has not reached the central part of who she it yet. Although, this person describes neglecting her child.

The statistics are high for children who end up in the Foster System because of neglect. So, even though she grew up thinking that the alcohol has not affected her or her life, it is just around the corner if at the wrong moment and the wrong time her child could be taken by the Foster System. I hope within my heart that it never happens, but you cannot convince someone of the pain that they may go through. I have seen so many people who don't get things until they end up with a tragedy from their choices. It is unfortunate that far too many people make excuses and rationalize the need to drink and continue with other abuses instead of remembering the nightmare that they went through because of them.

I have seen generation after generation get swept away because of what I call the "denial file." The denial is necessary, because if you can look away from the very real affects of using alcohol, and continuing with addictions then you can continue to use the things that have control over your life.

It almost had me in tears to listen to the Elders, and then watch some youth laughing at them as they made their statements that they changed because they wanted healing for this generation. The statements ended with saying I did it because I love you. It was hurtful to see them laugh, because after living a lifetime of knowing what these things do this generation as generations before live in a "denial file."

Can we really just dabble in addictions? Can we really make excuses and expect others not to pay the price? Can we remember back to our own childhood which was devastating and remember TRULY why the hurt existed? If we make excuses about it today, will that change tomorrow? If we continue to deal with life from the use of substances that cause abuse can we expect a better legacy? Do we need alcohol, other substances and abuses in order to cope? How can we say that we are who we are and disrespect our Elders? How can we say that we are honoring the truth, and we turn our backs on the TRUTH that they give us?

I hear from some, I am not beating anyone, I am not sexually abusing anyone, I am not doing drugs? All the big items that are considered taboo, but they are neglecting a child, they have no accountability, and there are no boundaries in life...So, if we are spending dollars on alcohol and addictions, but we are still not doing the major taboo items, have we made the change that is necessary to show this generation how to live a life where they have EVERYTHING good that they could have, or have we just dressed the problems down a bit, and wrapped them in different paper. Is the foundation of excuses and level of alcohol use, substance use, addictions, and other abuses at a minimum enough to be dismissed? Although, the truth is that no trauma, pain, or abuse of a child or your family should be minimized and swept under the rug...shouldn't we have a no tolerance policy for abusing the next generation and taking their lives from them before or during their development when they are in our care?

We all go through hardship, but to have this as an excuse...it is not something that should even flow through minds of caregivers. Where does real change begin? One person said it is with a 180 degree turn, which means turning away from those things that fed into the abuse and the pain that was already experienced. It is not indicitive to our people, it is indicitive to all people, to deny, and to want to keep "just a bit," of the addiction.

Yet, if we keep, "just a bit," are we listening?

So, if these are the gifts that are given, what kind of generation have we got...we have 27,000 of our own people in a Foster System and gone from our communities. 80% of the children in care in our lands are our own people. So, if I asked you How is this working for us? How are we measuring up? How is what we are doing making a difference? Have we listened to the Elders? Have we made REAL CHANGE? Yes, poverty, yes, abuse from the past, and yes poor housing...but does that give this generation an excuse when they know how they were destroyed to continue to do the same, and not make resolve to give a different legacy, but way of excuses. We can't change our neighbor, but it DOES start with us. I have zero tolerance for alcohol, I have zero tolerance for substance abuse and I have zero tolerance for physical abuse, and it is my personal choice to have it as such for what I require of myself. I can only put the protection up for my child as the law allows me to do so...I know I cannot protect him from life, but I can provide him a place of safety and a better chance to move forward with less struggles emotionally than I had because of being abused. It is my commitment. What is the commitment of this generation from ourselves to those that we love? Is it REAL change, or is it the same thing as was given to us, but just wrapped differently (minimized addictions)? WHERE IS REAL CHANGE?

I hear about groups that make people feel good, but in all of the feeling good and fuzzy peach feelings I have seen very few people come back to commit to their children. Too many fuzzy feelings, too many excuses, too many its not your fault, and too many people who choose things because they cannot put themself aside long enough to take care of the gift that God gave them, their child.

Life is too short to say to give excuses, life is too short to say I will make things up to them, life is too short when you are so busy writing your denial file that you lose your child.

Today, was a day that I never want to forget

Cloths of Heaven

Cloths of Heaven
~
Had I the heavens’ embroidered cloths,Enwrought with golden and silver light,The blue and the dim and the dark clothsOf night and light and the half light,I would spread the cloths under your feet:But I, being poor, have only my dreams;I have spread my dreams under your feet;Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.
- W.B.Yeats

Two Days to Forget

I have tried my best to forget two days for this year, but somehow it was inevitable that I ended up getting through them most begrudingly...some things I guess will fade with time.

May 11 is the day that my ex-husband left, and May 21 is the day that our divorce became final. I almost made it through yesterday (one year after the divorce was final) without taking note of it.

I took my son to see Shrek 3, and I had asked someone if it would be movie that he would like and they said yes, but it was not really that the content was too old...but there were two things that I didn't know about that impacted my son...the first was there were too many villains together and the scene where that happened was a bit overwhelming for him, but before that, there was a scene where the characters were sitting around and talking about their dads leaving them and how they felt about everything.

My son took this very hard, and started to cry, even at this age and everything I do to try to make him feel differently he still feels things that I cannot fix...

It was what made yesterday so hard, and why I say that we almost made it through. I wish I would have known, but that is not something that people think about I guess when they are evaluating if a movie is ok for your young one.

Anyway, it wasn't anyone's fault, but it made for a harder day for me and my son. I talked him through things and got him to think about other good things, but it will not be a movie that we ever watch again.

Two Classes Left

Well, today is a good day, last night I went to my second last class for my Bachelors's Degree in Commerce. Wow, did it feel great to hear the Professor anounce that we are one third of the way through this class already, and I looked we even get a week's break in between this class. It was so good to hear things. I got my marks back and it is official I made it through last term, and Yes!, I definitely am sooooooo, close to being done.
It is so tremendous to be this close, and it feels great.

Golf

So, today was the first time that I went out with staff and golfed. I actually didn't mind it for the first time, I guess I had a stigma against the game because of thihngs over the past few years. It was actually very nice today though, I was told that I was a natural, and I can shoot very straight and the ball goes where I want it to go. The comment was that I should practice if I like the game because it seems to come naturally to me. I guess I refused to try before because of some things, but it was nice to hear. It is not something that after I have played for the first time and I just want to spend all of my time doing, because as soon as we were done I just wanted to spend time with my son. I got my dad to drive my son out to the Berry Barn and we ran around there. It was when I was with my son again and we were running around that I felt sooooo very good about the day, not that the time with my co-workers wasn't good, but golf was fun for the time while I spent it with them relaxing, but definitely not a passion.

It makes me care about my friend more and more, because we are both just like that...we care about people, and that is first and foremost...
Not that golfers, and other avid sports enthusiasts care less, but I do notice that I don't really tie into anything and allow it to capture me solely...I don't see that as a bad thing either. Although, I should digress, because my son has captured me soley, hmmmm, probably just a perspective thing, now that I really think about it...I just like my friend's perspective a whole lot too...

Life eh!

Repatriation

My son is finally transferred to my Reserve and I feel such a big sigh of relief, it was such a long process. After such a long time of making it happen I finally got the final document today that it was absolutely official. It is an amazing feeling, and there are no words to describe.

The only word that came to mind was repatriation, and I didn't look it up to see what it means literally, but for whatever reason the word came to mind when all of this was finally over.

Anyway, there are other things to do yet, because we want to go and see my boyfriend down south and spend time with him in the fall, but for today, this at least feels like I can take a breath instead of holding it to get this done.

After The Rain

There is a song that goes talks about "After The Rain," that things will begin to begin again, heal, and be restored. It is the basis of the words, and today listening to the rain as it came down this morning felt so good, and walking outside and looking up at the sky was just like getting a hug from Heaven.

I have a wonderful friend in my life, and right now he is my best friend, and the more we talk and the more we support each other it is becoming so wonderful to know that there is someone that cares about me for who I am on the inside, and is supportive of how I honor God and lives life with the same commitment to God that I do.

It is like filling my lungs with clean air, and having the peace and strength to breath once again. It has been a stressful week and my friend is truly my best friend. Today, is a day I wish I could be off just to take some time...but perhaps I will sneak outside later on and enjoy the moment a bit more.

Feeling Safe

I thought that once you get divorced the court documents provide you with some level of comfort or safety.

I have found that they do not, and that it is only a nice agreement on paper that must be strongly defended.

It was a sense of safety and some sort of resolution and peace that I hoped having things legalized would bring, but it has not. I want to feel safe, but I don't...I want to just have the right to get through school and have agreements honored but it is not happening...I want too much I guess...I want to feel safe and know that I will not lose my son, but I don't know if that is something I can trust anymore either...here is where I am at a total loss and the only thing I have is to trust God that He will help...it is a hard thing to completely let go when things like my son are closest to my very being and I don't know whether I can ever feel safe even after it has been legally supported...

I am a good mother, I love my son, and I just want the right to feel safe again...

The Speed Trust - Installment #1 - Excerpts from Stephen M.R. Covey's book

Few things can help an individual more than to place responsibility on him, and to let him know that you trust him.

----Booker T. Washington

Trust is one of the most powerful forms of motivation and inspiration. People want to be trusted. In order to establish, extend, and restore trust---we first need to understand how trust works.

What is it in you that inspires the trust of others?

Trust can be thought of in terms of character----of being a good or sincere person or of having ethics or integrity. Character is absolutely foundational and essential. Trust is a function of two things: character and competence. Character includes your integrity, your motive, your intent with people. Competence includes you capabilities, your skills, your results, your track record. And both are vital.

The 5 Waves of Trust:

#1 – Self Trust: FOUNDATIONAL PRINCIPLE confidence in ourselves—in our ability to set and achieve goals, to keep commitments, to walk our talk—and also with our ability to inspire trust in others. The idea is to become, both to ourselves and to others, a person who is worthy of trust. The Key Principle is credibility, which comes from the Latin root credere, meaning “to believe.” See the “4 Cores of Credibility,” where we will look at ways to increase credibility in order to firmly establish trust with ourselves and with others. The end result of high character and high competence is credibility, judgment, and influence. The 4 Cores of Credibility are:

a. Person of Integrity—that you are honest and congruent (the same inside and out—seamless, listening to the quiet voice of conscience without extrinsic factors being needed to comply), and that you have a reputation for being truthful, that you have humility, and that you would not lie (leaving the right impression). Integrity includes:

i. Integrated-ness, which is walking your talk—being congruent inside and out---having the courage to act in accordance to values and beliefs

• “To me, integrity, the root word, really has to do with the whole man, with character, with completeness and goodness.I think of a man or woman of integrity as someone who is balanced and complete, with high character.A person of principle.”—Sachs

• Whoever is careless with the truth in small matters cannot be trusted with important matters. –Einstein
• What Ghandi thinks, what he feels, what he says, and what he does are all the same…Mahadev Desa

• In the metaphor of the tree integrity is the root, and is vital

<> ii. Humble people are more concerned about what is right than about being right, about acting on good ideas,
than having the ideas, about embracing new truth than defending outdated position, about building, about recognizing contribution. Humble people also know they do not stand alone. The opposite of humility is pride—putting ego first, above principles, above others.
<> iii. Courage to do the right thing—even when it is hard

• <>Courage is the first of the human qualities because it is a quality which guarantees all the others—Churchill

<>How to increase your integrity?—The Three “ACCELLERATORS”

1. <>Find out How much Integrity you really Have.

• Do I genuinely try to be honest in all my interactions with others?
  

• <>Do I typically “walk my talk?”

<>

• <>Am I clear on my values? Do I feel comfortable in standing up for them?

<>

• <>Am I open to the possibility o learning new truths that may cause me to rethink issues or even redefine my values?

<>

• <>Am I able to consistently make and keep commitments to myself?

<>
Then Make and Keep Commitments to Myself
<> <>
2. Stand for Something—Stand for the Right Things

• Be valued and principle based. Know what you stand for, and live by those standards.—Kodak

<>To Believe in Something and not to live it, is dishonest—Ghandi
3. Be Open

• Openness is vital to integrity (It takes humility and courage—humility to acknowledge that there are principles out there you may not currently be aware of, and courage to follow them once you discover them)

• Do I Believe that the way I see the world is totally accurate and complete—or am I honestly willing to listen to and consider new viewpoints and ideas?

• Do I seriously consider differing points of view, and am I willing to be influenced by them?

• Do I believe there may be principles that I have not yet discovered? Am I determined to live in harmony with them, even if it means developing new thinking patterns and habits?

• Do I value—am I involved in—continual learning?

To the degree which you remain open to new ideas, possibilities, and growth, you create a trust dividend; to the degree you do not, you create a trust tax that impacts both your current and future performance.

b. Good Intent—that you’re not trying to deceive, that you don’t have any hidden agenda that would taint good faith

Ø In law, a man is guilty when he violates the rights of another: In ethics, he is guilty if he only thinks of doing so.—Kant

<> i. Straightforward motives and based on mutual benefit---when we genuinely care not only for ourselves, but
also for the people we interact with (hidden agendas destroys this; integrity and intent are matters of character)

Ø Intent matters

• Ø It grows out of character
• Ø While we tend to judge ourselves by our intent, we tend to judge others by their behavior
• Ø We also tend to judge others’ intent based on our own paradigm and experience
• Ø Our perception of intent has a huge impact on trust
• Ø People often distrust us because of the conclusions they draw about what we do

• Ø It is important for us to actively influence the conclusions others draw by “declaring out intent.”

• Ø While our motives and agendas are deep inside in our own hearts and minds, they become visible to others through our behaviors and as we share them with others.

• Ø Intent is Vital to Trust

• Ø How often do I discount (or “tax”) what someone says because I am suspicious about that person’s intent?

• Ø What kind of tax are we all paying because of lack of trust?

• Ø What kind of tax am I paying because others question my intent?

• Ø What can I do to improve and better communicate my intent?

What is Intent?

• Ø “plan” or “purpose”

• o Motive – your reason for doing something (It is the “why” that motivates the “what”) The motive that inspires the greatest trust is genuine caring (trust comes from believing someone cares)

• o Agenda—grows out of motive. It is what you intend to do or promote because of your motive. The agenda that generally inspires the greatest trust is seeking mutual benefit—genuinely wanting what is best for everyone involved.

• o Behavior – the manifestation of motive and agenda. The behavior that best creates credibility and inspires trust is acting in the best interest of others. (It is easy to say I care and I want the best for you, but it is our actual behavior that demonstrates whether or not we mean it.)

How to Improve Intent?—3 ACCELERATORS TO Improve Intent:

• Ø Intent is a matter of the heart. It is something that you cannot fake—at least not for long. It can be worked on and improved.

• 1. Examine and Refine Your Motives (remove all rational lies, and get down to the deepest level to examine our own motives, and change what needs to be changed.) As these questions:

• Ø Interaction with a child: Are my actions motivated by genuine care and love? Am I really seeking the best interests of this child? Am I humble enough to admit if I am wrong? Or am I really trying to impose my will on this child?

• Ø Interaction with others: Am I sincerely listening to what the other person is saying? Am I genuinely open to the other person’s influence? Do I understand where the other person is coming from? Or am I focused on explaining my point of view, being right, or getting my way? Do I genuinely want what is best for us both? Do I really understand what constitutes a “win” for the other party? Have I clearly thought through and can I express what constitutes a “win” for me? Am I open to synergy and third alternatives? Or do I really want to “win,” regardless of what happens to the other party?

• 2. Declare Your Intent

• Ø Declaring your intent and expressing your agenda and motives can be very powerful, particularly if your behavior is being misinterpreted or misconstrued by others. It is also valuable as a means of establishing trust in new relationships.

• 3. Choose Abundance

• Ø Abundance means there is enough for everybody

• Other ACCELERATOR QUESTIONS: Examine your current thinking by asking:

• Ø When I am in the middle of a negotiation, do I really believe it’s possible to come up with a solution that will provide benefit for us both—or deep down, do I believe that the other person can gain benefit only at my expense?

• Ø Do I believe that if I love other people, my own supply of love will be replenished—or diminished?

• Ø Do I believe there is room for other people to see things differently than I do…and still be right?

• Ø Do I believe that, whatever my economic circumstances, I can share with and benefit others?

• c. Credentials are Excellent—that you do indeed have capability to do what you are called on to do

i. Ability to inspire confidence—talents, attitudes, skills, knowledge, and style (these are the means to produce results—branches of the tree that produce results)

• Ø Capable people are credible, and they inspire trust—no one can effectively be given a new level of responsibility if they are not capable (even if they are honest, caring and produce some results)

• Ø Need to be involved in constantly learning, growing, and developing new skills (the job does not end, and it will always require more and more of individuals)

• Examine by asking yourself these questions:

• Ø What capabilities do I have to make me credible and that inspire the trust and confidence in others?

• Ø What experience have I had (or not had) in developing capabilities that affects the confidence I have in myself?

• Ø What is my attitude and approach toward improving my current capabilities and gaining new ones?

TASKS:

One way to think about the various dimensions of capabilities is to use the acronym “TASKS.”

T alents – natural gifts

A ttitudes – our ways of seeing, as well as our ways of being

S kills – our proficiencies

K knowledge – learning, insight, understanding, and awareness

S tyle – unique approach and personality

Questions to consider:

• Ø What are my unique strengths or talents? How can I better maximize the talents I have?

• Ø What are my attitudes about life? About myself, my capabilities, and my opportunities to contribute? Are there more productive attitudes and paradigms I could embrace that would help me create better results?

• Ø What skills do I currently have? What skills will I need in the future that I do not currently have? To what degree am I involved in constantly upgrading my skills?

• Ø What areas of knowledge do I need to pursue?

• Ø How effective is my current style in approaching problems and opportunities and interacting with others? Does my approach facilitate or get in the way of accomplishing what needs to be done? What can I do to improve the way in which I go about doing things?

Matching T-A-S-K-S to TASKS:

The end in mind is to develop our TASKS and to match them to the tasks at hand—to create the best possible alignment between our natural gifts, our passions, our skills, knowledge, and style and the opportunity to contribute and make a difference.

On the individual level, the problem is that many people are not into the idea of continuous improvement.

• How to increase your Capabilities?

• 1. Run with Your Strengths (and with Your Purpose)

• Ø Simply identify your strengths (whether they be Talents, Attitudes, Skills, Knowledge, or Style), and then focus on engaging, developing, and leveraging what’s distinctly yours.

• 2. Keep Yourself Relevant

• Ø Be engaged in lifelong learning

• 3. Know Where You’re Going

• Ø The people you lead want to know where they’re going.—Motorola

Trust Abilities:

1. To assess what you can work on to create the most effective improvement in your trust abilities ask these questions:

• Ø To what degree do I have some degree of natural talent in the area of trust abilities? Do things such as integrity and good intent come naturally to me? Do I naturally ask for mutual benefit? Do I inherently know and do the things that inspire trust?

• Ø What are my attitudes in this area? Do I recognize and respect the need for trust? Do I approach issues and try to get things done in ways that build trust?

• Ø Do I have trust-building skills? Do I interact with others in ways that build trust?

• Ø What knowledge and understanding do I have about establishing, growing, and restoring trust?

• Ø Is my style of action and interaction one that inspires trust? Is my style one that extends trust to others?

• d. Good Track Record, that you have demonstrated you are capable and effective in other situations and in the past and that you produce good results, and that there is good reason that you will do so now

i. Track Record, our performance, our getting the right things done (if we don’t do what is agreed on/promised our reputation precedes us)

• Ø Results Matter! – They matter to your credibility. They matter to your ability to establish and maintain trust with others.

• Ø Results are the fruit of the tree. Results are the tangible, measurable end purpose and product of the roots, trunk, and branches. The tree needs to produce what it was intended to produce—TRUST.

• Ø Results help to cover shortcomings; it helps to minimize the small stuff. Yet, result will not offset integrity.

Results---Past, Present, and Future

• Ø Our credibility comes not only from our past results and our present results, but also from the degree of confidence other have in our ability to produce results in the future.

• Ø Bottom line, whether you are dealing with restoring trust or establishing it in the first place, it is results that will convert the cynics.

• Ø The Track record goes to the degree of confidence and the degree of trust that will be extended. Track Record will project past performance on future results.

• “WHAT” and “HOW”:

• Ø What results am I getting?

• Ø How am I getting those results? (The how can generate huge roadblocks to future results—or it can grease the skids)

• Ø It is easier to get results the next time around if people trust you…if they know you’re going to give credit, to seek mutual benefit, to not place blame. They will want to engage with you, to give you information, to help you because you’ve become credible with them. They trust that you will go for results in a way that will benefit everyone involved.

• Defining RESULTS:

• Ø Bottom line and the connection between results and credibility

• Ø Sometimes results must be defined in a different way, because results are simply not in your control—

• Questions to ask:

• 1. I failed at a relationship/objective/etc.. But what is the result? What have I learned? Did I do my best? Am I modeling the kind of behavior I want for my children to see?

• 2. I had a disaster. But what new opportunities do I have as a result? Is there a better way to do things? What strengths do I have to help me rebuild?

• Communicating Results:

• Ø It is important to be able to appropriately communicate results to others

• How to improve your RESULTS:

• Three ACCELERATORS To Improve Results –

• Ø Take Responsibility for Results

• Ø Expect to Win – There is power in expectation

• Ø Finish Strong

The first wave of trust—Self Trust—is all about credibility. It is all about developing the integrity, intent, capabilities, and results that make you believable, both to yourself and to others.

1) Do I trust myself?

2) Am I someone others can trust?

Self Trust -- What is the net result of repeated failure to make and keep commitments to ourselves? It hacks away at our self-confidence. Not only do we lose trust in our ability to make and keep commitments, we fail to project the personal strength of character that inspires trust.

Inspiring Trust – It is the little things that count, that show people who you are, so that you inspire trust in them.

The only way to build trust is to be trustworthy.

See Questionnaire: Page 50-53

I wish I could

I wish there was a way that I could protect my son from the pain of being in the middle of a divorced family...at the times I think he is alright...he says small things and I can see how much it hurts him, especially when his dad cancels his visit...I try to distract my son and I never tell him that his dad has cancelled, but the time between visits is something that I cannot hide...it hurts my heart to see him and hear him when he asks me...it is the times that I can't take away the hurt...I can only distract him from it...I can't fix it...I can only redirect him from it, and try to make a better memory...I wish above all else that I could save him from the pain...but I cannot...

Travelling

My son and I went on two trips this week...one for my work and one for the holiday to see family...I know on the whole he does not mind, but on the other hand my son loves home the best...don't we all...there is something about your own space, and your own bed, and your own things to be comfortable around...I get an itch to fly every once in awhile, but for now, today...home is best...

My son's stories

Well, I got tired of waiting for the artwork to get started for my son's book that I wrote for him...so I made a trip to the craft store and bought scrapbook paper, stickers, and glue...it is amazing what they are making these days...I know it is not as good as a professionally done piece of art, but my son doesn't know the difference and at this point at least he will get to see what I mean in the words that I wrote in his story.

It can be very captivating to do something like this, and I started one of the pages and didn't even see the time fly by...two hours or more just vanished. It is well worth the effort, because my son loves being a part of everthing...

Teaching my son to tell story

My son and I tell story every night, or whenever we are just spending some time together. He says, "tell me story about..." He usually picks an animal and adds a little boy and his mommy or some other combination in there somehow.

It is a good exercise for me, because it helps me to realize that if I lay there and concentrate enough then I can tell quite the elaborate story for my son. Other times we are just silly and I just keep asking him, then what, and he adds a little blurb enough for me to start another little chapter in the story that he wants me to tell.

We went to the craft store and I bought these foam pieces that were cut into spaceship stuff and they have a sticky back to them and I also bought some sheets of foam to stick them to. My son and I just sat there and for a good couple of hours I let him pick pieces and stick them to the pages while he created his own story. It is something that takes quite a bit of time, because we really only did 5 pages, but to my son it meant the world, because it was a story that he made.

I realize afterward too, that since they are not pages bound together that he and I can tell endless different stories with the pages that he made...it is the simple things that win the heart of your child and it is the peaceful things that help to shape their character in the most tender way.

Ritual for Motivation

We all have our own ways of motivating ourselves I think especially with the things that we don't like to do. Cleaning is not a hobby that I have ever been in love with although I don't hate it either. I suppose the thing is that it is just very time consuming at a point in my life when I budget my time for everything.

So, I start doing things that will get me going, like I will do the dishes, then start the laundry, then move on to sweeping the floors, then mopping and as I get that done then I get near the bathroom and scrub every inch...don't get me wrong I am not a cleaning Nazi or anything...I just have a pattern and there are some things that just must be done and every inch must be gotten too.

Dusting, is another thing, I don't do that religiously, as it is one thing that doesn't catch my eye until I see a dust bunny somewhere I would rather not have seen it.

My one pet peeve is flyers and junk mail, I am totally obsessed with dumping them in the garbage faster than anyone can catch the darn things in the house. I find that the less I keep them around the slower dust builds up. My personal desk space could use an overhaul, but that gets cleaned out every couple of months from old research material and other odds and ends that end up on it because of school.

I probably don't even do as much as other people do to clean my home, because I don't remember the last time I actually polished my furniture (you see it is oak, and what a shame I have not pulled it apart to take some oak polish to it). It must be having the three year old, but really he is not bad. It is really a struggle when my relatives come over and they seem to bring a whirlwind inside my home, and then I spend some good times starting over again. Gotta love company though, and with that comes the whole shabang all over again.

I don't mind I have my rituals, where I do certain things during the week and then catch up on the rest on the weekend. I don't know why I even thought about it today, but for a second I thought about the ritual I have to get me started...

I suppose it is because I do other things also, just to change the tide if something unfavorable happens, and had analyzed that today too, funny eh? One thing got me analyzing some other thing...

Save the Drama

Now, there is some things you just can't avoid, but I had a phone call a couple nights ago, and by the end of the call I said it on the phone and I also said it to a very close friend of mine that I don't need the drama.

If I had been at another point in my life, perhaps I would have wanted to try to see what I needed to do. At the end of the day right now though I am simply just walking away. It has been a very long two years, and I just don't have any more to feed into these kinds of things any more.

I would have to be honest and say that I cried, and wished that people would just learn to be honest and honorable instead of trying to save themselves and lie. A lie only brings destroying things into you life, and it will eventually surface as to what the truth was. Simply put, just tell the truth and you will get what you give in life.

There is nothing left for me to do...and I suppose if I hadn't been through so much I might try and help more, but perhaps this is destiny to happen at this exact moment, just so I won't.

I feel good today, I was a bit rocky yesterday morning, but I worked through it, because I had just gotten two phones calls of drama the night before (not as bad as I have expienced before, so it was really low key...if you compare it to what it could have been - thankfully, we were just two adults who realized we both needed to understand), but at the end of the day...life goes on.

Destiny of a Child

My son picks up on everything around him, and he copies most everything. He copies the words people use, and the way people do things, and he does much of this copying from me as his parent. He picks up when something upsets me too, and he talks like that to try to get my attention or he tells me to talk nicely.

Children pick up everything, and I am always reminded that in order to change the destiny of my son I have to change the reality and the inputs whether verbal, emotional, or physical that I am giving to my son. His legacy will only change with my commitment to give him a solid imprint from me. If I want a different outcome for him as a legacy then I have to be better for him to learn from.

I can't be perfect, and he will see me be human, but the best things that I can do is to teach him to talk in a way that respects everyone, to treat others in a respectful way (remembering that he needs to treat people how he would also like to be treated), and to remember God is with him and knows all he does, and to honor him with everything that he does.

Life has no perfect mold, but the reality is if we don't make a conscious effort to change the inputs that gave us a legacy that caused pain, then we won't get a different reality. I require something different, because I want a different result. It is said that to do that same thing over and over again and expect a different result is insanity. It is true, and I am trying to do things differently to get a different result.

I can't do it all, but my effort is conscious.

Reality, Truth, Love, Trust and Honor...words that are easily said, but not always easily taught...everyday, little by little, and one small lesson at a time...that is how I see sowing into the life of children.

Some people believe it doesn't matter what you invest into children, because they will turn out the way they will turn out. The truth is that TRUE Character can be instilled, and once it is settled in someone it is hard to change the tide. None of us know the complete reality of who our children are, and if we add a bit of nonesense, and a bit of addiction, and a bit of this old habit, or this bad habit, and say that in the end it will do no harm...but how then do you paint the picture of your child's life. We can't all be perfect, but a conscious effort will be seen by our children and they will try to genuinely be caring people with good character.

It is a gift to raise a child to be a person who inspires trust, and who is seen as a person of character, and a person who genuinely does their best to take care of the responsibilities that they have. If we do all we can then we have given our child a true gift, because at the end of the day it will bring them success, honor, and a life of caring that will surround them. It is what I wish for my son, from a mother's heart. It is what I truly want for my son.